


You Suck at Love

by masc_malfunction



Category: Naruto
Genre: Both of them are too damaged to know how to express their emotions, Canon-adjacent, Canonical Character Death, Hate Sex, Iruka has a temper, Iruka is bad at feelings, Iruka's friends love to roast him, M/M, Mild Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Romance, Semi-Slow Burn, Smut, So is Kakashi, and he deserves it, but the feelings ARE, enemies is a strong word for it though, help them, kind of enemies to friends to lovers, the angriest and most spite-fueled pining, the sex isn't slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-05-16 11:07:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 78,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masc_malfunction/pseuds/masc_malfunction
Summary: Kakashi is everything: an elite shinobi, the infamous Copy Ninja, local legend around Konoha...and a royal pain in Iruka's side. After suffering one mission desk altercation too many and itching to knock Kakashi's ego down a peg or two, Iruka makes it his personal mission to discover what it is that Kakashi Hatake, Man of A Thousand Jutsu, absolutely sucks at. But the more digging he tries to do, the more he seems to learn about himself in the process...and the more he learns he was wrong about the man in the mask.





	1. Chapter 1

“Damn, Iruka. You don’t usually go this hard,” Anko raised an eyebrow as Iruka downed his third shot in approximately ten minutes. “You have a rough day?”

Kotetsu and Izumo snorted as Iruka just groaned, gesturing at the bartender for another shot.

“He’s just being a drama queen,” Kotetsu rolled his eyes. “It was just Hatake,”

“Again?” Anko laughed, knocking her shoulder into Iruka’s playfully. “This has been going on forever. What was it this time, hm?”

Iruka shot daggers at the group with a glare when they all laughed, downing another shot before he turned to face the rest of the table.

“It was on _fire_ ,” Iruka grit out, putting his face in his hands. “He handed in a report that was _literally_ on fire. And, even after we put the fire out—which, remarkably, didn’t effect any of the writing—the report itself was written in— _god_ it was either code or freeform poetry. Either way, it was unintelligible and lightly singed.”

Anko snorted loudly, quickly changing her smirk into an overexaggerated look of sympathy when Iruka glared.

“It’s not funny!” Iruka growled. “It’s like he does this to me on purpose!”

Izumo sighed, rolling his eyes and patting Iruka on the back gently. “Iruka, he _does_ ,”

Iruka tensed, turning to glare at Izumo. “What?”

“He does it on purpose, Iruka. He baits you because you’re an easy target,” Izumo shrugged, smiling almost guiltily. “You…have a temper. He thinks it’s fun to make you angry,”

Iruka growled, hitting the table with a fist. “Well why the _fuck_ can he get away with it? He thinks he’s so fucking special, he can just do whatever he wants with no consequences?”

“Well, probably,” Kotetsu snorted. “I mean, c’mon Iruka. He’s Kakashi Hatake. He’s a genius and famous and good at everything—”

“He can’t be good at _everything_ ,” Iruka cut in, fuming. “That’s not possible,”

“He copies everyone’s techniques, being good at everything is kinda his schtick,”

“He’s not good at everything!” Iruka insisted, louder this time. “He’s just a cocky bastard, there’s gotta be at least something he sucks at, and I’m gonna find out what it is and I’m gonna rub it in his smug asshole face,” Iruka’s words were gently slurred the longer he talked, and his face twisted into a stubborn pout.

Anko let out a loud bark of laughter, followed closely by Kotetsu and eventually even Izumo. Iruka tried to shoot them one of his infamous glares, but his increasing tipsiness made it fall short. When his friends’ howls of mirth finally petered out, Kotetsu clapped him on the back jovially.

“Right, hotshot. You do that. _You_ are gonna find out something that Kakashi goddamn Hatake is bad at, and you’re gonna show him up. That’s what’ll happen,”

“You’ll really put him in his place,” Anko snorted, reaching over to ruffle Iruka’s hair.

Iruka batted her hand away angrily, pushing the hairs loosened from his ponytail out of his face with a huff. “Whatever, fuck you guys,” he muttered, standing up and managing to only sway a little on his feet. “I’m going home,”

Izumo sighed, standing up and putting a hand on Iruka’s back. “Okay, c’mon guys, let up,” he rolled his eyes, pushing Kotetsu’s hands off him. “Chill. I’ll be back once I make sure Iruka gets home,”

“Don’ need a babysitter,” Iruka mumbled, leaning into Izumo’s hand.

“That’s right, hotshot,” Izumo teased, gently guiding him out of the bar. “Of course you don’t.”

___

Iruka didn’t get long to rest between outrages, and as it were, he was already on-edge from both a hangover and a classroom full of disruptive students. By the time he’d made it halfway through his shift at the mission desk, he was already five lectured Jonin in and on the very hair’s edge of losing his temper. He was desperately trying to keep himself in check, doing his best to keep both his head and voice down for the remainder of the shift. He only had an hour and a half left, he could make it. He would finish the shift, have a late dinner, and get home to bed. It was a foolproof plan.

Who better to ruin the plan, of course, than Kakashi Hatake. Iruka’s entire body tensed up the very moment Kakashi stepped into the room. He raised his gaze slowly, looking across the line of Chuunin and Jonin waiting to hand in their reports, his eyes falling decisively on the man leaning casually against the doorway, no report to be seen.

Maybe Iruka was lucky. Maybe he was here to get a mission, not to turn in a report. Iruka nearly swore aloud when Kakashi pushed off the wall to join his queue.

Iruka could feel the rage building inside of himself the closer Kakashi got to the desk. He hadn’t even done anything to him, and Iruka felt like a paper bomb ready to go off. He tried, unsuccessfully, to get himself to relax. Deep breaths, calming thoughts, anything to forget what usually happens when Kakashi turns in mission reports. Finally, after an agonizing five minutes, Kakashi was stood before Iruka, only separated by the two foot width of the mission desk.

“Well?” Iruka asked, his teeth clenched so tightly his words came out more like a snarl. “What’s on your report this time, Hatake?”

“Maa, Sensei, already so suspicious? You wound me,”

Iruka’s hands clenched into fists, Kakashi’s absurdly casual, lazy tone pushing every button Iruka had.

“Just give me your report and get it over with!”

Kakashi let out a small huff of laughter, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his neck as he gave Iruka his best attempt at a (masked) innocent smile.

“Here’s the thing, Sensei…I have eight ninken, you know, and sometimes—”

“Just. Show me. Your report,” Iruka growled, his hands beginning to shake with the effort of keeping them still.

“Well, I haven’t done it,” Kakashi shrugged. “But it’s due today. I was hoping I could just give you an oral report, and you could pass the message along,”

If Iruka had ever in his life come close to literally seeing red, this was the moment. He was struck absolutely speechless for several very tense seconds, during which the attentions of both the entire line of returning shinobi and Iruka’s mission desk coworkers were solidly on the pair.

“What,” Iruka’s voice was quiet yet, but shaking with the effort of attempting to control his rage. “The _fuck_ is your problem, Hatake?” Iruka stood sharply, slamming both his palms on the desk in front of him, causing the shinobi working next to him to nearly jump out of his skin. “Every goddamn time you come back from a mission, it’s something worse! Is this a fucking game to you? Is this the only thing you can put your _genius_ mind to?” he was shouting now, red in the face and jamming a finger into Kakashi’s chest. “I swear to god, Hatake, I don’t know what kind of ego you’ve managed to blind yourself with, but I have _had it_ with you! You treat everything like a waste of your time, like you’re better than everyone else because you what, what is it that makes you so much better than me, huh? You stupid, smug, pompous—”

Iruka cut himself short when Kakashi grabbed his wrist harshly, stopping him from poking into his chest. He struggled against the hold for a few seconds, looking up and meeting Kakashi’s gaze. Ordinarily, when Iruka would rant at him, his expression never changed. He remained heavy-lidded and expressionless. Today he was different, his eye had narrowed, everything about him radiating hostility.

“Don’t,” he muttered, his voice low and dangerous. “Stand down, Umino,”

“The hell I will!” Iruka jerked his hand away, not noticing the fact that the other shinobi in the room were starting to clear a space. “You’re always in here, pulling stupid stunts, trying to get a rise out of me? Well here it is, Hatake, you’ve done it! You got Iruka Umino to snap! What are you gonna do with your prize?”

“That’s enough.”

The calm but powerful tone cut through the room, giving everyone, even Iruka, pause. He was still fuming as he turned toward the window, where three masked ANBU soldiers stood in defensive positions.

“Both of you, stand down. Hatake, Umino, you both are relieved of duty for the rest of the day. Walk it off. Go home.”

Iruka looked, for a second, like he wasn’t going to obey. He was still shooting Kakashi a look that could curdle milk, but he broke. He pushed the desk aside, keeping his gaze locked with Kakashi’s as he shouldered past him aggressively before storming out of the room. As he walked his anger only got worse, his frustrations with Kakashi mixing with his embarrassment at losing his cool badly enough to get sent home from work like some kind of petulant child. He was so focused in on his own thoughts that he almost didn’t hear when his name was called.

“Hey, Umino,”

Iruka stiffened, his lip curling up in a sneer when he turned to see that he was being addressed by none other than Kakashi himself.

“What the fuck do you want,” Iruka spat. “Come to finish this without the audience? By all means, Hatake, make a move,”

Kakashi snorted, seeming to regard Iruka with contempt. “I have no intention of fighting you, Sensei. What makes you think I’m always trying to bait you?”

Iruka let out a huff of incredulous laughter. “What, indeed. No, months full of increasingly shitty mission reports, all of which directed towards me, aren’t enough to make a man feel mocked. I’m just a stupid, paranoid Chuunin. Nobody could possibly blame the famous Copy Ninja for anything,”

Kakashi’s eye narrowed, and he moved closer. “Why are you so angry with me?”

“Seriously?” Iruka asked, genuinely dumbstruck. “All you do is use me to entertain yourself because you get your rocks off making people mad, and now you wanna be upset that it worked?”

Kakashi remained silent, which only drove Iruka farther up the wall.

“ _God_ , Hatake!” Iruka yelled, nearing hysterical. “Will you ever, just _once_ , in your _fucking_ life, climb out of your own asshole long enough to see the light of day?”

Kakashi clenched his jaw tightly, rolling his visible eye skyward. He’d always been able to push Iruka’s buttons, but this was the first time Iruka had successfully pushed _back_. Sure, he’d gotten under Kakashi’s skin before. It was neigh impossible not to respond to Iruka’s heated glares and curling sneers. But he’d always managed to keep control of himself, at least until now.

“Look at me!”

Kakashi snapped out of his thoughts at the feeling of a hand roughly grabbing the front of his vest. His body responded on instinct, grabbing the offending wrist and wrenching it aside aggressively. Before he knew what he was doing, Iruka was letting out a sharp grunt as his back collided roughly with the nearest wall, Kakashi pinning his wrist beside his head.

“Oh, go on,” Iruka breathed, his eyes wide and wild. “Hit me, Hatake. Go on!”

Kakashi froze, crowding Iruka up against the wall, Iruka’s goading sending a shiver down his spine. Iruka was at the disadvantage. He was literally backed into a corner, one arm pinned, and he showed no fear. He stared Kakashi down brazenly, his breath heavy from adrenaline, his body tensed and coiled like a spring.

Kakashi didn’t know what possessed him. One moment he was angry, meeting Iruka’s challenging gaze with intent that could kill. In the next, his free hand was yanking his mask down roughly and he was crashing his lips against Iruka’s with enough force to bruise.

Iruka let out a muffled noise of shock, twisting his face away and shoving Kakashi off roughly. His face was flushed a deep red in a combination of embarrassment an anger, and it only worsened as the sight of Kakashi’s bared face struck him dumb.

“I—what the _fuck_ was that?” he finally stammered, his arms still out in a defensive position. His lips were still tingling from the force of Kakashi’s kiss, and his tongue darted out to soothe away the spot of blood that followed his lips meeting his teeth.

Kakashi’s gaze was drawn to the subtle flick of Iruka’s tongue as it passed over his lip, and he let out a low growl, gripping Iruka’s jaw in his hand tightly, angling Iruka’s chin up toward him. Iruka sneered, jerking his head sharply in an attempt to throw Kakashi off, but Kakashi held fast. He stilled as Kakashi drew him in close again, his free hand gripping at the wrist that held his face. Kakashi hesitated for a fleeting second, holding Iruka’s gaze in silence, before closing the distance between them a second time.

This kiss, while less violent, wasn’t any less insistent. Kakashi pressed his lips to Iruka’s firmly, letting out a low hum when he felt Iruka’s nails digging into the skin on his wrist. He felt his lips quirk upwards in a small smirk when Iruka responded to the kiss, pressing up to meet Kakashi’s lips with force of his own. In a moment of distraction, Kakashi’s grip on Iruka’s wrist slackened; and then Kakashi’s breath was knocked out of him as Iruka slid away, twisting Kakashi’s arm behind his back and forcing his face and chest to meet the wall violently.

Kakashi didn’t have time to react beyond widening his eye before Iruka pressed the entire length of his body up against his back, leaning close to speak directly to Kakashi’s ear.

“Well I never would have guessed, Hatake,” Iruka chuckled low in his throat, biting at the shell of Kakashi’s ear. “If all this time you’ve been trying to flirt, I gotta say…you _suck_ at flirting,”

Kakashi felt his entire body jerk at Iruka’s mouth on his ear, squirming against Iruka’s hold. “You sure about that? Seemed to work fine on you, _Sensei_ ,” Kakashi smirked, arching his back so his ass pressed against Iruka. His smirk only widened when he heard Iruka’s breath catch, and he repeated the movement.

“Oh, _fuck_ you,” Iruka growled, pushing Kakashi into the wall and pulling away. Kakashi turned around quickly, grabbing the front of Iruka’s vest and tugging him close again.

“That’s kinda the idea, yeah,”

Kakashi grinned wickedly at the flash of _interest_ that he saw in Iruka’s eyes, before Iruka’s lips were on his again. The kiss was hard and demanding, and later Kakashi would deny that it took his breath away. But in the moment he just groaned, letting Iruka kiss him thoroughly senseless before forming the hand signs necessary to teleport them both to his apartment.

Iruka broke away from Kakashi when his feet hit solid ground in Kakashi’s apartment, stumbling only slightly before catching himself. He glared intently at Kakashi, aggressively wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

“You make a habit of teleporting people without warnings?” he snapped.

“Next time I’ll just take you in the street, Sensei,” Kakashi retorted, reveling in the deep blush that spread across Iruka’s scarred nose and cheeks.

“Presumptuous of you to assume you’ll be ‘taking’ me in any location,” Iruka sneered, stepping back into Kakashi’s personal space.

Kakashi raised his visible eyebrow, holding Iruka’s gaze steadily. “Worried you’ll like it?”

“Sure of yourself, Hatake,” Iruka flicked his tongue out over his lips, stepping closer still, enough that their noses brushed together. “I wonder if you can live up to all that _big_ talk,” he whispered against Kakashi’s lips, one hand sliding down to grope Kakashi over his pants firmly.

Kakashi’s eye widened and he let out a choked-off noise on a sharp gasp, feeling heat spread up the back of his neck at the same time as it pooled low in his stomach. His hips twitched forward against Iruka’s hand minutely, causing Iruka to let out a huff of self-satisfied laughter against Kakashi’s lips. Kakashi reached forward, sliding his hands across Iruka’s hips to grab at his ass, pulling him close until his hand was trapped between them, and rolled his hips again. It was slower this time, more purposeful, and Kakashi grinned when he heard Iruka’s breath hitch.

Iruka squeezed Kakashi again, leaning forward and taking Kakashi’s lower lip between his teeth. Kakashi groaned softly into his mouth, letting Iruka push him back against the nearest wall roughly. The fact that he met no resistance sent a thrill down Iruka’s spine, and the feeling of Kakashi growing harder in his hand sent blood rushing to his own cock. He slid his hand up Kakashi’s body, catching his shirt and exposing his stomach, sliding up to rest on Kakashi’s neck. He pulled back far enough to catch the subtle flutter of Kakashi’s eyelid at the gentle pressure on his throat. Iruka raised an eyebrow, squeezing harder. He licked his lips, letting out a shuddering, satisfied sigh as Kakashi’s eye fluttered shut and he let out a soft, high-pitched whine. Iruka paused, his fingers slackening the smallest bit as he looked over the man he had pinned, defenseless, to the wall.

Kakashi’s eye opened a fraction when he felt Iruka’s fingers loosen. He smirked, pushing his hips up against Iruka’s. “What, afraid you’ll break me?” he taunted, grabbing Iruka’s wrist and pushing his hand against his own throat. “Don’t start what you can’t finish, Umino,”

Iruka growled, his fingers tightening around Kakashi’s throat hard enough to draw a gasping moan from his lips. The submission in Kakashi’s body language shocked Iruka as much as it turned him on, as did the desperate whine that he pulled from Kakashi as he dragged his nails across the pale skin of his neck.

Iruka pulled Kakashi closer by his jaw, smirking against his lips. “What happened to _‘next time I’ll just take you in the street’_ , hm?” he whispered, squeezing at the erection tenting Kakashi’s pants. “Seems to me like you’d much rather be _taken_ , Hatake,”

Kakashi groaned, pushing up from against the wall and crowding closer to Iruka, enough that he had to step backwards to keep his footing.

“In your dreams, Umino,”

Iruka snorted, grabbing Kakashi’s hair and tugging roughly. “You would be so lucky to be in my dreams,”

Kakashi grunted at the sharp tug to his hair, grabbing Iruka’s ass and grinding their hips together purposefully. He smirked when Iruka’s jaw went slack, leaning close to bite at Iruka’s earlobe and whisper.

“I can do you better than dreams,”

Iruka gasped, arching into Kakashi’s touch and letting his eyes slip shut. “D-don’t start what you can’t finish,” he grit out, echoing Kakashi’s words from moments ago.

“Don’t worry,” Kakashi teased, ducking his head and biting at Iruka’s neck. “I’ll make sure you finish,”

Iruka cried out sharply when Kakashi bit down, shivering when he felt Kakashi’s hands slide over his hips and up under his shirt. He bit down hard on his lower lip when Kakashi pinched and tugged at a nipple, stifling a high-pitched moan. He stumbled backwards when Kakashi pressed forward, clinging to Kakashi to keep his balance until the back of his knees hit the edge of a mattress and he faltered, tumbling down on his back and pulling Kakashi over him.

Kakashi caught himself with an arm beside Iruka’s head, drawing a knee up between Iruka’s thighs and pinching at his nipple again. Iruka writhed against Kakashi’s thigh, arching his head into the mattress and knocking his headband and hairtie askew. Kakashi drew his hand up and out from under Iruka’s shirt, reaching up and tugging Iruka’s hair free from both his headband and hairtie and tangling his fingers in it.

Iruka groaned, running his hands up Kakashi’s shirt and scratching his nails down his chest. His breath hitched when Kakashi tugged his hair hard enough to turn his head, exposing the side of his throat to his tongue and teeth. His hips jerked up to meet Kakashi’s, and he gripped the front of Kakashi’s uniform shirt, intent to tug him closer. Kakashi pulled back, eliciting a needy whine from Iruka that he would be embarrassed by in any other circumstance, and tugged both his shirt and mask over his head. Iruka’s eyes widened appreciatively as Kakashi raised his arms above his head to peel off his shirt, licking his lips and sitting up, running a hand down Kakashi’s chest and pausing at the waistband of his pants. Kakashi’s abs twitched under Iruka’s touch, and he reached forward, grabbing the hem of Iruka’s shirt and tugging it over his head. He slid his fingers through Iruka’s hair, yanking him close and biting at his lower lip. He pulled back slowly, letting Iruka’s lip stretch out and slide through his teeth.

“Turn around,”

The commanding tone in Kakashi’s low murmur sent a shiver down Iruka’s spine, and he wanted—he _needed_ —more of it. He set his jaw, staring up into Kakashi’s open eye defiantly.

“Make me,”

Kakashi growled, hauling Iruka up by the shoulders, spinning him around, and pressing his face into the mattress so quickly it made Iruka’s head spin. Iruka caught himself with both hands, unable to do anything but moan weakly when Kakashi grabbed at his hips, hoisting them up so Iruka’s knees rested on the mattress. He moved to sit up when Kakashi folded his torso over his back, pressing Iruka back down to the mattress and biting at the nape of his neck. Iruka cried out sharply, his entire body jerking as Kakashi slid a hand down his stomach, slipping his fingers below the waistband of his pants to tease at his cock. He whimpered softly on ragged breaths as Kakashi deftly undid his pants, pulling back in order to slowly slide both his pants and underwear down Iruka’s thighs. Iruka spread his legs as much as the pants around his knees would allow, letting out a deep cry when Kakashi sunk his teeth into an asscheek, kneading the other with a firm hand. Iruka pressed back into the pressure, arching his back and looking back at Kakashi.

Kakashi smacked Iruka’s ass with enough force to make it glow pink, before trailing his fingers lightly over the indentations made by his teeth. He slid his fingers over Iruka’s entrance slowly, teasing, causing Iruka’s hips to twitch.

“Let me,” Kakashi murmured, his fingers pressing forward but not hard enough to push in.

The commanding edge was still present, but Iruka recognized the statement for what it was; a request. Permission. Iruka let out a small noise, his cheeks flushing red as he nodded against the mattress.

“Yeah, yes, fuck, Kakashi, just—”

Kakashi leaned forward, pressing his entire body against Iruka as he reached past him into a drawer on the small table beside the bed. When he pulled back, Iruka heard the snap of an opening bottle before Kakashi’s fingers were on him again, cold and slick with lube.

Iruka’s face screwed up when Kakashi pushed a finger in, the mild discomfort that comes from a long dry spell causing him to grip the bedsheets tightly in his fists. Kakashi worked his fingers slowly, keeping Iruka on edge as the discomfort eased and gradually turned to pleasure.

Iruka squirmed under Kakashi, biting down on his lip so hard he drew blood with the effort to stay quiet. A particularly skillful crook and press of Kakashi’s fingers broke him, ripping a desperate whine from his throat that he ineffectually tried to stifle against the mattress. Kakashi repeated the motion and Iruka writhed, his face burning hot as he pushed his hips back to meet Kakashi’s fingers. He heard Kakashi breathe out a satisfied huff, before he felt fingers running over his cock.

“Oh, fuck—” Iruka choked out a moan, grabbing at Kakashi’s wrist to still his hand. Kakashi pulled his fingers out slowly, wiping them on the sheets and smirking as he eased his hand out of Iruka’s iron grip.

“Too much?” he teased as Iruka sat up, turning to grab Kakashi’s arms and pull him down onto the bed beside him.

Iruka shot Kakashi a wicked grin, pushing him flat on his back and straddling his hips.

“Not enough,”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, moving to slide his hands up Iruka’s thighs, before Iruka smacked his hands away. Iruka took hold of Kakashi’s wrists, leaning down to hold them beside Kakashi’s head, brushing his lips against Kakashi’s as he murmured;

“You had your fun. I get a turn,”

Iruka smirked as Kakashi reached up to grip his headboard, running his nails down his chest and stomach until he reached the waistband of his pants. He toyed with the button, watching Kakashi squirm, but not release the headboard. Iruka popped the button, dragging his zipper down slowly, moving down Kakashi’s body as he slid the pants off his legs. He ran his hands back up Kakashi’s thighs, stopping at his hips to dig his nails in. He cast his eyes behind him, locating the bottle of lube Kakashi had used earlier. He picked up the bottle, slicking his palm before wrapping his hand around Kakashi’s cock and stroking him slowly. Iruka kept his eyes locked on Kakashi’s face as it twisted in pleasure, reveling in the choked-off grunt he managed to pull from Kakashi. Iruka tightened his fingers around Kakashi, twisting and tugging as Kakashi’s bit-back whines and moans only got louder. Kakashi arched his back, gripping the headboard so tightly his knuckles went white.

“Iruka stop,” Kakashi grit out, his chest heaving with heavy breaths. “ _Please_ , Iruka, I can’t—”

Iruka grinned, releasing Kakashi and moving to straddle him again. Kakashi reached blindly to his bedside table, reaching into the same drawer that contained the lube and pulling out a condom. He pressed it into Iruka’s hands, holding eye contact for a few seconds before leaning back to hold onto the headboard. Iruka raised an eyebrow, tearing the package open with his teeth, rolling the condom over Kakashi. Iruka raised himself up on his knees, positioning himself before slowly lowering himself down into Kakashi’s cock.

Iruka groaned, bracing his hands against Kakashi’s chest as he adjusted to the feel of Kakashi inside him. He rolled his hips slowly, experimentally, his breath hitching as Kakashi let out a low moan, his hips twitching up to meet Iruka’s. Iruka raised himself up slowly before sinking back down, his nails digging into Kakashi’s chest as he moved over Kakashi, falling into a slow, indulgent rhythm.

“Iruka,” Kakashi groaned, his back arching as his fingers flexed around the headboard. “Ngh, fuck—”

Iruka’s smirk broke with a particularly powerful twitch of Kakashi’s hips, making his eyes flutter shut as he let out a loud whine.

Kakashi gasped as Iruka moved his hips faster, finally releasing the headboard and grabbing onto Iruka’s hips, holding him steady as he bucked his hips, resulting in a strangled cry from Iruka.

“Kaka—ah!—I—” Iruka gasped, opening his eyes and meeting Kakashi’s heated gaze. “Kakashi…”

“Get up,” Kakashi murmured, guiding Iruka’s hips up and away from him. Kakashi sat up, tangling his fingers in Iruka’s hair, pulling him into a bruising kiss that was over before Iruka could do more than whimper softly into it.

Iruka let himself be bent over onto his hands and knees again, groaning weakly as Kakashi pressed back inside him. Kakashi smoothed his hand up Iruka’s spine slowly, tangling his fingers in Iruka’s hair, using it to pull Iruka upright against his chest. He wrapped an arm around Iruka’s chest, biting down at the nape of his neck as he began to thrust into Iruka at a harsh, bruising pace. Iruka whimpered, arching his back and unable to bite back breathy grunts with every thrust of Kakashi’s hips. Kakashi released Iruka’s hair, sliding his hand down Iruka’s stomach to wrap his fingers around his cock.

“Kakashi!” Iruka whined loudly, his head falling backwards against Kakashi’s shoulder. He twisted his body, bringing an arm up to tug at Kakashi’s hair, bringing his neck close enough to sink his teeth into, muffling his cry as he came into Kakashi’s hand, his entire body shaking with release. Kakashi let out a deep, low groan, thrusting deep inside Iruka once more before following suit.

Iruka let out a heavy, sated sigh, going limp against Kakashi’s arm holding him up. He could feel Kakashi’s panting breaths against his neck as he relaxed, pulling out of Iruka slowly and easing him into a sitting position. Iruka lay down on his back, pushing his hair out of his face and letting his eyes flutter shut as he took in deep breaths, feeling the bed dip beside him as Kakashi sat.

It took all of thirty seconds for reality to set in for Iruka. His eyes snapped open and he sat up with a jerk, hissing in pain when he began to realize just how rough they had been.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” he groaned, putting his face in his hands. He needed to leave. He needed to get dressed, go home, and possibly defect to Suna. He was _never_ gonna hear the end of this if anyone found out. He made another move to get up but grunted in pain, falling back onto the bed.

“Just stay,” Kakashi muttered.

“What?”

“Just stay. You’re tired, I’m tired, I don’t care.”

Iruka’s eyes narrowed as he studied Kakashi, who was leaning up against his headboard like he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Don’t look at me like that. You can sleep here, just don’t expect breakfast in the morning, Umino.”

Iruka snorted, tempted to tell Kakashi exactly where he could shove his breakfast, but his bed was soft, and Iruka was exhausted. He could give Kakashi a piece of his mind in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back at it again with another KakaIru! This story has been in the back of my mind for months, and I finally got some coherent writing down enough to start making chapters. I'm so excited to share this one, I hope you guys are excited to read it! Do let me know what you think, I love getting feedback from you guys it makes my day <3


	2. Chapter 2

When Iruka stirred the next morning with a low hum and a stretch, he froze when his hands brushed against the warmth of the body next to him. He opened one eye, his gaze darting around the unfamiliar room quickly, assessing the situation. He didn’t recognize the room, his entire body ached with new bruises, there was someone with him—

Iruka sat bolt upright with a sharp gasp, pushing his loose hair out of his face as he searched the surrounding floor for his clothes, doing everything he could not to look at the figure still sleeping in the bed beside him. He managed to locate his pants at the foot of the bed underneath Kakashi’s, which he kicked aside in order to quickly pull his own back on. He let out a shaky breath, running his finger through his hair distractedly, his urge to leave growing increasingly more frantic the longer he stayed. He could _not_ be here still when Kakashi woke up. He grabbed the first shirt he saw, picking up his discarded headband and sandals and stumbling out into the living room. He crammed his feet into his shoes, pulling the shirt over his head and eventually shoving his headband deep into his pocket. He decided against trying to go back to find his hairtie, it was a lost cause. He slipped out of the font door as quietly as he could, casting his eyes around suspiciously. The last thing he needed was to get caught leaving Kakashi’s apartment with his uniform disheveled, hair down, and god knows how many hickies on his neck. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw no one, making his way back to his own apartment as quickly and silently as possible.

Iruka collapsed with his back against the inside of his door, his face in his hands. How could he be so _stupid_? He’d lost his head before, but losing it enough to let Kakashi fuck him?

Iruka’s face burned as he let out a weak groan, sliding down to the floor and resting his forehead on his knees. How was he ever supposed to look Kakashi in the eye ever again? Was he supposed to just take more mission reports, act like nothing happened? Act like he couldn’t feel the bruise from Kakashi’s teeth on his ass, like he couldn’t hear the memory of Kakashi moaning his name?

Iruka stood abruptly, heading directly to his bathroom, taking a shower so hot it was near scalding. Iruka stayed under the stream of water until it started to run cold, stepping out of the shower and pulling on a clean uniform. He deliberately avoided looking at himself in the mirror as long as he could, wincing when he finally caught sight of the bruises littering his neck when he pulled his hair up. How the hell was he going to explain this? Cover it? His friends would know. God, would Kakashi tell people? No, he wasn’t—he didn’t _seem_ like that kind of person. Iruka groaned again when he looked back at his clock. It was early still, he’d woken at the first sign of dawn and split, but he had to leave for school in less than half an hour. He sighed heavily, wrapping some bandages around his neck. If anyone asked, he could say it was a training injury. People usually didn’t pry too much into injuries…if people believed him. They had no reason not to, Iruka kept a pretty low profile. Accepting that this was the best he was going to get for the day, he set off for school.

His day at school was uneventful, as he expected it to be. The kids he taught were too young to question bandages on Iruka’s neck, and he didn’t see enough of the other teachers today to really cause any questions. No, he was never really worried about school. However, his shift at the mission desk was looming before him, and Iruka knew there was no way he’d get out of that one unscathed. Hell, there was a chance Kakashi himself would show up to push Iruka’s buttons.

As it turned out, Iruka was on edge at work for no reason. Kakashi didn’t show, nobody even looked twice at the bandages on Iruka’s neck. Iruka had managed to relax enough to accept Kotetsu’s invitation to go out for drinks with Izumo and Anko again after the shift, and he’d almost managed to put last night’s (irritatingly _fantastic_ ) hookup out of his mind.

That was; he’d managed to put it out of his mind until he arrived at the bar. Anko took one look at his neck and leered, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, honey…don’t even try to tell me that’s a _training injury_ , we all know what that means,”

Iruka groaned quietly, rolling his eyes and falling into a seat at the table with his back to the wall. “It’s none of your business either way, Anko,”

“Ooh, defensive!” she quipped, grinning. “I must admit, ‘Ruka, I’m surprised,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Iruka muttered, gesturing at the bartender for a drink.

“It means, I heard about your little _altercation_ yesterday, with Hatake,” she paused, sliding one of her shots across the table toward Iruka, who took it immediately. “We all did. And, I also saw you leaving the Jonin barracks this morning with your hair down. What, you continue to let out all those pent up feelings with some aggressive sex?”

Iruka choked on the shot he was taking, his face burning red as he coughed his drink onto the table ungracefully. She saw him? How many other people saw him? How many people suspected? Did people _know?_

“I didn’t—” Iruka stammered desperately, grasping at straws to explain himself away. “You—he—what makes you think that we’d—”

“We?” Kotetsu cut in, looking like he’d just heard the best news of his life. “Did you just say ‘we’? As in… _Hatake?_ ”

“No, no,” Izumo cut in, shocked. “He didn’t—Iruka?”

Iruka had his face in his hands, his shoulders hunching around his ears as Anko crowed in delight.

“Well, I guess you did manage to find some things he sucks at!” she laughed, ruffling Iruka’s hair. “Those things happened to be your neck, and possibly your d—”

“If you finish that sentence I will make your death look like a _painful_ accident,” Iruka growled, shooting a laughing Anko and Kotetsu a look that could kill. “If you breathe a fucking _word_ of this I swear—”

“Relax, Iruka, we’re just teasing you,” Kotetsu snorted. “But honestly, walk me through the process of almost starting a fistfight and ending up having sex. So, it’s true that Jonin think fighting is foreplay?”

“It was a lapse in judgement, nothing more!” Iruka exclaimed, gratefully taking more shots when they were brought over, downing two immediately.

“Yeah, yeah,” Kotetsu waved him off, grinning. “C’mon, though, just between us…I hear he’s an _awesome_ fuck, care to comment?”

Iruka felt his face, neck, and ears burn as flashes of memory from last night filled his mind, and he let his head drop onto the table as Anko and Kotetsu cheered and wolf-whistled. He felt a comforting hand on his shoulder and knew it must be Izumo’s.

“I think that’s a yes!” Anko teased, her voice sing-song.

“ _Please_ shut up,” Iruka begged, scrubbing at his eyes exhaustedly. “Can we let me forget it happened, can we _all_ forget it happened, then we can go back to passively hating each other in peace,”

“Yeah, we can,” Izumo said, more than a little forcefully. “Guys, knock it off,”

“Okay, okay,” Anko surrendered. “But someday I’m gonna get the full story out of you, ‘Ruka, and it’s gonna be glorious,”

“Fuck off,” Iruka muttered, pushing his chair back and standing. “I’m going home,”

“Iruka—”

“No, Izumo, I’m fine,” Iruka sighed, shaking his head a little. “I just…I need to sleep. I’ll see you all later,”

Iruka turned, hearing Izumo’s scolding of _“See what you guys did now?”_ as he left the bar. Iruka hated feeling like a party pooper, hated making his friends feel like they upset him. Ordinarily he was down for the teasing, he gave as good as he got and they all had laughs. And maybe, one day, he could handle being teased about this. Not tonight, though. Not while it was still so fresh in his mind. It felt like every time he got even a little bit distracted, every time he’d let his mind wander even a little…he’d end up daydreaming— _fantasizing_ —about Kakashi. As much as he’d loathe to admit it—and he may never admit it out loud—there was a lot to fantasize about, where Kakashi was concerned. He honestly was surprised he never noticed before. He supposed maybe it was a little difficult to imagine when he kept 95% of his body covered at all times, but even still. The same wit that was used to torment Iruka at work and drive him up the wall was the very same that could masterfully twist both innuendo and Iruka around his little finger. Iruka was perfectly aware that he was weak for Kakashi, there was no denying that giving Kakashi control was good. But every third fantasy, it seemed, was a memory of holding Kakashi by the throat against the wall, and the submission and complete compliance he was given. He still almost wasn’t sure it even happened, the rest of their night had passed without even a hint at the side of Kakashi that he’d gotten a glimpse at in that moment. He wanted to see that side of Kakashi again. The Kakashi he knew was aloof, closed off, and cocky. In that moment he was vulnerable, willing, and _trusting_. He hadn’t seen anything like that about Kakashi in years, and it was exhilarating.

Iruka sighed heavily, letting himself into his apartment and flopping down unceremoniously onto the couch. He couldn’t _do_ this. He couldn’t keep obsessing over what happened between him and Kakashi. He needed to let it go, try and forget, He was sure this was what Kakashi wanted, after all. It wasn’t like Kakashi Hatake was gonna be sitting around, obsessing over some Chuunin that he had a fling with. If Kotetsu’s comment was anything to go off of, Kakashi got around. It wasn’t like it meant anything to him, so it shouldn’t mean anything to Iruka. It _didn’t_ mean anything to Iruka. It’s not like it would ever happen ever again. Iruka didn’t even want it to happen again…did he? Of course not. He and Kakashi were always at odds. They fought whenever they saw each other. And every bit of heat and tension they had ever built between them apparently boiled over and resulted in the most incredibly mindblowing sex Iruka could remember ever experiencing.

Iruka groaned quietly, pushing his headband off, wincing when it clattered loudly to the floor.

“Stupid,” he muttered, hauling himself up off of the sofa and heading toward his room. “God, Iruka, you’ve always been stupid, but this is next level.”

He fell down onto his bed, burying his face in the pillows. He could try and get his head wrapped around this tomorrow, for now, he had to sleep. Maybe if he slept on it, he could get over it.

___

As it turned out, Iruka’s next few days were relentlessly busy, and mercifully Kakashi-free. He was up to his ears in preparations for the academy graduation exam, not to mention quietly sick with worry about Naruto. He was so desperate to pass, but no matter what Iruka said or did, he didn’t seem to want to do anything to improve his chances. He’d be crushed if he failed again, and Iruka would be crushed with him. He felt guilty for preparing for the worst, it wasn’t like he _expected_ him to fail. But precedent was certainly in place.

The day of the exam passed in a blur for Iruka, and he ended up as crushed as he thought he might be. Naruto hadn’t passed the exam, and it had been Iruka’s fault. And Iruka had had so much to do at the academy, planning graduations and submitting names for potential Genin teams, that he wasn’t able to get away to go and see him afterwards.

When Iruka received the summons, it was like his world was crashing down around him. Naruto Uzumaki, the boy everyone in this village viewed as nothing more than the host of the nine-tailed fox and a danger to Konoha, had stolen a secret scroll of forbidden jutsu. He took the scroll and ran away, to god knows where, and every shinobi in the village was being rallied to find him. He was being hunted like an animal, branded a traitor, and the hatred burning behind some of his comrades’ eyes made Iruka sick to his stomach.

He had to find Naruto first.

And he did. He found him in the forest, the scroll almost too big for him to carry. He greeted Iruka with a smile and a new kind of confidence Iruka had never seen on him before. The story unraveled faster than Iruka could process it, and before he knew it Mizuki was there; a man he’d trusted, considered himself close to, threatening to destroy the most precious thing in Iruka’s life. He couldn’t believe he never saw it before: the cold, all-consuming hatred behind Mizuki’s eyes as he smeared Iruka to Naruto, as he raised his weapon and—

Iruka reacted on instinct. In a last-ditch effort, he threw himself over Naruto, barely managing to keep his body from crushing the boy. His arms were shaking with the strain of keeping himself up, and his breath came in deep, ragged gasps. Tears flowed over his face freely, landing onto Naruto’s. And god, the pain. The pain was indescribable, worse than anything Iruka had ever felt. But Naruto was safe, and he needed to know. He babbled to Naruto as best he could through tears and gasps of pain, trying desperately to convey how much he meant to him.

The following battle was the most incredible thing Iruka had ever witnessed. Naruto made shadow clones, so many that Iruka couldn’t even hope to count them all. Mizuki went down, and when Naruto returned to Iruka’s side, Iruka felt like he might burst with pride. He gave Naruto his headband, shed a few more tears, and eventually was hauled off to the hospital.

Naruto stayed at his bedside day and night, only leaving for brief moments when Iruka insisted he needed to at least shower and change clothes. Naruto had just left Iruka’s room on such an errand when a knock on the doorframe made Iruka look up.

He stiffened when his eyes met a single, heavily-lidded one, struggling to sit up before falling back against the pillows with a small grunt of pain.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Iruka eyed Kakashi warily, immediately on the defensive.

Kakashi held his hands up by his shoulders, keeping more than a comfortable distance away as he picked up on Iruka’s tension. “Bury the hatchet for a minute, Umino. I just wanna talk,”

“Oh?” Iruka raised an eyebrow, folding his arms across his chest. “What about?”

“The Uzumaki boy—”

“He has a name,” Iruka cut him off, scowling.

Kakashi paused, his shoulders slumping a little more than usual. “Right. Sorry. Naruto…sources tell me you’re close,”

Iruka snorted. “ _Sources_? The hell are you talking about?”

“The other Jonin, Lord Third, and the exceedingly common knowledge that you recently risked severing your spinal cord to save his life,” Kakashi replied, deadpan.

“Touché,” Iruka conceded, relaxing as much as he could into his hospital bed. “Talk.”

“Do you, uh…know he lives like that?”

Iruka’s eyes narrowed and his frown deepened. “I have been to Hokage Tower, I have talked myself hoarse. I’ve lectured, I’ve begged, I’d say anything if I thought it could help. It all fell on deaf ears. Not to mention, I’ve _been_ an orphan of the state here in Konoha. Yes, Kakashi, I’m well aware of how he’s being treated. I do what I can, but I can only do so much.”

Silence fell in the room as Iruka held Kakashi’s gaze steadily. He could almost see Kakashi’s brain working, and what little amounts of his face Iruka could actually see were subtly shifting, betraying his thoughts.

“Is that all?” Iruka broke the silence. “Just here to pluck at my nerves?” he accused.

“I’m his Jonin instructor.”

“Oh,”

Iruka fell silent again, processing the information. On one hand, his heart swelled with pride for Naruto. Not only did he pass and graduate the academy, but he was going to be taught by one of Konoha’s finest Jonin. On the other hand, this was a connection to Kakashi that he couldn’t shake. He’d managed, semi-successfully, to avoid any long-term contact with Kakashi since…the incident they had after the mission desk. He may be harder to avoid now that he was linked to Naruto.

“I hear he’s a right little hellion,”

Kakashi broke the silence this time, and Iruka glanced back up at his face. He would have bet real money that Kakashi was smirking at him under that damn mask. Iruka huffed softly, rolling his eyes.

“He’s a good kid. He just…he pulls a lot of pranks,” Iruka’s lips twitched up in a small, fond smile.

“Hm,” Kakashi raised his eyebrow. “Does he know that he’s continuing the legacy of his beloved Iruka-sensei?”

Iruka let out a short laugh, shaking his head a little. “No, no…I feel like my teacher voice would have less effect if he found out about my checkered past with the law,” he paused, his brow furrowing slightly as he looked back up at Kakashi. “But…we weren’t really in the academy together. You paid attention to my 12-year-old academy antics while you were off playing boy genius in ANBU?”

Kakashi let out a soft snort that could have been laughter, shrugging a shoulder. “People talked. Some of my superiors said you could be heading the ANBU Traps and Seals division by the time you were 20 if you kept it up,”

Iruka scoffed, rolling his eyes. “That’s an exaggeration, I was just being a piece of shit,”

“You honestly could have,” Kakashi said. “I’m dead serious. I’ve heard about some of the shit you pulled. I’ve tried to replicate some of it in the field. If you stayed active duty, you would have received an offer.”

Iruka felt his face heat up and he ducked his head, scratching at his scar distractedly. He wasn’t sure how to respond to this, to Kakashi genuinely complimenting his skill as a shinobi. Much less saying he tried to replicate some of Iruka’s academy pranks on missions? He couldn’t be serious. Was he making fun of him?

“I—I wouldn’t have been good on ANBU, anyway,” Iruka muttered, clearly flustered. “I’m sure you remember. I’m too soft even for a-rank missions, much less s.”

“You’re not soft, nobody thinks that,” Kakashi murmured, looking down at his feet. His eye widened a little when Iruka shot him a questioning look, and he shrugged, smiling and clearly trying to dispel the oddly serious tone they seemed to have fallen into. “Nobody who’s ever turned a bad report into you does, at least,”

Iruka flushed, tensing at the mention of the mission reports. He and Kakashi hadn’t really spoken since the…incident, much less about what happened that night. If he was honest, he really didn’t want to. But he couldn’t take _not_ talking about it, he couldn’t take not knowing how Kakashi felt about it. But at the same time, he didn’t think he could handle it right now. On top of that, he’d rather die than let Kakashi know that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. He’d never live it down.

Kakashi seemed to pick up on Iruka’s tension, sighing softly. “Are we, uh…gonna talk about this?”

“No,” Iruka responded automatically, his voice sharp. “No, we’re not gonna _talk_ about it,”

“Okay, okay,” Kakashi relented, pausing for a few seconds. “I’m gonna go,”

“Yeah, you probably should,” Iruka muttered, looking down at the plain white sheets of his hospital bed. “Kakashi,”

Kakashi turned back, looking as surprised to hear his name as Iruka felt calling it.

“He’s…he’s a good kid. If you have faith in him…he won’t let you down. You might have to be more patient sometimes, but he’s worth it,”

Kakashi’s raised an eyebrow

and he shrugged. “You don’t I’ll be able to handle this?”

Iruka snorted in laugher, grinning. “No, I think you’ll suck at it. Especially with the all-star team you have,”

Kakashi’s eyes narrowed. “You know my team?”

“I didn’t know they were gonna be yours, but yes,” Iruka’s grin only widened. “Be warned, they’re rivals,”

Iruka laughed as Kakashi groaned, he knew Kakashi knew all too well what Genin rivalries were like. Kakashi disappeared in silence and Iruka couldn’t help but feel self-satisfied, like he’d finally come out on top of an interaction with Kakashi. He was just being petty, nothing was gained or lost from this conversation. He settled back against his pillows, letting his eyes slip shut and taking advantage of the brief moments of peace he could get before Naruto returned.

___

As it turned out, Iruka didn’t get much time to recuperate. After he left the hospital he had to dive right back into work, preparing syllabi for his next class, taking enough shifts at the mission desk to make up for time lost, and trying his best not to further injure his back while doing it all. He never noticed how much he slouched while doing paperwork until he suffered a spinal injury. He was just grateful that, for the time being, at least, he didn’t have to deal with students on top of his desk work.

Iruka was technically done his work for the day, but he still found himself with papers cluttering his small table at the local bar, chewing on the end of his pen as the ice slowly melted into his drink. He frowned slightly to himself as he read and reread what he’d already written, sighing and rubbing over the scar on his nose.

He only looked up when he noticed someone flop into the chair opposite him, his eyes first meeting those of a smirking Anko before falling on the group of Jonin she had with her. Iruka held back another sigh, starting to pull his papers towards himself. He wasn’t going to be able to get any work done with this crowd around, and he knew it.

“Hey, ‘Ruka!” Anko gestured towards his stack of papers as the rest of her crowd started to settle around them. “What’cha working on? Haven’t you heard of resting?”

Iruka rolled his eyes, wincing when Asuma jostled him slightly, nudging his back. “I have, but I already took three days in the hospital, I have to catch up,” he paused, looking down at his papers. “And this…this is just bureaucracy. Academy policy,”

“Changing the world, huh?” Asuma nudged him again, peering at the papers as Iruka tried to gather them away. “What are you campaigning for?”

Iruka sighed heavily, feeling the eyes of everyone on him. He might as well get it over with, his policy reform campaign would get out as soon as he submitted it, anyway.

“I…want to institute a minimum graduation age at the academy,”

Iruka’s statement was met with silence, which he expected. Somehow, over the years, wanting to protect the interests of children seemed to become controversial. Iruka was well aware that plenty of high-ranking and well-respected shinobi would not share in his sentiments, but he knew he had to try. And, as much as he didn’t want to have this conversation, he knew that if he couldn’t face a crowd of his friends, he certainly couldn’t face the council.

“How young?” Kurenai spoke up, seeming genuinely interested.

“Thirteen,” Iruka replied, frowning a little. “I…honestly think it should be older. But this isn’t my first rodeo with the council, and I…don’t think I could go any higher,”

“Best not to push it,” Anko agreed. “But still…it’s pretty common for kids to be younger,”

“And you don’t think that’s a problem?” Iruka huffed. “Putting children on missions, exposing them to who knows what kind of danger before they’ve even hit puberty? Even if you don’t care about their wellbeing and safety—can you honestly argue that children are the village’s best line of defense?”

The group fell silent again, many of them avoiding looking into Iruka’s eyes in favor of staring into their own laps.

“It’ll never go through,”

Iruka turned around quickly—too quickly, judging by the shock of pain that ran up his spine—locating the source of the comment.

“Kakashi,” Iruka muttered, feeling his face flush with growing irritation. “And what makes you so certain?”

“It won’t go through unless you can prove that having shinobi serving at a young age is hurting the village. And from most’s perspectives, it’s clearly not.”

“Children going to war at age 12 isn’t safe for them, or for the rest of us!” Iruka protested. “It doesn’t matter how much they’ve trained or what tests they’ve passed, they’re kids! They shouldn’t be out of the academy before—”

“I graduated when I was five,” Kakashi shrugged.

“And you think that was _good_ for you?” Iruka couldn’t stop himself from letting out a short, incredulous laugh. “That staying in the academy wouldn’t have been better in the long run?”

Kakashi’s eye narrowed. “The academy was too slow for me, and I doubt it’s improved. Sometimes it can’t keep up with students, and it needs to let them go when they’re ready,”

Iruka bristled, his hand squeezing his pen so hard it threatened to snap in half. “You can’t honestly tell me,” he began, his voice slow and controlled. “That you want more children in this village to lead a life like that. To turn out like _you_ ,”

“I think that there would be plenty of people in this village, Sensei, that would be incredibly grateful if more of the Leaf’s children turned out like me,”

“Of course,” Iruka snapped, standing sharply to face Kakashi directly, moving into his personal space. “Because what Konoha really needs is more overpowered, egotistical teenagers with more psychological damage than friends,”

Kakashi stiffened, his gaze turning cold. His weight shifted like he was going to move closer, and Iruka steeled himself for a confrontation.

“Okay, okay,” Kurenai spoke up again, inserting herself between the two men before Kakashi could respond. “Not that we don’t all love a good debate, but relax, okay? Sit down, have a drink, let this go,”

Iruka glared as Kakashi shrugged, his shoulders slumping as his demeanor returned to his usual casual aloofness. He grabbed his papers off the table, shoving them deep into his bag and throwing the strap over his shoulder.

“I’ve ‘relaxed’ enough,” he muttered, elbowing his way past Kakashi much harder than was necessary, which Kakashi took in spite of it being incredibly easy to block or avoid. He left the bar, fuming, making his way home. So, nothing changed between him and Kakashi after all. Of course it didn’t, he didn’t expect it to. One unexpected hookup and half a civil conversation in a hospital room did not a friendship make, and Iruka didn’t think it would. He didn’t _want_ it to. He’d had enough of Kakashi and his constant need to put Iruka down or antagonize him over _everything_. He was stupid to think, even for a second, that anything about their relationship would have changed after that night, no matter how it might have seemed in the hospital. Kakashi’s opinion of him was so low he was scraping the bottom of the barrel even to speak to him, he made it abundantly clear. Iruka had known this for months. It wasn’t like it was even that uncommon of an opinion from Jonin that Iruka dealt with regularly.

So, why did it bother him so much?

Iruka pulled his papers out of his bag, setting them on his kitchen table and staring at them in silence for several moments. He didn’t want to admit it, but what Kakashi told him left him feeling discouraged. Iruka knew what he was doing was the right thing to do. A minimum graduation age would keep countless Konoha children safer, help keep them out of wars, let them be kids a little longer. But Kakashi’s argument was fair; the Konoha elders _would_ like more shinobi like Kakashi, and they didn’t care how many kids’ lives they ruined to get them. What disturbed Iruka most, however, was Kakashi’s willingness to defend their ideas. He might have thought that someone like Kakashi, who’d been exposed to war since he was six years old, might be more supportive of trying to prevent the cycle from happening again. After all, this reform was for people like Kakashi as much as it was for the kids. Iruka wanted any former child soldiers to know that someone saw them, someone saw their pain, and someone wanted to keep it from happening again.

He should have known that Kakashi wouldn’t see it that way. Kakashi was a perfect little soldier, always had been. He probably thought what Iruka was trying to do was borderline treason.

Well, Kakashi could go fuck himself. Iruka wasn’t going to back down just because Kakashi let the state fuck him up to the point where he didn’t care about kids. He’d fight him about it personally, in front of the Hokage and all the elders if he had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! I love you guys' feedback, and I'm glad you guys are enjoying my story. <3


	3. Chapter 3

As much as Iruka would front in private, or to his friends at the bar, he never actually thought that he’d end up fighting Kakashi in front of the Hokage.

He also never thought Kakashi would be dumb enough to nominate Team 7 for the Chuunin Exams.

Since Kakashi had taken on a Genin team, his interactions with Iruka had been less tense. They still were strained, for sure, but their constant young audience kept them both from stepping over the line. It didn’t keep Kakashi from making sly digs, and it didn’t keep Iruka from glaring daggers, but it did keep them from open, violent hostility. And really, that’s all Iruka’s mission desk coworkers could ask for.

The relative peace was too shaky to last. Iruka’s irritation with Kakashi was building worse and worse with every time he had to bite his tongue around Kakashi’s team, and he supposed he should have expected it to boil over again soon.

Naturally, it boiled over in the worst possible place.

It didn’t start out bad. But then, of course, Iruka didn’t start out fighting Kakashi directly. It was all three Jonin he had an issue with, and he stated his piece to them and the Hokage as eloquently and diplomatically as he could. Naturally, the person who chose to rebut Iruka was Kakashi.

“When I became a Chuunin, I was six years younger than Naruto is now.”

“Naruto is _nothing_ like you!” Iruka’s composure snapped, his voice raising as he stepped out of the crowd to confront Kakashi directly. Did the man only have one argument? Since _he_ had a shitty childhood, everyone deserved one? “Are you trying to destroy him?”

“Well, they’re always complaining about not being challenged enough,” Kakashi replied, shrugging. “Maybe wiping out on the exams will teach them a lesson. A little pain is good,”

“Wh—” Iruka stammered wordlessly for a few seconds, feeling heat rising in his face. “What did you say?”

“Maa, nothing fatal, of course,” Kakashi sighed. “Seriously, Iruka. Relax. I understand how you feel…it’s very _personal_ for you. And it upsets you. But—”

“Alright, Kakashi, back off,” Kurenai cut in when Iruka’s eyes went wide with rage. “You’ve said enough.”

“On the contrary, Kurenai,” Kakashi continued firmly, not once breaking his eye contact with Iruka. “Iruka needs to hear this. He needs to realize that they are not his students anymore. They are _mine_.”

The last sentence was spoken with such cold, brutal venom that Iruka almost felt it physically. He clenched his hands into fists so hard they were shaking, his frustrated growl too loud in the otherwise deathly silent room.

“But—!”

“Iruka,” The calming voice of the Hokage cut through the argument. “You have made your point,”

“Lord Hokage,” Iruka muttered, bowing his head partially out of respect, partially out of shame. He knew a scolding when he heard it, and he knew he deserved it. Openly arguing with his superiors in a meeting like this was out of line. He kept his eyes to the ground while the Hokage spoke to the room about his plans for a preliminary test for the rookies, all the way up until they asked for volunteers to administer said tests. Iruka didn’t have to think about it before volunteering. He got his assignment details after the meeting adjourned, brushing past Kakashi without even so much as a glare in his direction. Glares weren’t enough to adequately express his feelings this time, and he wasn’t about to have another outburst in public.

That aside, he had an assignment to get started on.

As much as it left a bitter taste in his mouth to admit it, Kakashi wasn’t all talk. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke all passed Iruka’s test with flying colors. He was right about them all having improved, but Iruka wasn’t ready to back down just yet.

“You were right,” he begrudgingly admitted, addressing Kakashi’s back. “They’re good. They’ve all developed impressive skills,”

Kakashi didn’t turn, but he did straighten up a little. “The Chuunin exams can break anyone,” he murmured, seeming to pick up on Iruka’s unfinished thought. “Well?”

“I’m not apologizing.”

Kakashi huffed out a short laugh, shaking his head a little. “I didn’t expect you to,” He turned slightly to the left, glancing back towards Iruka. “You still think I’m wrong.”

“I do.”

“Is there anything that’ll change your mind?”

“No,” Iruka sighed, walking over to the edge of the roof and flopping down beside Kakashi. “No, because this isn’t about whether or not the kids will pass the test, or even survive it. I don’t care if you’re right about that. This is about whether them participating is good for them or not, and I don’t think you’re right. _Nothing_ will change that.”

Kakashi hummed softly, regarding Iruka was an infuriatingly neutral stare for a few moments. “That’s what I thought you’d say,” he looked away, gazing back over the city. “For the record, I’m not gonna apologize for what I said, either.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Iruka snorted, wrinkling his nose. “No need to, you pull rank with the best of ‘em, Hatake. You really reminded me where I stand.”

“It wasn’t _pulling rank_ ,” Kakashi insisted. “I wasn’t trying to make you look bad, Iruka.”

Iruka laughed bitterly, rolling his eyes. “Well, I guess that was just a happy side effect of _lecturing_ me in front of the entire shinobi force as well as the Hokage.”

“I’m being serious,” Kakashi sighed heavily. “Iruka—it didn’t come out right in there, I admit. But what I was saying was important. They _aren’t_ your students anymore—and I don’t mean that to say they shouldn’t be important to you, or that what they learned from you wasn’t important. But they’ve grown since then. They’re not the students that you remember, they’re more than that now. All of them—I can only really speak for Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke of course—but they’ve done truly incredible things. I know you’re worried. But you should have more faith in them, and in us. We wouldn’t have recommended them if we thought they would die.”

Iruka eyed Kakashi suspiciously, confused and a little overwhelmed by the sudden earnestness in his voice. Kakashi caught his gaze, smiling disarmingly, attempting to diffuse any remaining tension.

“I would have said it like that in there, but I couldn’t have the other Jonin thinking I was all sentimental,”

Iruka snorted, allowing himself a small, grudging smile. “Bull _shit_. You just suck at civil conversation.”

“You may be right about that, I was practicing that speech all night,” Kakashi conceded. He let them sit in silence for a few seconds, before gently knocking his shoulder into Iruka’s. “Speaking of…are we ever gonna…talk? About..?”

Kakashi let his sentence trail off and Iruka felt the heat creeping back into his face, he ducked his head to avoid Kakashi seeing, even though it was dark up on the rooftop. Iruka groaned softly, scratching at his scar uncomfortably.

“…Why do you even _want_ to talk about it so bad, anyway?” He finally muttered, avoiding meeting Kakashi’s gaze.

Kakashi shrugged, turning his own gaze off Iruka and back toward the sky. “Don’t know. Thought maybe we should,” he paused. Iruka caught him rubbing at the back of his neck distractedly. Was he…nervous? “We don’t have to. If you’d rather not.”

Iruka sighed, biting at his lower lip. This was the most awkward he’d ever seen Kakashi. He seemed uncomfortable, and not at all like he wanted to talk about it. But…this was the second time he’d brought it up. Maybe…there was a _chance_ he had been thinking about it as much as Iruka had. He’d never know if he kept avoiding it.

“No, we—you—just talk, if you wanna so bad,” Iruka murmured, curling his knees up to his chest.

Kakashi let out a quiet groan, self-consciously tugging his mask a little higher over his cheeks. Iruka raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to speak.

“I liked it,” Kakashi finally admitted. “More than I thought I would. That’s all.”

Damn, if Iruka wasn’t blushing before. Okay. So, that was a curveball. He felt his throat go dry after Kakashi’s confession, and he felt like he couldn’t form thoughts, much less words. He must have stayed quiet for too long, because Kakashi quickly started to backtrack.

“Um. But it’s not—it shouldn’t be weird. I didn’t mean—that was weird, I—”

“This whole goddamn thing is _weird,_ Kakashi,” Iruka managed, finally looking back up at him. He relaxed slightly, finally releasing his knees and straightening up again. “But I—I’m not exactly…complaining,” he murmured, leaning maybe an inch or two closer.

“You’re—not?” Kakashi asked, his eye widening as Iruka leaned closer with a small smirk.

“Nah,” Iruka shrugged a shoulder, daring to slide his fingers over Kakashi’s thigh. “And hell…if this is the alternative for getting into fistfights, I know which one I prefer.”

“You ended up with the same number of bruises either way,” Kakashi teased, his voice low and seductive, earning himself a pinch on his inner thigh. “Ngh—you know I’m right,”

“Yeah, I had a hell of a time covering those at work,” Iruka muttered, his breath hitching gently when Kakashi’s fingers began to follow a similar path over his own leg. “You cheat with that fucking mask.”

Kakashi chuckled, brushing his fingers over Iruka’s fly teasingly, causing Iruka to suck in a sharp breath.

“You keep doing that, and you’ll be the one getting _‘taken in the street’_ ,” Iruka grit out, his breath coming quicker the longer Kakashi’s hand lingered. “Seriously, Hatake, are we doing this or not?”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, squeezing Iruka quickly, earning a whispered curse, before pulling his hand away. “Your call.”

“Your place?”

“It’s close by,” Kakashi answered, standing and pulling Iruka up by the wrist. “Teleport or run?”

Iruka paused, weighing the options. So far, the only people who knew about him and Kakashi were the two of them plus Izumo, Kotetsu, and Anko. That number risked going up if they walked to Kakashi’s house together.

“Teleport,” he decided, pulling Kakashi closer by the hips and holding on. “Hurry up before I change my mind,”

“Like you would,” Kakashi murmured, infuriatingly smug as he wove the hand signs, gasping sharply as Iruka grabbed his ass just before they disappeared in a puff of smoke and swirl of leaves.

They materialized directly into Kakashi’s bedroom this time, a detail that did not escape Iruka.

“Really?” he snorted. “Impatient, huh?”

“Maybe a little,” Kakashi murmured, forgoing the bed in favor of pressing Iruka against the wall. He pulled his mask down, nuzzling against Iruka’s neck and biting under his ear.

Iruka groaned, letting his head fall back and hit the wall with a dull thud, grabbing Kakashi’s hips and pulling him closer.

“Thought about this a lot, recently,” Kakashi breathed against Iruka’s neck, his hand snaking under Iruka’s vest and shirt to pinch at a nipple.

“Ah—! You have?” Iruka asked, biting down on his lower lip to suppress another moan as Kakashi dragged his nails down his side.

“Yeah,” Kakashi grinned, yanking Iruka’s pants open and sliding his hand inside. “Every time you pissed me off,”

Iruka’s laughter was cut off by a low groan when Kakashi wrapped his fingers around him, pushing his hips up against the friction. “Mhh, I should piss you off more often, I guess,”

“I don’t think the village could handle that,” Kakashi smirked, nipping sharply at Iruka’s collarbone.

Iruka grunted, pulling the zipper of Kakashi’s vest down sharply, pushing it off his shoulders and watching Kakashi shrug it off to the floor. “You think _you_ could handle it?”

“I wanna find out,”

Iruka’s eyes widened as Kakashi sank to his knees in front of him, leaning forward and nuzzling against his tented boxers. Iruka ran his hands through Kakashi’s hair, sliding his headband off and letting it fall to the floor next to his flak vest. Kakashi groaned softly against him at the feel of Iruka’s fingers in his hair, the sound turning into a needy whine when Iruka tightened his grip and tugged.

Kakashi looked up at Iruka, holding his gaze as he slowly tugged Iruka’s underwear down enough to expose him, licking a long stripe up the underside of his cock. Iruka whimpered, holding eye contact for as long as he could before his eyes fluttered shut and he let his head drop back again, his fingers alternately stroking and tugging at Kakashi’s hair as Kakashi took Iruka into his mouth. His jaw went slack at a particularly skillful swirl of Kakashi’s tongue, and his hips twitched forward before he could think about it. His eyes flew open when he heard Kakashi gag, stroking through his hair quickly.

“S-sorry, fuck,” Iruka gasped out, looking down as Kakashi pulled back slowly. “I, uh, forgot you…you were…”

Iruka’s voice trailed off as Kakashi pulled off him, licking his lips obscenely slowly as he locked his burning gaze with Iruka’s.

“You want to?” Kakashi asked, his voice low and hoarse.

“W-want to what?” Iruka asked, his cheeks flushing red.

Kakashi smirked, looking pointedly at Iruka’s cock, then back up to his face. “Fuck my face. You want to?”

“God,” Iruka moaned, his fingers tightening in Kakashi’s hair. “You’re gonna fucking _kill_ me,”

“That a yes, Umino?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Iruka growled, pulling Kakashi’s head closer. “Fuck, yes, _Kakashi_ ,”

Kakashi moved willingly with the tugs on his hair, opening his mouth and raising an eyebrow at Iruka in clear invitation. Iruka pushed into Kakashi’s mouth slowly, groaning weakly at the subtle flutter of Kakashi’s eyelashes and the feeling of Kakashi’s mouth widening submissively. Kakashi swirled his tongue purposefully around Iruka as he pulled back, earning a high-pitched moan as Iruka’s hips snapped forward sharply. Kakashi groaned as Iruka adopted a rougher pace, moaning deeply and throwing his head back against the wall.

“Ngh, fuck,” Iruka gasped, pushing Kakashi’s hair out of his eye to meet his gaze. “I…I’m—”

Kakashi moaned softly in response, causing Iruka to arch his hips off the wall with a desperate whine. He tugged sharply at Kakashi’s hair, his hips stuttering forward twice more before he came into Kakashi’s mouth with a deep cry.

Iruka moaned weakly, blinking his eyes back open in time to see Kakashi pull back slowly, a long string of saliva stretching between his lower lip and Iruka’s cock before falling over his chin. Iruka gave in to the weakness in his knees, sliding down the wall to join Kakashi on the floor, his breath coming out in shallow pants. He reached out slowly, gently running his thumb over Kakashi’s lower lip to wipe the mess away. Kakashi smirked, his tongue following the path taken by Iruka’s finger.

“You good?” he teased, grinning as Iruka’s cheeks flushed darker.

“Never better,” Iruka murmured, glancing down at Kakashi’s crotch pointedly. “What about you?”

Kakashi shrugged a shoulder, shifting back a little. “I’m fine, you look fuckin’ beat,”

“Fuck that,” Iruka rolled his eyes, pushing himself off the wall and straddling one of Kakashi’s thighs. “I’m still game if you are.”

Kakashi moaned softly as Iruka slid a hand down his torso to rest at the waistband of his pants, his hips twitching up to chase the touch. “Mm—you can do whatever you want,”

Iruka shot Kakashi a wicked grin, deftly undoing his fly with one hand as he sank the fingers of the other back into Kakashi’s hair, twisting his head to the side and nuzzling into his neck. Kakashi let out a small noise on a sigh, his breath hitching when Iruka nipped at his neck. Iruka slipped his fingers inside Kakashi’s underwear, wrapping his fingers around Kakashi’s cock and stroking him firmly.

“Ah, fuck,” Kakashi breathed, arching his hips up into Iruka’s hand. He let his head fall forward onto Iruka’s shoulder, his breath coming quicker with each pull from Iruka’s hand. “Dammit, fuck, it’s not gonna be long,”

Iruka sucked a mark below Kakashi’s ear, reveling in the whine he drew from Kakashi with a purposeful twist of his fingers. Kakashi arched his back, his face screwing up as he clenched his fist in Iruka’s shirt.

“Iruka—ah—!” Kakashi gasped, shuddering as Iruka sped his hand. He let out a loud, low groan, pushing his hips up into Iruka’s hand as he came.

Iruka grinned, pulling his hand out of Kakashi’s pants. Kakashi leaned back, his chest heaving slightly with labored breath. He took Iruka’s wrist in his hand, bringing Iruka’s sticky fingers to his mouth, keeping his gaze locked with Iruka’s as he sucked them clean. Iruka’s eyes widened and he felt his cheeks burn, something about the action feeling much more intimate than anything they had done before. That was ridiculous, and he knew it, but he felt the need to pull his hand away, tearing his eyes away from Kakashi’s to look down at his own lap. He cleared his throat awkwardly, shifting backwards so he was off Kakashi’s lap.

Kakashi sighed softly, pushing his hair out of his face. He licked his lips quickly, not seeming to know where to look. Iruka flushed, pulling his pants back on modestly and shifting uncomfortably.

“I, uh. I should go home,” he muttered, standing up quickly.

“Oh. Right.”

Iruka paused, conflicted for a moment. No, what was he thinking? It was a weird fluke that he stayed last time. This was…releasing frustration, nothing more. He should go home, he wanted to. He didn’t want to stay with Kakashi.

“I’ll, uh. See you around.”

“I guess you will, yeah.”

Iruka nodded, doing one last check to make sure his uniform was presentable before slipping out of Kakashi’s apartment. He made his way home as quickly as he could, his mind churning rapidly. This hookup felt different from last time, that was for certain. It was less aggressive and more indulgent, and the aftermath felt different as well. Last time, Iruka felt instant, burning regret. He was angry at himself, angry at Kakashi, embarrassed by his behavior, and terrified that this was gonna come back to haunt him. This time, it wasn’t like that at all. He felt way more in control, and sure of what he wanted. He felt like they were on even footing the whole time, instead of the power struggle they had before. They had been on the same wavelength the entire time.

Iruka groaned, scrubbing at his eyes with the heels of his palms. This was getting dangerous. They could call it whatever they wanted—letting out frustrations, whatever—as long as it didn’t get too…personal. Iruka wasn’t in the habit of letting people get too close to him, and he was pretty sure Kakashi wasn’t either. The both of them were playing with fire, and Iruka knew damn well he needed to bail before he got burned. Knowing the two of them, the resulting wildfire would take half the town with them.

___

Whether or not it was intentional on either of their parts or not, Iruka and Kakashi didn’t cross paths for the next several days. The Chuunin exams were dictating the routines of pretty much every shinobi that was off active mission duty; Iruka himself among the Chuunin that greeted the Genin who completed the test in the Forest of Death. He could have cried with relief when he saw the faces of Team 7. They were dirty, they were bloodied, but they were triumphant. But, as proud as he was of all of them, and as relieved as they all visibly were, Iruka could see that they still carried tension. Notably, Sasuke and Sakura. Iruka frowned a little as he watched them, taking a mental note. Sasuke was a quiet, brooding boy for sure, but this was different. He and Sakura had something eating at them, and they seemed to be hiding it even from Naruto.

After the Hokage’s speech, Iruka was one of the few who decided to stick around to watch the preliminary qualifying matches. He felt his heart leap when he saw Kakashi linger behind to talk to Sasuke as he prepared for his match. Both of them looked oddly serious, and it was all the affirmation Iruka needed to feel validated in his earlier feeling that something was wrong. The thrill of being right was short-lived, however, replaced quickly with fear for Sasuke. He wasn’t worried about his match, he knew Sasuke was a talented kid. But no matter how Kakashi hid himself, Iruka could tell he was worried. And as far as Iruka was concerned, anything that caused Kakashi to worry should cause anyone else in the room to worry.

Sasuke’s fight proved Iruka’s worry valid. He’d very nearly lost; and though the taijutsu he’d used to win the fight was impressive, Iruka knew that it wasn’t like Sasuke not to utilize his above-average ninjutsu skills in a fight. Kakashi sweeping him away immediately after his win only conformed Iruka’s suspicions of foul play even further. He had half a mind to follow the pair, thinking better of it after a single, impulsive moment. Whatever it was that was going on with Sasuke, it probably wouldn’t be helped by whatever tension always got between his interactions with Kakashi. And, selfishly, Iruka still wanted to be able to keep an eye on Naruto’s fight. It wasn’t long into the preliminary fights before Kakashi returned in a puff of smoke, noticeably without Sasuke. Iruka was burning with curiosity, but stayed put on the other side of the room. The intensity of the rest of the preliminary matches drove all thoughts of both Kakashi and Sasuke out of Iruka’s mind completely, his head spinning with a dizzying combination of pride for his students’ successes and deep concern for those of his students who were defeated. Hinata and Rock Lee made top of his priorities to check up on at the end of the day. It wasn’t until all the matches were concluded, until the list of the match-ups for the final exam were revealed, that Iruka remembered the suspicious disappearance of Sasuke Uchiha. He would go and visit Hinata and Lee later, of course he would. But something happened when Kakashi left with Sasuke, and Iruka intended to find out what it was.

It took Iruka some time to find Kakashi that night. It wasn’t surprising, he was the best of the best. If he didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be. With that knowledge, it was hard to feel victorious upon locating him. Iruka knew he was only found because he decided to be.

“Kakashi, what happened to Sasuke?” Iruka asked, folding his arms and staring up into the branches of the tree upon which Kakashi sat.

Kakashi spared him a sideways glance before sighing, closing his book with a snap. “He came out of five days in the Forest of Death only to have an excruciatingly difficult match against an opponent who drains chakra upon physical contact, as you saw. He’s resting in the hospital—”

“I’ve been to the hospital,” Iruka cut him off, his eyebrows knitting together as he frowned. “He has an _ANBU guard_. So cut the bullshit, Kakashi, and tell me what happened after you left the tower.”

Kakashi paused for several long seconds, before slipping out of the tree to land in front of Iruka.

“I can’t tell you everything.”

Iruka sighed heavily, squaring his shoulders and staring up into Kakashi’s eye. “I understand. Tell me what you can,” he paused. “Please.”

“Sasuke was attacked in the Forest. Targeted,” Kakashi murmured, tense. “I did what I could, but he is still in danger.”

Iruka’s eyes widened. “Still in—Kakashi, what is the village going to do? Whoever targeted him, are they—”

“Still at large, yes,” Kakashi confirmed. “And very, _very_ dangerous.”

“Kakashi—”

“There’s a month between now and the final exam. I…I am going to take Sasuke outside of the village to train,” he paused, his voice softening. “Both he and the village will be safer that way.”

“And what about after that?” Iruka asked, stepping closer. “When the month is up, and you two come back? Kakashi, who targeted Sasuke?”

“I can’t—”

“You _won’t_ , you mean,” Iruka challenged. “Why won’t you let me help? Do you really think me so incompetent? Kakashi, tell me what’s happening!”

“This isn’t about that!” Kakashi snapped. “This is confidential information, s-rank confidential, Iruka. If it gets out—”

“You’re wrong,” Iruka retorted. “This _is_ about that. Kakashi, when you came back…when you came back without Sasuke, you were terrified.”

Kakashi’s visible eye widened for a split second, before his usual controlled expression slid back into place.

“Please… _please_ tell me what happened,” Iruka whispered, resting a hand on Kakashi’s elbow tentatively.

Kakashi pulled his arm away in a jerky motion, averting his gaze. “No.”

“Kakashi—”

“I’m leaving as soon as Sasuke is conscious and able to walk,” Kakashi announced. He sighed heavily, turning back to face Iruka. “We’re doing everything we can to keep the village safe.” He paused again, his eye betraying emotion Iruka couldn’t identify. “Promise you’ll stay vigilant.”

Iruka frowned, at a loss for words for several seconds. He was desperate to know what had Kakashi so worried, and frustrated about being kept in the dark. Part of him wanted to lay into Kakashi anew, to demand satisfactory answers, to insist that his rank and position didn’t mean he was weak or untrustworthy. But that was unreasonable, Kakashi didn’t control who was privy to classified information. And Iruka could tell…he knew that Kakashi was more worried than he was trying to let on. Once, just once, Iruka could do this. He could do at least a little to take a load off of Kakashi’s mind.

“I promise. But only if you promise that both of you will come back safe.”

Kakashi let out a short, amused huff of breath, holding Iruka’s gaze.

“You have my word.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos make my day. I love hearing what you guys think <3


	4. Chapter 4

The month before the final exam was deceptively quiet. It was so routine it threatened to lull Iruka into a false sense of security, his promise to Kakashi to stay vigilant always waiting at the back of his mind to jerk him back into reality. Vigilance aside, the village felt large and lonely for the month. Anko was heavily involved in whatever village security measures were being enacted after Sasuke’s Forest of Death ordeal (and Iruka knew better than to ask her for information), Kakashi was out of the village training Sasuke, and Naruto was off training with _Jiraiya_ of all people. All things considered, Iruka’s academy routine felt so much like a completely unnecessary song-and-dance that he wanted to scream in frustration. It was almost enough to make him wish he never confronted Kakashi about Sasuke. After all, knowing a little without the full story was way fucking worse than knowing nothing. He tried to tell himself that the most important thing he can do is just continue to behave normally, that acting on-edge would just make his students worry, and worried kids helped nothing.

As exam day drew nearer, Iruka’s anxiety only grew. Despite receiving no further information, Iruka had drawn his own conclusions about this whole mess. If Sasuke had been targeted as part of the exam, it only made sense to assume that whoever it was might try again. Furthermore, it made sense that they would make an attempt at it during a time when the village had conveniently set up an opportunity to face Sasuke in a deathmatch. Honestly, part of Iruka wondered why the Hokage even let Sasuke continue to participate in the exams. But there was nothing he could do about that now, he’d done his time trying to get the council to care about kids.

When exam day dawned, Iruka was a mess of anxiety. He was trying his level best to teach his classes like normal, but he was dangerously close to calling it a lost cause. All his kids were bouncing off the walls with excitement, and Iruka’s thoughts were more occupied with worry for Naruto and Sasuke than they were with teaching. The afternoon seemed to pass at a crawl, Iruka’s stomach twisting uncomfortably with each distant roar of the crowd he could hear through the classroom window. He just needed the day to be over, every moment that passed without incident only increased the feeling of impending doom that lingered in the back of Iruka’s mind.

When the explosion shook his classroom, all distracting thoughts flew from Iruka’s mind. That explosion was too big to have come from the arena, and besides that, it sounded like it came from the opposite direction. That came from the outer village walls, which meant—

“Everybody, listen to me,” Iruka stood from his desk, his students falling silent immediately. Iruka swallowed heavily, the sounds of battle starting to float in through the window. “You guys remember our safety drills, right?” his students nodded, uncharacteristically serious. “Okay. Good. Everybody stay calm, stay aware. Get in line and go, I’ll be right behind you.”

Iruka ushered his students to the safehouse along with the other teachers, nearly colliding with Konohamaru when he stopped dead in his tracks on the side of Hokage Rock. He followed the boy’s gaze, his eyes widening when he saw the large crack across The Third’s face. He swallowed heavily, looking back down and seeing tears brimming in Konohamaru’s eyes.

Iruka was not a superstitious man. He put little stock in the supernatural. But even he had to admit, that felt like an omen.

“It’s just stress from the aftershocks of the explosions,” he murmured, patting Konohamaru’s shoulder reassuringly. “C’mon, we have to keep moving.”

Once he, the teachers, and all the students had made it into the safehouse, Iruka felt the intense anxiety threatening to consume him again. He felt so useless hiding with the students when his fellow shinobi were fighting just outside. People were invading the village! Iruka should be fighting back! The longer he remained, and the closer the sounds of battle got, Iruka couldn’t help but be reminded of the last time he was hidden here. He swallowed heavily, trying to push away the memories of hiding in the corner of the dark safehouse, hearing the sounds of a raging battle, getting the news that the division his parents served in had all been slaughtered—

He shook his head quickly, pushing those thoughts aside. He needed to stay present, stay sharp, these kids were counting on him for protection.

The battle went on for hours, by the end of it Iruka was nearly vibrating with stress and anxiety. The sounds of battle had died out, but they were still waiting on the all-clear from one of the ANBU before they could go. The waiting in silence was nerve-wracking, just like Iruka remembered. He leaned against the wall, taking in deep, steady breaths. He could do this. The worst was over.

By the time the ANBU came to tell them that the rest of the village was safe, Iruka was more physically and emotionally drained than he’d been in a very long time. His blood ran cold when the ANBU agent bypassed another teacher to approach him directly, pulling him by the elbow into a secluded corner.

“What’s wrong? Are we not safe?” Iruka asked in a hushed tone, his hand twitching toward his kunai holster reflexively.

“No, we’re safe. You can stand down,”

Iruka breathed a deep sigh of relief, his shoulders finally relaxing. “Thank you.”

“But Umino-sensei…you are the teacher of Konohamaru Sarutobi, correct?”

Iruka’s brows knit together. “I…yes, I am. Why do you ask?”

“Umino-sensei…we thought he should find out earlier than later. Lord Third—”

“No,” Iruka cut in, his face going pale. “No, he’s not—”

“He is dead, Umino-sensei,” Even though Iruka couldn’t see his face, his deep grief was evident in his muffled voice alone. “We have suffered a terrible loss. I think it is best we tell him as gently as we can.”

“Please,” Iruka managed, swallowing heavily and steeling himself. “Please, let me come with you when you do.”

Iruka could tell the ANBU agent was relieved. Iruka couldn’t exactly blame him, grief counseling wasn’t exactly a part of ANBU training.

“I would appreciate that very much. Thank you.”

 

___

The memorial service for Hiruzen Sarutobi and the other fallen shinobi was somber and beautiful, but Iruka couldn’t focus on any of it. His mind was overcome with the memory of putting someone else through the thing that had haunted his nightmares since age 10, telling a child who had been trapped in a dark safehouse for hours that someone he loved was dead and he was alone now. Konohamaru hadn’t believed the ANBU agent at first, shaking his head and insisting that he must be wrong. Iruka had knelt in front of him, saying nothing, just pulling him into a hug which Konohamaru was too shell-shocked to return. He broke in Iruka’s arms, clinging to his vest and sobbing against his shoulder. Iruka ended up carrying him out of the safehouse, holding onto him until Ebisu arrived to take him home.

Even at the ceremony, Konohamaru wordlessly pulled Iruka close to the front to stand behind him, and Iruka tried his best not to cry. After the ceremony, when Konohamaru had asked why people sacrifice themselves for others, Iruka had struggled to find an answer. Deep down, he still felt like he did when he was ten years old; that sacrificing your life for your loved ones was still a little bit selfish. After all, it meant that they never had to live their lives without the person they cared so much about. And even though Iruka was older now, and he had people in his life he wouldn’t hesitate to die for, he couldn’t help but cling to the immature part of him that resented the fact that people still died for others.

He watched Naruto and Konohamaru walk away, sadness weighing in his stomach like a lead ball. He couldn’t go home, he wouldn’t be able to stay sane if he was alone in his home. Some of his friends invited him out for a drink, to celebrate the lives of those lost, and Iruka immediately declined. The thought of trying to keep his spirits light after the events of the last few days made him sick to his stomach. He admired what they were trying to do, but he couldn’t participate. He needed to mourn before he was able to look fondly back on the memories of those lost.

Iruka found himself up one of the village’s tallest trees, curled up on a branch that gave him a view of Hokage Rock. He leaned his head against the tree trunk, gazing out at the carving of Lord Third’s face, lost in his own thoughts for the rest of the afternoon. He was so morose that he didn’t even flinch when he felt another presence appear beside him, not taking his eyes off the face of Hiruzen Sarutobi.

“Iruka,”

Iruka shifted when Kakashi spoke, realizing now that he had been crying. He rubbed his cheeks clean, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

“What? What do you want?”

Kakashi was silent for a few seconds, following Iruka’s gaze to Hokage Rock before answering. “I wanted to make sure you were okay, I know you and Lord Third were close,” he said, looking back down at him. “I…I heard what you said to Konohamaru today. It was well spoken,”

Iruka stayed quiet, curling in on himself tighter and sniffling loudly.

“It was a huge blow. But we’re gonna be okay. Probably.”

Iruka huffed, bringing a hand up to wipe at his eyes roughly. “Anyone ever tell you that you suck at comforting people?” he muttered, having to put effort behind not having his voice break.

Kakashi shrugged. “It’s not my forte, I’ll admit.”

“Right, I forgot that murder is all you’re good at.”

“Ouch,” Kakashi said, his tone was still light but Iruka could tell he struck a nerve. “I know you’re better at this kind of thing, but I—”

“And that’s just it, isn’t it?” Iruka cut in, finally turning to face Kakashi. “I deal with the aftermath. People like you just—start wars, assassinate politicians, cause chaos…and people like _me_ are the ones who are left with the orphans, with the children who want to know why mom and dad and their siblings are dead or mutilated, who are _scared_ and just want to know if they’ll be safe ever again. You’ve never had to look into the face of a child and explain what it was that killed their mother, that it was the same _tactics_ and _strategy_ that I lectured about last week that’s making them hurt so badly,”

“Iruka—”

“I know everything!” Iruka’s voice rose as he stood, turning to face Kakashi fully. “Anko told me the whole story. About Orochimaru, about the mark—the same goddamn curse mark he gave _her_ , you all knew that happened to him and you still let him fight in the final! You used a _child_ as a chess piece—as _bait_ for Orochimaru and it ended up with the Hokage fucking _dead_.”

“If you know about the curse mark, do you also know that I sealed it?” Kakashi spoke up, loud over Iruka’s rant. “That day, after the Forest of Death. I took Sasuke away, deep underground, below T&I. Iruka, I confronted Orochimaru that day.”

“What?” Iruka paled, his eyes going wide. “You—”

“Just after I finished the seal. _That_ is why I was terrified. You were right.”

“But how did you—”

“I was ready to die. To put my life on the line. We didn’t fight,” Kakashi paused, and Iruka noticed his hand was shaking. “But he confirmed he was after Sasuke. After his eyes. That’s why I took him away. I wanted to make him strong enough to protect himself.”

“But the exam,” Iruka protested. “Was obviously what Orochimaru was using to get close to him, it was nothing more than an opportunity. How could Sasuke be allowed to participate?”

“That was not my call,” Kakashi said firmly. “It was up to Lord Third to say whether he was allowed, and up to Sasuke to decide to forfeit or not.”

“But you had to know,” Iruka growled. “You had to know the risks were too great, you could have fought harder to have him removed!”

“ _Think_ for a second!” Kakashi barked, grabbing hold of Iruka’s shoulders and holding him still. “You know as well as I do how well that argument goes over in this village. If I fought, they just would have had someone else train him. I knew I could give him the tools to keep himself safe,”

“And what about the rest of us?” Iruka shot back, slapping Kakashi’s hands away as tears began brimming in his eyes again. “Did it keep us all safe? Was Hayate safe? Was Lord Third _safe?_ ”

“They knew the risks of—”

“ _Fuck_ the risks of the job!” Iruka was yelling now, tears of grief, anger, and frustration flowing down his cheeks. “We _knew_ Orochimaru was here in the village, we _knew_ what he wanted, and we put it in his _lap!_ ”

“Pulling Sasuke out of the exams would have only delayed him at most, Sensei, you know—”

“I do know! And I also know that a delay in his plan would have given us valuable time to strategize! We knew he was here _and_ what he was after! With that knowledge and with more time we could have done better, we could have gained the upper hand and maybe he wouldn’t have—”

Iruka’s voice faltered and he coked on his words, turning away from Kakashi quickly and stifling a sob. Behind him, Kakashi sighed heavily.

“C’mon, Iruka,” Kakashi’s voice was low, and gentle. “I know that—I know what this is like. You’ve lost so much, and…I know anger is easier to feel than grief.”

“You don’t know me,” Iruka growled, wiping at his tears angrily. “You don’t know what I’m feeling, stop pretending that you do.”

Kakashi was silent for several long seconds, and Iruka refused to look at him. His emotions were overwhelming, and he couldn’t bear to break down in front of Kakashi. Crying in front of him was bad enough.

“Iruka…”

“Fuck off, Kakashi,” Iruka growled. “Leave me alone.”

Iruka heard Kakashi sigh, and that was the last thing he heard before he felt the rush of air behind him that meant Kakashi had leapt away. A few more tears spilled over Iruka’s cheeks and he let them, sinking back down and curling in on himself. The last thing he needed right now was Kakashi trying to justify the reckless endangerment of children to him in the aftermath of so much devastation. He’d been keeping himself together all day to keep up a strong face for all his kids, and he was at his limit. He buried his face in his knees, his shoulders shaking as he let the sobs come freely. He didn’t know how long he spent out there, but he’d cried his eyes dry, his nose was stuffy, and he was absolutely exhausted.

He dragged himself home slowly, pausing in his bathroom when he caught himself in the mirror. He looked, quite possibly, worse than he felt. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, his nose was pink from being rubbed at, his cheeks were tearstained, and his hair was a disheveled mess. He couldn’t help but let out a weak laugh, shaking his head gently.

“Pull it together, Umino,” he muttered to himself, sighing softly and splashing his face with cool water. Life was expected to go back to normal tomorrow, with reconstruction efforts and training and academy classes resuming all at once. It was back to putting up a strong face first thing tomorrow, and Iruka wasn’t sure he was ready to. He knew this was the life he signed up for, loss was inevitable. As it turned out, Iruka hadn’t really gotten much better at processing loss since he was ten years old. He still felt angry, he still felt lonely, he still felt helpless. He had thought, when he was younger, that when he was older and stronger he’d know how to deal with this. The adults back then seemed to have all the answers. He was learning, this time, that all the adults had over him was that they were jaded, desensitized to death. Iruka hoped he never got that way. It was miserable, and it hurt like hell, but at least he could tell his humanity was still intact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days? I don't know what's gotten into me. I know I'm going to be busy for the next little while, and I want to make sure you guys have as much of this story as frequently as possible, because I'm really excited for you guys to read it. Kudos and comments are always appreciated <3


	5. Chapter 5

Iruka performed his duties in the village over the next couple of days as if he were in a trance, getting along by habit and muscle memory more so than by conscious effort. He was distant and distracted, spending most of his free time either asleep or staring aimlessly into space. He’d been avoiding spending time with his friends, only really leaving his apartment for work. He hadn’t seen Kakashi since their argument after the funeral, and he wasn’t exactly trying very hard to remedy that. He didn’t at all regret the things he’d said, he meant them. He believed wholeheartedly that Kakashi and the village council was partially responsible for the losses faced on exam day, even though he may not have said it if he weren’t so emotionally compromised at the time.

It was perhaps the third day after the funeral (or was it the fifth? Iruka hadn’t really been keeping track well), and something in the village felt…off. He couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was, it was an instinct more than anything. The air in the village felt tense, so tense that it distracted Iruka from the grief that was already distracting him. He found himself wandering through the city suspiciously, trying desperately to figure out what was eating at him. He ended up running into Kotetsu a few blocks from his apartment, who looked uncharacteristically serious.

“Iruka? Holy shit, you picked a hell of a day to rejoin society,”

Iruka frowned, folding his arms across his chest defensively. “What’s that supposed to mean? What’s going on?”

“I’m not really supposed to talk about this, but,” Kotetsu’s voice dropped low. “Iruka…Itachi Uchiha infiltrated the village.”

“ _What?_ ” Iruka’s jaw dropped. That more than explained the strangely foreboding air around the village today.  “He—”

“Just walked right in, him and some big bad from Kiri,” Kotetsu shook his head. “Kurenai and Asuma and Kakashi fought them, they’re trying to keep it hush so people don’t panic. Little hope of that, with Kakashi out of commission.”

Iruka paled. “Kakashi’s out of commission? I—what do you mean he’s—”

“He went eye-to-eye with Itachi. Now he’s out cold,” Kotetsu said grimly. “I saw Gai bring him in. Asked Asuma about it later, he said it was scary. Said one second Kakashi told he and Kurenai to close their eyes, the next he was collapsed on his knees.”

“Eye-to-eye…with…?” Iruka repeated weakly, swaying gently on his feet. This was too much. “But Itachi…is he—”

“He’s gone. He and the big guy from Kiri left. Whoa, Iruka, you okay?” Kotetsu held onto Iruka’s elbow, holding him steady. “Hey, come here, sit down,” he guided Iruka to a nearby bench, sitting beside him.

“What—what was he here for? Did he—” Iruka paused, his eyes going wide. “Kotetsu, does Sasuke know? Is he here? Is he safe, Kotetsu—”

“Hey, relax,” Kotetsu held his hands up. “Sasuke doesn’t know, nobody knows except the people who were there. And me, because I saw Gai carrying Kakashi. But Sasuke doesn’t know.”

Iruka sighed, his shoulders slumping in relief. “Did you catch how long they thought Kakashi would be out for?” he asked, in what he hoped was a neutral tone. “Is he…okay?”

Kotetsu shrugged. “Didn’t ask. But it’s Kakashi, so I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” Iruka nodded slowly, biting on his lower lip hard. “Yeah, I’m sure he will…” his voice trailed off and he was silent for a few seconds, before he stood suddenly. “I gotta go.”

“Iruka, hey,” Kotetsu stood up to follow him, reaching a hand out after him. “You’ve been MIA for days, man. Are you okay?”

Iruka paused, guilt twisting in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t the only person who was sad about Lord Third, and he wasn’t the only person who lost people. He didn’t even bother to check up on all his friends. What kind of person was he?

“I…I’m taking it hard,” Iruka admitted, ducking his head. “But I’m okay. I’m doing fine.”

“I’m glad,” Kotetsu smiled a little. “We’ve worried. It’s good to see you out,”

Iruka smiled as best he could, quickly excusing himself and making a beeline directly for the hospital. The guilt he’d felt earlier talking to Kotetsu was growing heavier and more present the more he thought about the situation. The last time he spoke with Kakashi they had fought, and Iruka had all but blamed him for the Hokage’s death. He’d yelled, he’d told Kakashi to fuck off, when all Kakashi had come after him to do was make sure he was okay.

He didn’t have to look too hard to find Kakashi in the hospital, and thankfully, his room was empty when Iruka arrived. Iruka slipped inside and leaned his back against the shut door, hesitant to get close enough to really see Kakashi. He remained in the doorway for several long moments, eventually shaking his head and cursing himself under his breath.

“Don’t be fucking stupid,” he muttered, pushing himself off the door and walking closer. He stood directly next to Kakashi’s bed, looking down at his prone, unresponsive form. Seeing a Kakashi that was completely unconscious, unable to defend himself made Iruka feel slightly sick. Iruka sighed heavily, sinking into the chair by the head of the bed, resting his chin on his hand as he stared at Kakashi.

“God, Kakashi,” Iruka huffed, managing a small, rueful smile. “Just when I was thinking about getting close to apologizing, you go and get your ass handed to you? Anyone ever tell you that your timing sucks?”

Iruka nearly jumped out of his skin when the door opened, scooting the chair away from Kakashi’s bed and standing up quickly.

“Oh, Umino-sensei,” the medic nin paused in the doorway. “Visiting hours are over for the day,”

Iruka winced. He’d bypassed the front desk completely, as most shinobi were wont to do when their friends and comrades were injured. Iruka couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually paid any attention to visiting hours. “Right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she smiled reassuringly, moving into the room to check on Kakashi. “I understand. It’s good that he has someone here. Talking to him is supposed to help,”

Iruka flushed a little, the urge to protest that they weren’t really that close, and he wouldn’t be staying long dying on the tip of his tongue as what the medic said processed in his mind.

“Wait…how long has he been out?”

Her eyes widened a little and she paused, glancing down at Kakashi’s chart quickly before back up to Iruka. “Umino-sensei…he’ll be out for a while,”

Iruka’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean? What’s wrong with him?”

She sighed softly, shaking her head a little. “He’s in a coma, Umino-sensei. We don’t yet know the cause—unfortunately, it was caused by something done by Sharingan-based genjutsu, which we have very limited resources on. He’ll probably be in this condition for some time.”

Iruka felt like the bottom of his stomach had dropped out.

“A coma..?” he asked weakly, sinking back down into the chair. Already his mind was racing—if Kakashi was in a Sharingan-induced coma, it wasn’t a reach to assume he could still be under genjutsu. Which meant that no matter how peaceful he looked, he could be suffering unspeakable things in his mind. Iruka never knew Itachi, but from everything he knew about him, he didn’t want to think about what kind of horrific things Itachi’s brain could come up with.

He vaguely acknowledged the medic nin saying a few more things, about how they were working hard to find a treatment, and she was sure he’d be okay. He nodded without really thinking about it, staring blankly at the floor as she left the room. First Orochimaru, now Itachi Uchiha? Not only that, but they had managed to take out Lord Third and then Kakashi pretty much back-to-back. What was happening in Konoha?

Iruka stood, leaving the hospital and making his way towards his apartment. No matter how you pitched it, Konoha was approaching its most vulnerable. They were freshly leaderless, still recovering from a recent invasion, and now one of their strongest soldiers was incapacitated. Of course, Kakashi wasn’t the only strong shinobi in the village, that was ridiculous. But he was a famous name, and the news of his coma spreading would likely only increase the number of opportunistic attacks.

He got about halfway to his apartment before stopping in his tracks. He hadn’t been out in several days, and he hadn’t seen his friends (save for Kotetsu earlier today) in that entire time. He was depressed, he was lonely, and it wouldn’t get better if he just kept hiding in his house. He took a sharp turn, heading deeper into town towards the bar that most shinobi frequent. He knew there was a high probability that he would run into at least one of his friends there.

He was correct; no sooner did he walk through the door than he heard his name called from across the room. He looked up to follow the sound of the voice, catching the surprised but delighted eye of Izumo, who waved him over happily.

He sat down at the corner of the table, accepting the drink he was passed and offering Izumo a small smile. They were joined within minutes by Kotetsu, who thumped Iruka on the back jovially before sliding into the seat next to Izumo.

“Twice in one day, you really must be feeling better!” Kotetsu grinned, leaning back in his chair. “Though I gotta say, you didn’t look so good this afternoon.”

“This afternoon?” Izumo frowned slightly. “You didn’t say you ran into Iruka this afternoon.”

Kotetsu waved his hand dismissively, shrugging. “I’m mentioning it now. Anyway, Iruka, glad you’re back among us, you looked like you were gonna pass out when we were talking about Hatake earlier.”

Iruka grunted noncommittally, taking a long drink in lieu of answering.

“What?” Izumo’s brows furrowed. “What about him?”

“Coma,” Iruka muttered, staring into his drink. “The medics don’t know how to wake him up.”

There was silence around the table for several long moments, Izumo and Kotetsu sharing a glance between them quickly.

“I, uh. Didn’t hear that much,” Kotetsu mumbled, sinking in his seat a little. “You okay, Iruka?”

Iruka finally looked up, confusion written all over his face. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Kotetsu let out a noise on a huff of air, struggling to find words for a while before looking over at Izumo helplessly.

“Uh, well. You…seemed upset about it, is all. Y’know, this on top of everything else that’s been going on…” Izumo shrugged. “Y’know. You and Kakashi have been kind of…”

“Kind of _what_ , Izumo?” Iruka challenged, downing the rest of his drink with a sigh.

Izumo raised his hands in a gesture of surrender, leaning back against his chair. “I’m just saying, you guys have…history,”

Iruka snorted, rolling his eyes. He was entirely ready to let the subject drop, but Kotetsu cut in.

“Give it up, ‘Zumo. He’s not gonna admit to anything and you know it.”

Iruka’s eyes narrowed in a suspicious glare that he passed between his two companions. “What’s that supposed to mean? What am I supposed to admit to?”

Kotetsu was smirking, Izumo looked a little guilty.

“You just…I dunno, the way things have been going with Kakashi, in public at least, it’s pretty clear that there’s some…emotions attached.” Izumo broached the topic hesitantly.

“Right, yeah,” Iruka responded in a deadpan tone. “He pisses me off, is that an emotion?”

“Iruka, you think we’re blind?” Kotetsu laughed. “You didn’t end up wearing a neck bandage for three days because you were pissed off,”

“Shut up,” Iruka hissed, his cheeks flushing dark red. “That was—it doesn’t matter. Did you miss every other time we speak, how it turns into a shouting match?”

Kotetsu waved him off. “Yeah, yeah, nobody could miss that. But c’mon, Iruka, how long have we known you? You can’t lie to us like this.”

“I don’t know what exactly you think I’m lying about,” Iruka muttered.

“You, covering all your emotions with anger.” Kotetsu said plainly.

“ _What?_ ” Iruka gaped, looking between the two of them in shock. “What do you—”

“Iruka,” Kotetsu sighed. “You’re a classic case of fear of intimacy. It’s not surprising, a lot of shinobi are,”

“I’m not afraid of intimacy!” Iruka huffed impatiently as Kotetsu and Izumo just stared at him disbelievingly. “I’m _not_. I’ve been intimate with people before,”

“God, Mizuki doesn’t count as intimacy, he was a recurring work hookup,” Izumo finally chimed in, wrinkling his nose.

“Doesn’t count as—" Iruka cut himself off, clearly frustrated. “Izumo, do I need to draw you a diagram of what happens during a hookup?”

“Don’t be crude,” Izumo said coolly as he fixed Iruka with a hard stare, stirring his drink slowly as he spoke. “Iruka, I’m not talking _physical_. We’re all well aware of your…proclivities there,”

Iruka flushed dark red, averting his eyes as Izumo continued.

“I’m talking _emotional_. Look, for one of the kindest, most companionable big-brother types this village has to offer, you’re one closed-off motherfucker,” Izumo shrugged as Kotetsu nodded. “I get it, you know? A lot of us do. It’s hard to let people get close when you know they could be gone any day. But Iruka—”

“I didn’t come here to be psychoanalyzed,” Iruka cut him off, his hand clenched into a fist in his lap. “Whatever emotional problems you _think_ I have—”

“Hey, we’re not trying to make you mad,” Kotetsu’s voice was softer. “Look, man…we’re your friends. This whole—whatever it is, with Hatake—it’s pretty clear to us, at least, that something’s going on. And Izumo and I, we just…we just wanna help. We just wanna be here for you.”

Iruka frowned, folding his arms over his chest. He was aware that he was sulking, but he thought he more than earned the right to.

“And hey—” Izumo spoke up. “All these hypothetical feelings aside, you’re worried about him now. Right?”

Iruka groaned softly, his face twisting up briefly before he sighed heavily, nodding.

“I am. I’m worried he won’t—that they won’t be able to help him.” He paused, feeling his cheeks heat up. “But I—it’s not like that, I’d be worried about anybody in that situation, a-and the village is vulnerable right now, especially without him, and—”

“Iruka, relax,” Kotetsu laughed. “We’re not gonna jump down your throat about it. We said our bit.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Iruka huffed, all but pouting as he slouched further down in his seat. They were wrong. There were no _feelings_ between Kakashi and him—the thought of it alone was ridiculous. They were just…well shit, what were they? Friends with benefits, who hated each other on the side? That isn’t a thing.

Izumo and Kotetsu had, mercifully, moved on to another topic of conversation. But Iruka wasn’t listening, too preoccupied with thoughts of Kakashi, and what exactly their interactions added up to. What their…relationship even was. They were at odds more often than not, but even still…when they stopped taking potshots at each other and actually took the time to talk, they connected. Kakashi wasn’t so bad, when he wasn’t deliberately trying to wind Iruka up. And, after all, he did go out of his way to find Iruka after the funeral. And he did _try_ to offer comfort, in the same socially inept way Kakashi did anything. And, as much as Iruka would blush to admit it, he’d had more than one dream heavily featuring the way Kakashi’s gaze burned into his as he licked his own cum off of Iruka’s fingers. Iruka hadn’t had much time to think about it the first time…but Kakashi was, admittedly, gorgeous. Maybe it was just because he spent so much of his life with his entire face covered that he seemed more attractive barefaced by comparison…or maybe he was just a beautiful bastard. Iruka wasn’t sure he’d ever know the answer, but either way, he was attracted to Kakashi an unfortunate amount.

Physically, that is. There were no _feelings_. Of course there weren’t.

“…Iruka?”

“Huh?” Iruka’s eyes slid back into focus as his gaze snapped up to Izumo, who was frowning slightly in concern.

“You’ve been spacing out for like…twenty minutes,” Kotetsu laughed. “I think it’s time to call it a night.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

The three threw down some money to pay their tab, said their goodnights, and headed their separate ways to their respective apartments. Iruka pushed his headband and hairtie off, tossing them onto his bedside table and collapsing onto his bed with a sigh. With everything he’d thought about Kakashi this evening, he’d somehow managed to completely avoid the elephant in the room, even when only talking to himself.

He was deeply, truly worried for Kakashi. And on top of that, he was riddled with guilt for how he handled their last interaction. He was angry, confused, and grieving; and he took it out on Kakashi, who was probably hurting just as much as Iruka was. He’d ended up saying some pretty nasty stuff, nasty enough that he knew he should have apologized sooner. He didn’t regret his words until he was presented with the possibility that he may never get to say anything else.

Iruka shook his head violently. No, _no_. He couldn’t think like that. No jutsu was infallible, and the Konoha medics were unparalleled. Kakashi would be fine, in time. Maybe. Probably. Hopefully.

Iruka groaned, crossing his arms over his eyes. He damn well better wake up. Iruka wasn’t going to have one of his few regrets in his life be over Kakashi goddamn Hatake. That boost to his ego would make him insufferable.

That thought left Iruka with the tiniest, fond smile on his face as he drifted off into restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for continuing to comment, your responses make my day so much. I love hearing you guys' thoughts, and I'm so glad y'all have been liking my story! <3


	6. Chapter 6

When Naruto returned to the village (when had he even left? Iruka should have known, how wrapped up in himself _was_ he these past few days?) he returned with the hurricane that was Tsunade Senju. The rumors started flying immediately, the biggest one stating that she was brought here to be the fifth Hokage. Iruka honestly could not find arguments against it, she was one of the legendary Sannin, the most revered battle medic in Konoha history, and possibly the most powerful Kunoichi in the Land of Fire. Iruka was ready to welcome her back to the village.

But first, more interestingly, there was the rumor that Naruto had dragged her directly from the village gates to the hospital, called her “granny”, and demanded that she heal his friends. And she _listened_. Iruka couldn’t contain his laughter when he was told, shaking his head gently. That kid really was something else.

It wasn’t until halfway through his day that he realized that Kakashi _must_ have been one of those that she healed. His heart leapt at the thought, and he found himself incredibly restless and fidgety for the rest of his lesson. He had some time between school and his mission desk shift, and while he usually would use that time for dinner, this was a little more important.

He made his way directly to the hospital, following the typical practice of bypassing the front desk to go directly to Kakashi’s room, stopping short in the doorway when he saw that Kakashi still appeared to be asleep. He froze, feeling suddenly _incredibly_ awkward. Maybe Kakashi couldn’t be woken up. And even if he was, surely Iruka wasn’t on the list of people he wanted to see after spending days in a coma. After all, Iruka was the one who’d told Kakashi to fuck off.

He stepped forward silently, moving closer to Kakashi’s bedside, looking down at him. He couldn’t imagine that after a coma that someone would want more sleep, but whatever genjutsu Kakashi was under was probably exhausting. Kakashi clearly still needed time to recover.

Iruka had just about convinced himself to leave, to try and talk to Kakashi later, when Kakashi’s right eye snapped open to look directly at him.

“Shit,” Iruka jumped, his face flushing pink. “I mean, uh—hi. I, uh—"

“Iruka?” Kakashi’s visible eye went uncharacteristically large. “You…came looking for me?”

“I didn’t—One of my students got injured today, I was coming to see her, and I just…saw you when I was passing by, I wasn’t _looking_ for you, I didn’t even know you were here, I—"

“Hey, Iruka,” Kakashi cut off Iruka’s rambling with a slow, lazy grin. “You… _suck_ at lying, you know that?”

Iruka’s jaw fell slack and his cheeks burned, and he sputtered for a few seconds in vain before turning away from Kakashi. “I—If you’re well enough to be an ass, I guess I don’t need to worry!”

Iruka stiffened as the gravity of his own words sunk in, mentally cursing himself for the slip. Sure, it may have been obvious that he worried for Kakashi, but he didn’t have to go and say it out loud.  He was never gonna hear the end of this.

He jumped slightly when he felt fingers on his arm, gently tugging at his sleeve. Kakashi’s hand fell back against the bed once Iruka turned, and his smile had softened considerably. Iruka’s shoulders relaxed and he stepped back toward the bed, raising an eyebrow and waiting for Kakashi to speak.

“Thanks,” Kakashi murmured. “For coming to see me. It’s…nice to see you,”

Iruka’s eyes widened, and he was pretty certain at this point he may never stop blushing. The last thing he expected from Kakashi was this kind of…gentleness. Sure, Iruka had spent a fair amount of time recently thinking about his…friendship with Kakashi. And sure, despite their frequent arguments, he found that he really did respect Kakashi, and appreciate the semblance of a rapport they had come to have between each other. But even so, the moments like this, when their walls were down were still few and far between. Each and every one of these moments left Iruka feeling off-balance and awkward.

“Yeah,” he muttered, rubbing at his scar and avoiding Kakashi’s eye. “I’m glad you’re okay, and all,”

“Honestly, I think ‘okay’ is still a little farther down the road,” Kakashi mumbled, scrubbing at his eye with the heel of his palm. “But it’s good to be awake. That kid’s gotten stronger than I remember.”

“You mean Itachi?” Iruka asked, his voice quiet. “Kakashi, what did he…what happened to you?”

Kakashi paused for a moment, his gaze shifting away as he pulled his sheet back over his face. “You…don’t wanna know.”

“I do,” Iruka insisted, reaching out to put his hand over Kakashi’s where it rested on the bed. He stayed there until Kakashi looked back at him, raising his eyebrow. “Tell me what he did to you.”

Kakashi sighed heavily, but didn’t move his hand away from Iruka’s.

“It felt like days. It apparently only took an instant, but…three days. Each second took an eternity. It was just me, hanging with my arms and legs restrained…and Itachi, with a blade.”

Iruka swallowed thickly, but didn’t move or look away. He was right about one thing, at least: his guess that Itachi’s genjutsu prowess was only amplified by his sadistic streak seemed to be true enough.

“It seemed to just…go on forever. Copies of me, and copies of him in this endless void. Me, restrained, and him, stabbing me. He never said anything…except…”

Kakashi trailed off, and Iruka leaned closer. “Except what?” he breathed.

“He’d count the seconds,” Kakashi grit out. “But each second—was at least ten more copies, and ten more stabbings. He counted three days, it felt like years. Just me, a black and white void, pain…and his _voice_.”

Iruka realized then that Kakashi was gripping his hand tightly. He adjusted his hand, sliding his fingers in between Kakashi’s and squeezing back gently. Iruka had his fair share of experience being put under genjutsu, each a little more scarring than the last. He couldn’t imagine living through days upon days of extended torture, where time itself was at the whim of your captor. It’s no wonder, really, that Kakashi was comatose for so long.

“You made it, though,” Iruka murmured, running his thumb along Kakashi’s gently in an unconscious gesture of comfort. “You made it out of the genjutsu and—and you woke up, and you’re gonna be fine.”

Kakashi paused, glancing down at their linked hands briefly before back up to Iruka’s face.

“You know, Sensei, if I didn’t know better I might say you actually cared,” he teased. His tone was light, but his voice was low and hoarse. He was clearly exhausted.

Iruka flushed pink, pulling his hand away and folding his arms across his chest. “Yeah, well…don’t let it go to your head, Hatake,” he muttered. “Once you’re back to full strength, I won’t let you off the hook so easily.”

Kakashi laughed softly, and Iruka knew he was smirking under his sheet. “Barely off of my death bed, and I’m already in hot water?”

“Can’t take what you dish out?” Iruka grinned.

“Maybe not for a few more days,” Kakashi admitted. “I may be too tired to argue for once.”

Iruka bit down on his lower lip, looking down at his lap quickly. He still felt twinges of guilt about how their last conversation went down, but didn’t know how to bring it up now that he was here with Kakashi. He didn’t want to ruin the lighter mood they finally managed to keep up by bringing up the shitty things he said.

“Still tired, after spending days in a coma? Losing your touch?” he teased.

“Give me a break, this coma was the most sleep I’ve gotten in years.”

Iruka laughed softly, shaking his head. “Yeah, I hear that,” he murmured. “I guess I should let you rest.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi’s eye followed Iruka as he stood. “I’ll see you around, Sensei.”

Iruka paused at the doorway, turning back to shoot Kakashi a grin. “Get back in the game soon. I haven’t threatened your life in the mission room in weeks, the other Jonin might think I’m getting soft.”

Kakashi laughed, his eye crinkling up as he grinned under his sheet.

“I’ll do my best.”

___

Despite the conversation they had in Kakashi’s hospital room, the first time Iruka saw Kakashi since he left the hospital wasn’t at the mission desk. It wasn’t at work at all, in fact. Iruka had stopped to run some errands on the way home from school, lost in thought about just how much grading he actually needed to get done that day, when he felt someone drop down beside him on the street.

Iruka glanced beside him, raising an eyebrow when he saw Kakashi fall into step next to him.

“Yo,”

“Hi,” Iruka answered, shooting Kakashi a bemused glance. “What’cha doin’?”

“Nothing much,” Kakashi shrugged a shoulder. “You?”

“About the same, I guess,” Iruka laughed just a little, clearly confused. “Did you want something?”

“Not really,” Kakashi answered nonchalantly. “Just saw you when I was walking, thought I’d say hello.”

“Right, okay,” Iruka laughed again, shaking his head a little. “How long have you been out of the hospital? You active duty again?”

“About a week or so,” Kakashi responded. “I’ve been on a mission or two with the kids.”

“Nice. Glad to have you back,” Iruka meant it, not seeing Kakashi around in the mission room had been kind of depressing. “How is your team doing, anyway?”

“They’re coming along,” Kakashi paused. “Naruto’s learning a lot, from Jiraiya…And they spent about four days trying to unmask me.”

Iruka raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Oh? What was their strategy?”

“Oh, they had a few…none of them were very successful.”

Iruka grinned. “I wanna hear about all of them.”

Kakashi rolled his eye. “You’re just smug because you’ve seen my face,”

“Yeah, and they better not have had even _close_ to the same strategy I did.”

Kakashi barked out a loud laugh. “No, I think I would have started the story very differently if they had.”

“So, tell me.” Iruka paused his walking when he realized Kakashi stopped, turning back to face him. “What?”

“Have you eaten, Sensei?”

Iruka’s brow wrinkled in confusion. That was out of the blue. “Uh…no? Why?”

“Neither have I,” Kakashi shrugged. “I figured…if we’re going to be swapping kid stories for a while, we might as well eat.”

Iruka paused, considering Kakashi’s offer. He didn’t have anything to do this evening, and it had been a while since he’d taken any kind of break or treated himself to a meal out. That, and he was dying to know what Team 7 had gotten up to when trying to see Kakashi’s face. Knowing those kids as long as he did, he was willing to bet that they didn’t go halfway.

“Sure,” Iruka shrugged. It couldn’t hurt, after all. “But the story better really be good.”

“Would I let you down?” Kakashi asked.

Iruka just stared, one eyebrow raised, for several seconds.

“Okay, maybe don’t answer that,”

Iruka snickered, falling back into step with Kakashi as they made their way to the familiar ramen stand. Iruka felt a small smile tugging at his lips as he walked inside, making a mental promise to himself to take Naruto here again the next time he saw him. It really had been too long.

“Ironically enough, I think their plan started here,” Kakashi mused, sliding onto a stool next to Iruka.

“Here?” Iruka asked. “Don’t tell me they thought they could catch you eating.” It was an established fact among shinobi that eating with Kakashi did not in any way guarantee seeing his face. Kakashi’s ability to get his mask down, eat a bite of food, and pull his mask up again in the blink of an eye was the stuff of local legend.

“I guess they did,” Kakashi shrugged, clearly smug. “To be honest, I was concerned they were trying to pull a much more destructive prank when they offered to treat me to lunch.”

“A fair assumption,” Iruka nodded solemnly. “Poor kids. Buying you lunch for nothing.”

“Or, buying me lunch to show appreciation for their sensei, who works very hard and does a good job.” Kakashi sniffed.

“Right. Sure,” Iruka scoffed. “Just tell me what strategy two was.”

“They tailed me for a while,” Kakashi shrugged. “I was onto them the whole time but I figured it was good practice. They were dismal at it. I should work on it with them.”

Iruka shook his head gently as their food was brought out to them, taking a pair of chopsticks and pausing for a moment. He wondered if Kakashi would still keep his mask up while eating with him. He assumed he would, they were still in public, after all.

“Then we went on a mission, just a d-rank to do some manual labor on a farm,” Kakashi grabbed a set of chopsticks, glancing at their surroundings surreptitiously before sliding his mask down to take a bite. If he saw Iruka’s eyes widen, he didn’t mention it. “As soon as we left the village, we were being tailed.”

“Tailed?” Iruka asked. “By who?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Kakashi answered. “They said they had a grudge against me, but I don’t remember them.”

“I suppose you don’t have a shortage of people with grudges against you,” Iruka murmured.

“Nope. But they…went about their revenge so…weird,” Kakashi shook his head a little, like he was still trying to wrap his brain around the whole thing. “They were constantly trying to poison me, the kids were trying to spill things on me or trick me into unmasking in a hot spring…like I never thought of that.”

“Of course you stay masked in hot springs,” Iruka rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what I expected.”

“I do when I’m around most people, yes,” Kakashi grinned. “Anyway, once we got to the farm, the kids somehow got the guys’ uniforms—I don’t know how or where—and played at attacking me. The other guys came out to attack me then, too, and I took care of it.”

Iruka paused with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth, processing the story. It was a lot, especially for a d-rank mission.

“Wait,” Iruka put his chopsticks down, reaching for his drink instead. “How did you figure out that their goal was to see your face, though?”

“Well, I had my suspicions the whole time,” Kakashi shrugged. “But on the way home they just…asked.”

Iruka chuckled. “Most people overlook the most direct strategy, don’t they?”

“They do. Anyway, I asked if they wanted to see, and they said yes.”

Iruka’s eyes widened a little. “Did you show them?”

Kakashi pulled his mask back on, but not before Iruka saw the shit-eating grin he sported underneath. “I’ll show you exactly what I showed them, if you want,”

“The suspense is killing me,” Iruka murmured sarcastically, pausing to take a drink of his water.

“Well, I showed them that under my mask was…another mask!”

Iruka snorted loudly, clapping his hand over his mouth in an effort not to spit his water all over the counter. He managed to swallow his drink with some effort, laughing so hard he had to hold onto the counter for support.

“Holy shit,” he managed, still laughing weakly. “Oh, I would pay so much money to be able to see the looks on their faces when you…when you pulled it down and it was just the same thing, that’s _hilarious_ ,”

“Well I’m glad you appreciated it, they didn’t seem to think so.” Kakashi grinned.

“After they spent so much time trying to see…holy _fuck_ , Kakashi, that’s so cruel but so goddamn funny,”

“Well, someone’s gotta teach them not to be nosey.”

“Fair point,” Iruka grinned, wiping at the tears that had gathered in the corner of his eyes from how hard he laughed. “It’s for the best for them, anyway. Not much to look at under there, after all.”

“Hey,” Kakashi’s eye narrowed. “I haven’t heard you complaining.”

Iruka flushed pink. “Maybe it’s out of pity.”

“Like you’d ever,” Kakashi smirked.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t,” Iruka admitted begrudgingly. “It’s not a bad face, all things considered.”

“Thanks, I worked hard on it,” Kakashi chuckled.

“Why _do_ you keep it covered, anyway?” Iruka asked curiously, leaning closer. “You’ve done it forever, why did you start?”

Kakashi shrugged. “Maa, I can’t be giving away all my secrets to you, Sensei.”

Iruka sighed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, fair enough.”

The two fell into a comfortable silence for the next few minutes, both of them finishing their food and paying before heading out towards their respective homes.

“I don’t mean to alarm you, Sensei,” Kakashi began, shooting Iruka a sideways glance. “But we just had an entire evening together, and didn’t argue once.”

“I suppose we did,” Iruka agreed, meeting Kakashi’s eye. “I mean…we can change that, if you want to,”

Kakashi laughed. “You want to argue just for the sake of arguing?”

“Nah, consider yourself still in your post-hospital grace period,” Iruka teased, nudging Kakashi with his elbow. “But I’ll admit, this has been better for my stress levels than how we usually talk.”

Kakashi nodded. “I agree,” They paused at a cross street, Kakashi bringing an arm up to rub at the back of his neck. “I, uh. I go this way.”

“Right,” Iruka glanced behind himself quickly, towards his way home. “I’m the other way.”

Kakashi smiled, shoving his hands into his pants pockets. His usual awkwardness was showing its face again, and Iruka couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t feeling the same. He had fun spending time with Kakashi, and that gave him pause. It had been a really long time since they’d had any kid of disagreement. Now, granted, part of that was because Kakashi spent a lot of that time being comatose, and Iruka found an unconscious Kakashi to be quite agreeable. But lately, it seems that conscious Kakashi is equally agreeable. The two of them seemed to have a comfortable back-and-forth, and if Iruka was totally honest, Kakashi was easy to talk to. He didn’t beat around the bush or mince words, and Iruka appreciated that. He also had a sense of humor that Iruka didn’t expect, and he was pleasantly surprised.

“Cool. Catch you around.”

Kakashi shot Iruka a two-finger salute, before turning and disappearing towards his apartment. Iruka shook his head a little, turning back toward his street and heading home much more slowly. If Izumo and Kotetsu were here, he knew what they’d say. They’d tease him about _feelings_ again, just because he managed to share a meal with Kakashi without them ending up at each other’s throats. Big deal, he’d gone to dinner with lots of people. There was nothing different about this time.

Except for the fact that it was Kakashi. He just went out with Kakashi, for no other reason than to talk.

Iruka stopped dead in his tracks, his entire face flushing red.

He just went on a fucking _date_ with Kakashi. He groaned, shaking his head before resuming his trip home. If Izumo and Kotetsu ever found out, they’d have a field day. Hopefully he would be better at keeping this secret than he was when he hooked up with Kakashi the first time.

___

As much as Iruka would deny it if asked, He’d been spending a fair amount of time with Kakashi. Stranger yet, he’d been enjoying it. Iruka ended up tagging along to dinners with all of Team 7 several times in recent memory, as well as seeming to run into Kakashi when he was out running errands or seeing friends much more regularly than he used to. And, while they still did bicker both in and out of the mission room, it never got much farther than Iruka raising his voice. He threw a report back at Kakashi only once, and the altercation ended there.

Well, truly, the altercation ended with Iruka pressed up against a tree in the surrounding forest, with Kakashi’s mouth wrapped around his dick in lieu of an apology. But nobody needed to know that but them.

If anyone else noticed that Kakashi only seemed to arrive to torment Iruka at the very end of his shift, they certainly hadn’t mentioned it.

Currently, Iruka found himself out at a bar with both his mission desk and academy coworkers, already several drinks in and feeling more happy and relaxed than he had in a considerable amount of time. He didn’t really notice just how tipsy he truly was until he was making his way back to his table from the bathroom. He was still thinking clearly, he swore he was, it was just taking slightly more effort to focus on walking than usual. He took a pause by the bar, blinking rapidly in tipsy surprise when he saw a familiar shock of bright silver hair. Kakashi was here? He didn’t come say hello. That was kind of rude.

Iruka was about to turn away from Kakashi, return to his friends, when he noticed something odd. Kakashi had been sitting alone at the bar, and that wasn’t odd. That was pretty par for the course for Kakashi. But someone else was talking to him, he moved from across the bar to sit next to him. Iruka frowned, trying to place the other man’s face. He had seen him before, probably in the mission room. But he had no idea what his name was. But there he was, moving to sit on the stool next to Kakashi’s. And leaning in closer. And raising an eyebrow, and smirking a little—

Iruka’s eyes widened, and his jaw went a little slack. Kakashi was getting _hit on_. He scowled, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene. That wasn’t right. That wasn’t right at all. He pushed himself off of the table he’d ended up leaning on, making his way up to the bar, landing less-than-gracefully on the barstool on Kakashi’s other side.

“Hey,” Iruka spoke, addressing Kakashi directly, as if he hadn’t seen the man who had been previously speaking to him. “You—”

“Hey, do you mind, Umino?” The other man spoke, loudly cutting Iruka off. Maybe his name was…Hikaru? No, that definitely wasn’t right.

“No, not really,” Iruka answered, turning to fix the other man with a hard stare. “How about you, Kakashi, you mind?”

Kakashi’s visible eye widened as he glanced between the two, letting out a small, surprised huff of laughter. “No, I don’t think I do,” he murmured, his intention clear.

Not-Hikaru stared in stunned silence for a few seconds, before shutting his mouth sharply, and turning to leave the bar. Iruka snorted in laughter, leaning back against the bar to watch him go with a lazy, smug grin.

Kakashi turned to Iruka with a raised brow, looking him up and down quickly. “Real subtle there, Sensei,” he murmured. “How much have you had tonight?”

“Whatever, doesn’t matter,” Iruka wrinkled his nose, waving his hand dismissively. “Are you coming with me, or not, Hatake?”

Kakashi threw back the rest of his drink, setting his empty glass down with a decisive thump. “Lead the way.”

Iruka grinned, grabbing the front of Kakashi’s vest and tugging him back toward the bar bathroom, finding it mercifully empty as he maneuvered the two of them into a stall. He’d barely gotten the two of them inside with the door locked before he had Kakashi pressed up against the stall door, tugging his mask aside to gain access to his neck.

Kakashi huffed out a breath, wrapping his arms around Iruka’s waist, pulling him closer as Iruka sucked a mark into his throat.

“Never would have guessed you were a horny drunk,” Kakashi teased, gasping sharply when Iruka pulled his shirt collar aside to bite at his collarbone.

“Glad you get to find out?” Iruka retorted, pulling back far enough to smirk at Kakashi. “Whoever the hell that guy was probably isn’t nearly as fun,”

“Mh, you’re probably right, but—ah, fuck—you didn’t have to be so rude,” Kakashi managed, grunting softly as hands in his hair pulled his head roughly to the side.

Iruka snorted, pressing Kakashi’s back against the stall door with his entire body, biting at Kakashi’s earlobe before answering. “What? I was just saving you the awkwardness of turning him down,”

“Awful sure of yourself,” Kakashi snorted, raising an eyebrow.

“What?”

Iruka’s fingers loosened their hold on Kakashi’s hair and Kakashi turned back, meeting Iruka’s gaze.

“Well, I dunno…maybe I wanted to go home with him, hm?”

Kakashi would have been blind to miss the flash of _hurt_ behind Iruka’s eyes. But it was gone in an instant, replaced by cool, collected rage. It wasn’t Iruka’s usual, and it chilled Kakashi to his core.

“Fine,” Iruka said, coolly. “Go back for him, then. I’m sure he’s waiting,” he stepped back, separating their bodies.

“Iruka, holy shit, I was teasing,” Kakashi smirked, almost laughing as he reached for Iruka’s arm, intent on pulling him close again. “Do I really make you that jealous?”

The slapping sound reverberated loudly in the cramped, dingy bathroom, and suddenly Kakashi was staring at the stall wall. He turned back quickly, quick enough to catch the shock written all over Iruka’s face. He froze, his face hardening into mortified anger as he anticipated the retaliation Kakashi was far too stunned to give.

“Fuck you,” Iruka spat with a shaky voice, shoving at Kakashi’s shoulder in an effort to get past him. “Fuck you, let me out,”

“Iruka—”

“ _Fuck_ you, Kakashi!” Iruka yelled, elbowing him aside harshly and disappearing out into the bar. Kakashi scrambled to get his mask and pants back into their proper places to follow, but Iruka was long gone. Kakashi swore under his breath, slumping against the nearest wall.

Iruka tore out of the bar like his ass was on fire, stopping several streets away to lean against a streetlamp post to catch his breath. His head was spinning with the combination of being drunker than he thought, and also emotionally distressed. Jealous. He was _jealous_. The thought of Kakashi going home with someone else made Iruka angry, and upset, and god dammit jealousy meant _feelings_. Iruka didn’t have _feelings_. Kakashi didn’t have _feelings_. This was a _feelings_ -free arrangement.

Iruka groaned weakly, dragging his hands down his face slowly as he slumped to the ground. He was dimly aware of the fact that he was sloppily drunk and sitting on the street, but he couldn’t exactly bring himself to care. He’d gotten so jealous over the thought of Kakashi going home with someone else, and then as soon as he was called out on it, what did he do? He _slapped_ Kakashi. Slapped him, and ran away. Even his _drunk_ mind knew that he fucked this up.

He let out another weak noise, letting his head fall back and hit the streetlamp as he stared into the black sky. Why couldn’t he do anything right? When he and Kakashi were mad at each other, he fucked it up by sleeping with him. Now that he and Kakashi were starting to be friendly, he had to fuck it up by being a drunken, over-reacting mess of a person. Sure, Kakashi had forgiven him the last…several times Iruka had let his anger get the better of him. But nobody was going to be willing to just keep on forgiving time and time again, they shouldn’t have to. If Kakashi didn’t come back, Iruka wouldn’t really have anything to blame but himself.

Iruka dragged himself back into a standing position, doing his best to ignore the uncomfortable churning of his stomach as he slowly made his way back home. He’d have to find Kakashi tomorrow and apologize. This time, he wouldn’t just be able to hope he and Kakashi could sweep it under the proverbial rug.

Iruka landed hard onto his bed, too exhausted and drunk to even change out of his uniform. He ended up drifting off into an uneasy sleep, with his headband pressing uncomfortably into his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoof, this chapter was a doozy to write. I think it may be the longest one yet. I'm really almost overwhelmed by the positive response this story is getting, but it keeps me super motivated to write! I'm glad you guys are liking it so much <3


	7. Chapter 7

When Iruka awoke the next morning, his headband had slid down his face and had probably left an indentation on his cheek in the shape of the leaf insignia. He’d fallen asleep on his left arm and it had completely lost feeling. He’d drooled a stain into his pillow, and somehow his uniform had gotten twisted around his torso uncomfortably.

Iruka sat up slowly, pushing his headband off and squinting at the sunlight from his window. Everything felt fuzzy in his mind, and his tongue felt like he’d been chewing sand all last night. This was a good reminder on why he didn’t usually drink that much.

He stumbled out of bed, pulling his uniform off and all but falling into the shower. He stood under the scalding water until it started to run cold, starting to feel like he might yet still have a functioning brain, no matter how hard he tried to sabotage himself last night.

It wasn’t until after he’d pulled on his standard blacks and shoved his damp hair into a messy bun that he started remembering why it was that he’d had a rough night. He’d _very_ blatantly picked Kakashi up at the bar, stopping another Jonin from doing so. So much for _that_ secret. And then, when they were making out in the bathroom stall, the same goddamn thing happened again: Kakashi teased, and Iruka overreacted. Because why would anything ever go right?

Iruka sighed heavily, starting to brew some incredibly strong coffee. He wasn’t jealous. He _wasn’t_. he and Kakashi weren’t dating, nothing about what they were doing was even remotely exclusive. He had no right to be upset if Kakashi wanted to fuck someone else, he didn’t own him. He had no right to be upset, but he _was_. The only thing that seemed to help was the fact that Kakashi was entirely willing to ditch someone else to sneak off with Iruka.

Iruka curled up on the couch with his coffee, chewing on his bottom lip. He needed to apologize to Kakashi. But doing that would require him to admit to being at least a little bit jealous. And _that_ would, at least partially, be an admission of having _feelings_.

Which he didn’t have. Naturally.

Iruka shook his head quickly. No, he was overthinking this. Kakashi was a straightforward person, he wasn’t unreasonable, really. Iruka would be able to just talk to him.

Iruka sighed again, scrubbing at his eyes with his hands. He wasn’t going to be any more ready to do this the longer he put it off. He just had to grit his teeth, straighten his spine, and swallow his pride.

He stood up with a grumble, shoving his feet into his sandals and looking hard at his vest and headband. He ultimately decided against them, not feeling up to putting his entire uniform on. This wasn’t a shop talk, anyway. After all the times Iruka acted like an ass, Kakashi kind of deserved to see hangover-Iruka.

He left his apartment, heading toward the Jonin barracks. After all the times he slipped out of Kakashi’s apartment, he remembered the number. He only loitered outside Kakashi’s door for a few minutes while gathering up the courage to knock. Once he finally did, he had to wait several more seconds before he heard any movement from inside the apartment. He panicked for a split second, debating whether or not he should immediately run. Before he even really made his decision, the door opened a crack. Kakashi was shirtless, wearing only his standard black pants and his mask. He didn’t even have his headband on.

Kakashi’s face only betrayed his surprise for a second.

“Iruka,” he greeted, his voice still rough from sleep. “To what do I owe the…this?”

“Kakashi,” Iruka mumbled, embarrassment hitting him in full force. “I, uh. I just. I—I mean…I wanted to—”

Kakashi sighed softly, his hand coming up to scratch at the back of his head sheepishly. “Okay. Do you want to come in?”

“I—yeah, okay,” Iruka felt his cheeks heat up, and he stepped inside when Kakashi moved aside.

Kakashi shut the door behind him, turning to lean against the door as he turned to Iruka. “So, what’s going on?”

Iruka hesitated for a few moments, fidgeting awkwardly under Kakashi’s gaze. “I…fuck, Kakashi. I came to apologize.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, clearly not expecting that. “To apologize.”

“Yeah,” Iruka shrunk a little, his hand coming up to scratch at his scar self-consciously. “Last night, I—I had too much to drink. Too much to be—doing any of that. A-and that’s not meant as an excuse, I still did what I did, and it was still wrong, I overreacted and you didn’t deserve—”

“Iruka,” Kakashi cut off Iruka’s meandering thoughts, holding a hand up to stop him. “It’s…okay. Really, you’re fine.”

“But I—I hit you, and freaked out,” Iruka protested.

Kakashi laughed softly. “That slap to the face—while surprising—was hardly the worst thing I ever faced,” he pointed out with a shrug. “As for the freaking out…it was well-deserved. I shouldn’t have teased.”

“You always tease,” Iruka mumbled. “I should know what to expect by now.”

“And you always react,” Kakashi retorted. “It’s not without risk that I continue to tease, Sensei,”

Iruka groaned, shaking his head a little. “Stop forgiving me so easily, dammit,”

Kakashi’s eye widened a little, and he took a step closer. “Why did you come to apologize if you don’t want to be forgiven?”

“I—I don’t know!” Iruka looked away. “I just—I keep being an asshole, and you keep being okay with it. Why?”

Kakashi shrugged. “You’ve never been more of an asshole to me than I’ve been to you. I figure we’re tit for tat.”

Iruka was silent for a while, struggling to find the words to refute what Kakashi was saying. He couldn’t deny that Kakashi had been needling him for long before he’d ever retaliated. But it seemed that Iruka always went all-in when he would lay into Kakashi. Kakashi was an annoyance, Iruka was mean. Maybe there was something to what Izumo and Kotetsu had been saying after all…Iruka would still deny the _feelings_ , but he did have a lot of anger.

“Well I…I guess,” Iruka eventually mumbled, still not entirely satisfied.

“Still, I do appreciate the apology,” Kakashi smiled a little. “I didn’t really expect it, honestly.”

Iruka rolled his eyes, huffing out an impatient breath. “Yeah, well…you don’t deserve it often.”

Kakashi snorted, his smile spreading into a grin. “There’s the Iruka I know,”

Iruka held a glare for a few seconds, relenting and giving Kakashi a begrudging smile. He did, actually, feel a little better. Even though he didn’t understand why Kakashi went so easy on him, he managed to apologize without even having to admit to any jealousy. Thought, since Kakashi was the one who pointed it out, he probably already knew. Iruka appreciated him not bringing it up again.

“By the way,” Kakashi gestured towards Iruka. “I like the new hair.”

“New—” Iruka reached a hand up to feel his head, flushing when he remembered that he left for Kakashi’s with his hair still damp and tied up in a quick bun. His hair was going to be a disaster, it probably already was. “Shut up, I’m allowed to be hangover gross,”

“If this is your hangover gross, I’m calling bullshit, that wouldn’t be fair at all. You don’t look half as bad as I do when I’m hungover.”

“Sure,” Iruka said disbelievingly.

“I mean it. I wasn’t trying to be a dick about your hair,” Kakashi laughed. “I do actually like it.”

Iruka was struck with a loss for words, opening and closing his mouth wordlessly, his cheeks and ears heating up. “Uh. Thanks, I guess,”

“Anytime,” Kakashi answered, before their conversation was cut off by the shrill whistling of Kakashi’s teakettle. “Tea?”

“Oh. Sure.”

Iruka accepted the mug of tea from Kakashi with a murmured thanks, blowing the steam away gently to try and cool it down.

“So,” Iruka gestured toward Kakashi, who has tugged his mask down to drink his tea. “You really do wear that thing to sleep, huh?”

Kakashi smirked. “You’ve been to bed with me, Sensei. You would know.”

Iruka snorted, rolling his eye. “I think I’m fair in considering that to be a special case,”

“I guess you’re right,” Kakashi shrugged. “No, I don’t wear it to sleep unless I’m on a mission. That’s part of the reason I took so long to answer the door.”

“Fair enough,” Iruka paused. “Why are you so okay with me seeing it? Your face, I mean.”

Kakashi paused, leaning against his kitchen table, his brow furrowing in thought. “I don’t know,” he said frankly. “I trust you, I guess. You’ve always been up front about…everything you ever had to say about me,” he laughed a little. “I figured you weren’t the type to be weird about it. And you haven’t been. You barely even reacted when I took it off the first time.”

“I think I was a little distracted by the circumstances,” Iruka laughed. “But I guess you’re right. I mean, I’m not sure I’ll get used to you just…hanging out without it.”

“You plan on hanging out with me enough to get used to it?”

“Maybe long enough that I no longer have to concentrate on not staring. Maybe.”

“Is there a high temptation to stare, Sensei?” Kakashi asked, grinning.

Iruka groaned, rolling his eyes. “Right, that’s what I meant,” he answered, his voice laced with sarcasm. “The real reason I don’t stare is because you’re blindingly attractive,”

“All I wanted was for you to admit it,” Kakashi winked. At least, Iruka thought he did. It was kind of hard to wink when one eye was permanently shut, but the intention was there.

“Yeah, and you better have savored that because I’m never saying it ever again,” Iruka muttered. “Nor will I ever say it seriously, for that matter.”

“That is fair enough,” Kakashi laughed softly, knocking his shoulder against Iruka’s gently. “We’ve established already that between the two of us, you’re hotter after a hangover than I am, anyway.”

Iruka looked down into his tea quickly, before glancing back up at Kakashi.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Hatake?”

“I _do_ have more to me than either trying to piss you off or trying to seduce you, you know,” Kakashi raised an eyebrow. “But if I was, would it be working?”

Iruka snorted, smirking a little. “You _really_ suck at seduction. At least you’re good at pissing me off,”

“You didn’t answer the question Sensei,”

Iruka stayed silent for several seconds, pretending to consider it hard.

“Yeah, I guess it’s working,” he admitted.

Kakashi grinned, setting his mug down and moving closer, leaning a hand on the wall by Iruka’s head. “Yeah?”

Iruka flushed, Kakashi moved so close that their noses bumped together when Iruka moved to look up at him. His fingers tightened around the mug in his hands and he worried briefly that Kakashi could hear his heartbeat as loudly as he himself could. He let out a soft sigh when Kakashi ducked his head further, kissing a path across Iruka’s neck. Iruka squirmed when he felt Kakashi’s fingers sliding under his shirt, gasping and squeaking quietly when Kakashi tickled his sides. Kakashi chuckled against his neck, running his fingers over Iruka’s side more purposefully and laughing when Iruka squawked and grabbed onto his wrist to stop him.

“Didn’t know you were ticklish,” Kakashi grinned.

“I didn’t want you to!” Iruka shook his head quickly when he caught the look in Kakashi’s eye. “No—no no no, Kakashi don’t you dare—!"

Iruka immediately fell into evasive maneuvers, twisting away from the wall to duck under Kakashi’s arm. As he expected, he wasn’t fast enough. Kakashi’s arm shot out and hooked around his waist, pulling him close so his back was flush against Kakashi’s chest, lifting him off the ground just a little.

“No, Kakashi!” Iruka’s voice rose in both pitch and volume. “I’m still holding tea, I’m gonna make a mess, let me go!”

Kakashi laughed, setting Iruka down but not releasing him from his arms. He nuzzled into the back of Iruka’s neck, still giggling softly.

Goddammit, Kakashi Hatake _giggled_. He could feel Kakashi’s breath on the back of his neck, and he was _giggling_. And it definitely wasn’t cute. Iruka didn’t think Kakashi was _cute_.

“It’s not funny,” Iruka huffed, his face flushed with both embarrassment and exertion from trying to free himself.

“It _is_ funny,” Kakashi insisted. “You worried about spilling tea…that’s adorable.”

“Shut up,” Iruka groaned, slouching back against Kakashi’s chest. “Don’t fucking tickle me.”

“I make no promises, Umino.”

Iruka wrinkled his nose, moving to squirm away again when Kakashi pressed his lips to the nape of his neck, sending a shiver down his spine. He let out a heavy breath, relaxing into Kakashi’s hold as Kakashi continued to kiss over his neck and shoulders. Iruka’s breath hitched when Kakashi scraped his teeth over the sensitive skin on the back of his neck, slipping his fingers underneath Iruka’s shirt to smooth over his stomach.

“Hey, Iruka,” Kakashi breathed, nuzzling against his ear. “You should put the tea down.”

The comment was a blatant tease, but it was spoken in such a low, suggestive tone that it made Iruka’s cheeks burn. He set the mug down on the kitchen table quickly, Kakashi loosening his hold enough for Iruka to lean over and do so before pulling him close again. Kakashi’s hand trailed up to his chest, tugging his shirt up along with it. Iruka dropped his head back onto Kakashi’s shoulder, letting out a soft moan as Kakashi bit down on the crook of Iruka’s neck.

Both men froze, tensing up when a loud banging sound came from Kakashi’s front door. They scrambled apart a second later, Iruka frantically smoothing his shirt back down to cover his stomach as Kakashi pulled his mask back up to cover his face.

Kakashi opened the door before Iruka could protest, realizing too late that a shirtless and disheveled Kakashi answering the door while an un-uniformed and messy-bun-wearing Iruka was stood in his kitchen wasn’t exactly the least conspicuous they could be. If last night’s cockblocking didn’t put them on the rumor mill’s radar, this would for sure.

Iruka’s eyes widened a little when he saw that it was an ANBU shinobi in a cat mask stood at Kakashi’s door. It must be serious, then.

“Kakashi,” whoever the shinobi behind the mask was, he and Kakashi seemed familiar with each other. Kakashi was ex-ANBU after all. Maybe they served together. “Kakashi, you need to get to the hospital.”

“The hospital?” Kakashi asked, his tone serious. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Your students are what’s wrong. Put on a shirt, and get there.” He spared a second to give Iruka a lingering glance, before turning back to Kakashi. How he managed to so accurately and wordlessly convey _“really?”_ while completely masked was lost on Iruka, and he was so impressed he forgot to be offended by the implications. He disappeared from Kakashi’s doorstep a moment before Kakashi shut the door, heading into his room and returning soon after fully dressed.

“Sorry to cut this short like this,” Kakashi murmured, pulling his sandals on. “But…”

“No, I get it,” Iruka shrugged a shoulder. “You should go. I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Thanks,” Kakashi decided to forgo his door, leaping out his window instead and heading towards the hospital.

Iruka rolled his eyes, shaking his head a little. It wasn’t exactly how he’d expected his morning to go, but when did anything between him and Kakashi go as expected? He figured he probably shouldn’t stay in Kakashi’s apartment while he wasn’t here, and besides that he was both curious and worried about what was happening at the hospital that needed Kakashi’s attention. The cat-masked ANBU agent had said that Kakashi’s students were involved, which undoubtedly meant Team 7. Sasuke was already in the hospital, maybe something went wrong with him? But he was in recovery, that wasn’t likely. Maybe something happened to Sakura or Naruto. On the walk home, he debated whether or not to go to the hospital to see for himself. If something really was wrong, he’d want to know if he could be of help. But if he could be, Kakashi probably would have asked. It must have been a time-sensitive issue, judging by the way he was summoned. He ultimately decided not to go, figuring he’d catch up with Kakashi or Naruto later to get his answers.

___

As it turned out, Iruka had to put real effort behind running into Kakashi at the end of the day. He gave up on trying to make it seem casual after a while, not even trying to hide the fact that he was looking for him. When he finally did find Kakashi, it gave him pause. He was sitting on the rooftop of his apartment building, staring, unmoving, out into space. Iruka didn’t see Kakashi like this often, whatever happened at the hospital must have been really serious.

Iruka hopped up onto the roof, landing slightly behind Kakashi in relative silence. There was no reaction from the other man, but Iruka knew that Kakashi knew he was there.

“You okay?” Iruka asked, softly. “Something happen with your team?”

Kakashi sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping a little further than usual. “Sasuke and Naruto decided to settle their differences on the hospital roof,” he murmured, clearly exhausted. “And figured that their most dangerous and deadly techniques were the most appropriate way to do so.”

Iruka raised an eyebrow, moving to sit beside Kakashi on the roof edge. “Are they all okay?”

“No one’s hurt, if that’s what you mean,” Kakashi paused. “The hospital may be suffering from a water shortage.”

“That’s…not the worst that could have happened, at least,” Iruka offered. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know what to do with them,” Kakashi muttered, shaking his head gently. “Sasuke…I see too much of myself in him.”

Iruka looked down at his hands, not sure of how to respond. He honestly wasn’t sure what Kakashi meant by that. He didn’t really know much about Kakashi beside what he had done after he left ANBU and made a name for himself, Iruka hadn’t been privy to the goings-on in the village when he was younger. Whatever it was from his past that Kakashi saw in Sasuke, it clearly upset him deeply.

“I tried to talk to him. But as you are acutely aware, my conversational skills are rusty,” Iruka winced a little as Kakashi continued to speak. “I don’t know if I actually got through to him. I really hope I did.”

“I’m sure you did,” Iruka murmured, still at a loss for how to help the situation. “Sasuke…he’s been through a lot. He’s got a lot of walls up. But I can tell he respects you, and takes what you have to say seriously.”

Kakashi sighed again, looking up at the sky. “I hope he does. If he keeps going down this road…”

Kakashi trailed off, and Iruka could see that his visible eye was distant and unfocused. Iruka had seen that look before, he’d seen it on just about every one of his friends that ever had been active-duty. It was a look that came from thinking too hard about one’s past, and that usually resulted in many a self-destructive night of bad coping mechanisms.

“Hey,” Iruka spoke softly, nudging Kakashi’s shoulder gently, waiting until Kakashi looked at him. “Are _you_ okay?”

Kakashi let out a quick huff of what could have been laughter, but seemed to relax a little.

“I’m fine. I just…am lost down memory lane, as it seems.”

Iruka sighed softly, recognizing the gentle rejection for what it was. Whatever was going on with Kakashi, he wasn’t wanting to talk about it. Not with Iruka, at least.

“Okay,” Iruka paused, worrying his lower lip between his teeth for a few seconds. “I’ll let you…travel down memory lane in peace, then,”

Iruka moved to leave, standing and turning to go before he felt Kakashi’s fingers around his wrist. He paused, looking back at Kakashi with wide eyes.

“Thanks,” Kakashi said softly, slowly releasing Iruka’s wrist. “Thanks for checking up on me.”

Iruka smiled a little, turning to leave.

“Yeah. Anytime, Kakashi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story's coming along much faster than I anticipated it would, we're approaching the thick of it all real soon. You guys brighten my day with your comments so much, I love you all, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story <3


	8. Chapter 8

When Iruka was greeted at the end of the school day by Izumo and Kotetsu, both looking uncharacteristically serious, his mind immediately assumed the worst.

As he was to learn very quickly soon after, life did sometimes get worse than the worst thing his imagination could come up with.

Izumo and Kotetsu had come to tell him that they had found Sakura Haruno this morning, passed out on a bench beside the path to the village gates. When they’d woke her, she’d informed them that Sasuke Uchiha had deserted the village the night before, defecting to Orochimaru and the Hidden Sound. If that wasn’t enough bad news, the village wasn’t able to spare any Jonin to go after him, and the only Chuunin they could spare was Shikamaru Nara. Not that Iruka didn’t believe Shikamaru was one of the most capable of all his graduates, he was leading a team only of four Genin boys to pursue god-knows-how-many of Orochimaru’s soldiers.

Naruto had gone, because of course he did. Iruka would have been more shocked if he didn’t go, and would also have to inquire as to what techniques the village had employed to restrain him. Accompanying Naruto and Shikamaru were Kiba Inuzuka, Choji Akimichi, and Neji Hyuuga. It had been almost an entire 12 hours since the team had left, and the pursuit team that had been cobbled together had already reported finding the live but severely injured bodies of both Choji and Neji.

Iruka turned, fully intending to inform Lady Hokage that she should either put him on a pursuit team or be content with the fact that he was leaving the village on his own, when Kotetsu grabbed him by the elbow.

“Nu-huh. I know that look, Iruka Umino, and don’t even think about it.”

“Are you serious?” Iruka snapped. “A team of Genin was sent out after Orochimaru’s henchmen! Two of them are in critical condition! They need help!”

“And they have it, Iruka,” Izumo cut in. “There’s already a pursuit team and trust me, they can handle themselves.”

“We wanted to be the ones to tell you to be damn sure that you didn’t go running off after them,” Kotetsu admitted. “Please, cool your jets for one minute. That Nara kid’s got the best brains in the business. They’ll pull through.”

Iruka scowled, but he had to acknowledge that they were right. The kids were all capable, no doubt about it. But he was just supposed to _wait?_ Sit in the village, do his desk job, and hope that someone showed up to keep him in the loop? He’d left active duty because he didn’t think he had the fortitude to take constantly going on missions. But now, he was starting to think that staying in the village required him to be even stronger still.

He’d left Izumo and Kotetsu with a promise to stay in the village, as long as they promised to bring him as many updates as they could. Even though they agreed, Iruka still found himself waiting up into the night in vain. In fact, Iruka had to wait, tense and distracted, until late the next afternoon for any kind of information.

“Iruka!” Izumo burst through Iruka’s classroom door, pausing with wide eyes as he realized he was fully interrupting a class. “Oh—”

Iruka dropped the chalk he was holding immediately, straightening and turning to address his class. “I need to speak to my colleagues for a moment. Behave,” He shot his students a warning glance, before slipping outside to join Izumo and Kotetsu. He shut the door, glancing between the two. “Well?”

“Hatake came back today, he’s in pursuit of them now.”

“Come on, Izumo!” Kotetsu grinned. “You didn’t tell him the best part! Hatake’s in pursuit, fully _without_ Lady Hokage’s permission.”

“What?” Iruka’s eyes widened. “Without permission?”

“She tried to assign him another mission, but informed him of the situation before he left,” Izumo couldn’t help but grin as well. “Told her he was running an errand first, next thing you know, he’s gone out after Naruto.”

Iruka felt a rush of appreciation for Kakashi Hatake in that moment, joined by a tentative feeling of relief. It wasn’t as good as having everyone safely back to the village, but it was hope that that may soon be the case.

“Thanks,” He sighed softly. “Thanks for keeping me in the loop, guys,”

“No problem,” Kotetsu shrugged. “Get back to your class, we’ll come back if there’s anything more.”

___

The end of the second day brought with it a terrible thunderstorm, and Iruka couldn’t say he was a fan of the universe’s dramatic timing. The thought of Kakashi pursuing Naruto was reassuring at first, but the longer he waited with no information, the worse he felt. He knew that there wouldn’t be an instantaneous resolve to the situation, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want one.

He was on his way home from school, having waited out the rain attempting to grade papers in his office, when he stopped dead in his tracks. He knew that chakra almost as well as he knew his own. Naruto was back in the village.

He turned toward the village gates and ran, leaping up to the rooftops in order to travel more quickly. He managed to land in front of Naruto, who was riding on Kakashi’s back, before they made their way too far into the village.

“Naruto,” Iruka gasped out, at a loss for words now that he could see the condition Naruto was in. He looked devastated, like all the fight was taken out of him. It wasn’t something Iruka was used to seeing, and it made his heart sink down into his stomach.

Iruka glanced over at Kakashi, the question going unspoken between them. Naruto was returning, critically injured, and Sasuke was nowhere to be found. They had lost him.

He stepped aside wordlessly, letting Kakashi carry Naruto to the hospital without another word. After all they had gone through, with Neji and Choji suffering life-threatening injuries, Shikamaru and Kiba laid up in the hospital with injuries of their own, Naruto having suffered a defeat so badly he had to be carried home…and Sasuke was still in the hands of Orochimaru.

Iruka caught up with Kakashi outside of Naruto’s hospital room, taking the seat next to where Kakashi was slumped on the floor with his back to the wall. He sat by Kakashi in silence for several seconds, shooting Kakashi several tentative glances that were not returned.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Iruka asked quietly, needing to break the silence.

Kakashi grunted softly in response, shaking his head slowly. “Naruto will be fine,” he murmured. “Neji and Choji are critical. Kiba’s in recovery. Shikamaru’s physically fine but beating himself up outside of Choji’s operating room.”

Iruka sighed heavily, shutting his eyes. “And he…they didn’t..?”

“Naruto fought him,” Kakashi said flatly. “By the time I got there, Naruto was unconscious on the ground…Sasuke’s headband was next to him.”

“No,” Iruka felt his heart sink even further. “No, Kakashi…”

“Yes,” Kakashi turned then, meeting Iruka’s gaze. “He’s gone. He’s made his choice.”

“He’ll be branded a traitor,” Iruka whispered. “Naruto and Sakura, they’ll be devastated,”

“Naruto already is.”

Iruka fell silent again, hugging his knees to his chest. He was supposed to be good at stuff like this, making people feel better when things started going bad. But he didn’t have anything, there was nothing he could think of to say that could help the situation at all.

“Are… _you_ okay, Kakashi?” Iruka asked, much more timidly than he usually might. It was a stupid question and he knew it, Kakashi wasn’t okay. But he didn’t know how else to broach the topic of how Kakashi was handling all of this.

“I think you know the answer to that, Sensei,”

“You know what I mean,” Iruka murmured, frowning a little. “Of course you aren’t. But I—if there’s something I can do, I—”

“I don’t know,” Kakashi answered honestly, sighing. “I failed. I thought…I thought that the seal, that my teaching would get through to him…but it wasn’t enough. I failed him.”

Iruka swallowed heavily, looking down at his own knees. “He could come back,” he offered in a whisper. “He didn’t—we could still find him, Kakashi,”

Kakashi let out a small huff of air, turning to Iruka with a small smile. “I see where the kid gets it from,” he murmured. “Naruto hasn’t given up on him, either.”

“Have you?”

Kakashi shrugged. “I don’t know. If I could look at me at his age, I’d have given up on me,” he murmured. “But I don’t know. I don’t want to. I want this to be different.”

“Hey,” Iruka leaned his shoulder into Kakashi’s gently. “You turned out okay, regardless. You don’t want to give up on him? Don’t. Bring him back.”

Kakashi leaned into Iruka’s touch just slightly, barely enough to notice. “That’s what I thought you’d say,” he paused, his hand on the ground next to Iruka’s shifting just enough that the outsides of their fingers touched. “I needed to hear it.”

“Well, there’s not much else use I can be,” Iruka murmured. “But I can promise to be here to kick your ass back into gear when you need it, Hatake.”

“An invaluable service,” Kakashi smiled a little, just enough for Iruka to tell under the mask. “And a much-needed comfort.”

“My verbally kicking your ass is a comfort?” Iruka asked, his cheeks and ears heating up.

“It’s routine, and routine is comforting,” Kakashi explained. “It’s not so much to do with the ass kicking.”

Iruka smiled a little, rolling his eyes. He wouldn’t probably say it out loud, but he was taking comfort in Kakashi’s presence as well. The village had taken a blow, the kids especially so. It was going to take a considerable amount of time for things to return to some semblance of normal. But at least for now, while they waited for Naruto to wake up, he and Kakashi had a familiar rapport to fall back into. He’d missed it, when Kakashi was sent away on long missions, a fact that had not escaped him but he’d never admit to.

“Didn’t Lady Hokage assign you a mission?” Iruka asked hesitantly. “Can you still be here?”

Kakashi snorted. “Fuck the mission. It’s my fault he’s here, if it weren’t for these back-to-back missions I could have been here from the start. I’m not leaving.”

Iruka allowed himself a small grin, ducking his head a little to hide it. “Well, if we’re both going to be here until he wakes up,” Iruka murmured, glancing back at Kakashi. “I’ll take first watch? Wake you if there’s any updates?”

Kakashi chucked softly, leaning his head back against the wall and shutting his eye. “Sounds good to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is something of a quickie, probably the shortest of the story so far. But, starting with the next chapter, the rest of them for the foreseeable future are doozies to write, so look forward to that. As always, your thoughts and opinions make my day. <3


	9. Chapter 9

No one had much time to recuperate after the blow of the failed mission to rescue Sasuke. Jonin and Chuunin were still being sent out on missions at a ridiculous rate, and tensions were particularly high in the mission room as increased exhaustion made reports all the more illegible, and tired Jonin were cranky at best. Multiple fistfights had almost broke out with various desk workers, and Iruka found that they weren’t quite as fun when it wasn’t Kakashi. They were just irritating, and sometimes destructive. As it was, he hadn’t seen Kakashi for quite some time. He was out on an s-rank, which means that even when he came back, he might not even report to the mission desk. Iruka had little chance of seeing him as long as he kept being assigned to s-rank missions.  He pretended, valiantly, that this fact did not bother him.

It was just the kind of bad luck that Konoha was having lately, it seemed. Of all things to come, after everything they had already gone through, the high-security prison had a break-out. And many of the highest profile inmates had escaped. Iruka had been working all afternoon with his own squad, rounding up as many prisoners as they could find. In fact, he was on his way back to report their success when he saw Naruto tearing out of the village in pursuit of what looked like Shizune’s pig. Thinking about what _that_ could mean honestly was a little overwhelming at the moment, so Iruka put a mental pin in the thoughts. He could focus on that after he finished his mission.

“Team Iruka has rounded up all the prisoners in—” Iruka stopped himself short in the act of opening the door to the Hokage’s office when his eyes landed on Kakashi. He was back? Since when? “Oh—Kakashi I…I beg your pardon,”

Tsunade waved off Iruka’s apology, but Kakashi turned and took Iruka’s hand in his own. Iruka’s eyes widened at the unexpected gesture, but before he could say anything Kakashi had lifted his wrist and turned it so his palm was face-up at about waist level.

“It looks like you and I won’t be getting a break anytime soon, Iruka,” He said cheerfully, before weaving a hand sign and casting a summoning jutsu directly into Iruka’s palm.

It was a testament to his skill as a shinobi that Iruka didn’t immediately drop the pug that appeared in his hand with a puff of smoke. He was honestly a little heavy to be holding one-handed, and Iruka didn’t think he could be blamed by the undignified squawk that left his throat when the pug raised a paw in greeting and murmured “What’s up, Sonnyboy?”

“Well, Iruka, I leave the rest to you!” Kakashi gave a cheeky wave, before leaping out of the nearest window.

“I—bu—wha—?” Iruka stammered nonsensical sounds for a few seconds, his eyes darting between the window, the pug, and the Hokage.

“Iruka!” Tsunade’s voice broke through the slightly panicked confusion threatening to overtake Iruka’s brain. “You have a mission. And you haven’t got much time.”

“Uh. O-okay,” Iruka managed, tearing his eyes away from the pug in his hands (who wouldn’t stop _staring_ at him) to get a briefing from Tsunade.

Iruka felt his blood run cold after the first sentence of his next assignment, and it only got worse the longer Tsunade talked. Among the prisoners that escaped, the highest profile prisoner was Mizuki. That alone would have been enough, but apparently he and two others were still at large. Worse still, they had taken out Shizune. And somehow, managing to get even _worse_ , Naruto was currently in pursuit _alone._ Kakashi had summoned Pakkun (which was the talking pug’s name, Iruka learned) so Iruka could track both Naruto and Mizuki and bring them both back to the village.

Naruto and Tonton were easy enough to track down, especially with Pakkun’s nose on his side. They found Shizune almost immediately after Iruka caught up with Naruto, she was injured, but not too seriously. She told them that her men were still in pursuit of Mizuki, and that they should hurry and back them up. When Iruka pointed out that the path directly ahead of them lead to a ravine that was almost begging for an ambush, his suggestion to find a path on higher ground was shot down from all fronts. He wasn’t leading the mission, he couldn’t make them agree. But running directly into a ravine made him incredibly uneasy. Mizuki wasn’t stupid; so he’d underestimated Iruka and Naruto before. But only once, and he was sure to have learned his lesson. He undoubtably knew he was being pursued, and any shinobi worth his rank would have set up traps or an ambush in terrain like this.

Given that the circumstances were dire, Iruka refrained from any ‘I-told-you-so’s when he was proven entirely right. The giant boulder from above ended up separating Iruka from Naruto and Shizune, but that was clearly by design. Of _course_. Iruka went through a slew of mental curses when he realized, he should have known sooner! Shizune was too close, it was too easy. And henges always were Mizuki’s favorite trick.

“What a pleasure to see you again, Iruka!” Shizune melted away, replaced by a smirking Mizuki, as two of the biggest men Iruka had ever seen fell into line behind him.

“Iruka?” Naruto wrinkled his nose. “Who is this clown?”

“That’s Mizuki,” Iruka growled, his fingers tightening around his kunai. Naruto was right, Mizuki looked different. He was bulkier, stronger. It was very apparent what he did to keep himself occupied in prison. Iruka was pulled out of his thoughts when he was addressed again, this time Mizuki’s jibes were accompanied with a raised eyebrow and a lick of his lips.

“What do you think, Iruka? I’m a new man,” he paused to flex his biceps. “It’s _amazing_ what being confined to a tiny cell can do to your body, don’t you think?”

He was being crude on purpose, to hit at Iruka’s nerves. And it was working. As if Iruka needed more reasons to kick the ever-loving shit out of Mizuki, here he was, being handed more by the second.

“When did you realize it was me?” Mizuki taunted.

“It was obvious as soon as we found you,” Iruka replied through gritted teeth. “You said your men were in pursuit. The only way a subordinate would leave their captain is if she were dead, or close to it. Your injuries were minor.”

Mizuki laughed, shaking his head. “Straight outta the textbook,”

“You also didn’t say anything when I suggested a detour,” Iruka raised his kunai, Mizuki’s plan being laid out simply with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. “You weren’t buying time. You were drawing us in from the start.”

“Aw, you’re as sharp as ever, Iruka,” Mizuki grinned. “Reminds me of the _good ol’ days_ ,”

“Abandon your mission,” Iruka growled. “You—”

“But you know _nothing_ of the hardships I had to endure!” Mizuki cut Iruka off, his eyes burning just as wild as they had that night in the forest. Before Iruka could respond, Mizuki launched himself in the air, while his two absurdly large henchmen lunged toward Naruto.

“Naruto! Get out of here!” Iruka shouted, diving with intent to put himself between Naruto and the two goons. He was blocked, however, by his blade hitting Mizuki’s. He grunted at the impact, finding himself suddenly face-to-face with those same wild eyes. They were too close, and Iruka faltered backwards with a jerk.

“Your fight is with _me_ , Iruka!” Mizuki cried, eyeing Iruka with a hunger that made Iruka’s skin crawl.

“Don’t worry, Iruka-sensei! I’ll be fine!” Naruto barely managed to finish his sentence, before a punch from Mizuki’s goons sent him flying into the rocks.

“Naruto!” Iruka cried, glancing back at him before his attention was drawn to yet another swipe from Mizuki’s knife.

“You think you can look away?” Mizuki cried, slowly managing to push both he and Iruka’s kunai closer to Iruka’s face.

Iruka had to put all his energy behind keeping the blades away from his face, leaning back farther and calling out for Naruto to run yet again. But Naruto was a stubborn boy, and he knew that he wasn’t going to listen. Instead he made shadow clones, launching an attack on the goons instead. Iruka could have screamed in frustration; a taijutsu based attack, no matter how many opponents they had, was clearly not going to work against these guys. But Iruka was locked in a stalemate with Mizuki, and there was no way he was going to be able to help.

“You’re really doing this _again,_ Mizuki?” Iruka shouted, finally managing to break the stalemate and push Mizuki away. “Betraying your comrades once wasn’t enough for you? I—the men and women of Konoha were willing to _die_ for you, what about that don’t you understand?”

“You were willing to _die_ for me?” Mizuki snorted. “You’re as naïve as ever, Iruka.”

Iruka’s chest constricted as Mizuki ranted and raved about power, Orochimaru’s power, and about how sentiments like _‘loyalty’_ and _‘camaraderie’_ were foolish, weak notions that were the reason Iruka was such a worthless shinobi. He said that he would open the eyes of those like Iruka, show them how their emotions made them useless.

“Mizuki,” Iruka was trying to weigh his options. He had no doubt that he could hold his own on a fight against Mizuki. His strength didn’t intimidate him. However, Naruto wasn’t going to be able to defeat his two goons on his own, the longer he left that fight happening the higher the risk to Naruto. It was a long shot, but—if he managed to talk Mizuki down, maybe a drawn-out fight could be avoided. His hopes weren’t high, but he had to try. Catching Mizuki in a monologue certainly worked to his advantage last time, at least. “You were one of our finest once, it’s not too—”

“Save your breath!” Mizuki snapped. “If your love for your _comrades_ is as strong as you say it is, then prove it! Defeat me!”

So much for that strategy. Mizuki leapt away without another word, and Iruka scrambled to chase after him. If it was a fight he wanted, Iruka would gladly deliver. Mizuki had always considered him weak, always. He’d made that much very clear. Well, Iruka was finished fucking around.

“Mizuki!” Iruka shouted, coming to pause in a forest of bamboo. “Where are you?”

“Aww, poor Iruka,” Mizuki’s mocking drawl came from within the bamboo. “How can you _fight_ me if you can’t even _find_ me?”

Iruka growled, dodging two kunai that were thrown from the surrounding forest. “Show yourself, you bastard!”

Iruka froze, a strange, rustling noise from behind him catching his ear. Of course. Mizuki always went for a stab to the back.

“Always watch your own back, that’s one of the cardinal rules for shinobi,” he taunted, his kunai tearing through Iruka’s back.

Mizuki recognized the substitution as soon as Iruka’s “body” hit the ground.

“Well done, I see you’re not as dumb as you once were!” Mizuki crowed, looking around in vain.

“Always be aware that your opponent may be bluffing,” Iruka quoted calmly. “That’s also one of the cardinal rules,” Iruka’s upper lip curled up in a sneer. “And go for another target, Mizuki. The backstabbing routine is tired.”

He caught Mizuki’s blade against his own, before pushing Mizuki back yet again. “Will you stop this?”

“Will you _shut up?_ ”

“What’s with you?” Iruka shouted, unable to hold himself back. “What’s wrong with you? What _is_ this obsession with power?”

“Power is _everything_ ,” Mizuki laughed, lunching after Iruka again and again. “You naïve, foolish—why won’t you attack me?”

“Mizuki, I don’t have to be your enemy,” Iruka still needed to end this quickly. He had little hope of a quick victory through combat, he and Mizuki could stay deadlocked for hours. “We were comrades, we were—”

“I can’t tell you how much I hate hearing that word, _comrades_ ,” Mizuki sneered. “Just say it, Iruka. Say what you _wished_ we were,”

Iruka froze, clenching his jaw tightly. “We were friends,” he said, managing to keep his voice from shaking. “Please, stop this, for your sake as much as anyone else’s—”

“Alright, now you’re really starting to annoy me,” Mizuki sighed. “I _was_ planning to finish you off quickly…you know, just like old times,” Iruka’s cheeks burned at the implication, but he kept his mouth shut. “But not anymore. I’ll give you a taste of what it feels like to _listen_ to you!”

Mizuki leapt away before Iruka could retaliate, and Iruka only just managed to keep himself from blindly pursuing immediately. No. he had to stop. He had to focus. Mizuki was trying to get under his skin, trying to saw what he knew would get Iruka angry so he’d be off his game. He was taunting him, one second he was calling Iruka weak and stupid, playing on his insecurities from long ago. The next moment he was winking, smirking, and laying on innuendo. The combination of the two was giving Iruka emotional whiplash, it was sending him into all kinds of distracting memories, and it was exactly what Mizuki wanted. He _wanted_ Iruka to remember his childhood friend, his teammate, his partner, his—but he couldn’t. He _wouldn’t_. That Mizuki didn’t exist anymore, no matter how much Iruka wanted him to.

He made that quite clear after a single moment of Iruka’s weakness, using his distraction to kick him clear across the forest. Iruka landed with a sharp grunt of pain, scrambling to sit up when Mizuki loomed over him. Iruka could only sit, frozen in shock, as Mizuki described in great detail the life he had of hating Iruka, of taking joy in his misery, in the burning jealousy he had for the care and sympathy Iruka received in his childhood. He said it all with such relish, as if nothing was giving him greater pleasure than taking one more thing from Iruka, nothing could make him happier than yet again being a source of Iruka’s pain.

The fight quickly turned deadly after that; Iruka’s turbulent emotions leading to him making several embarrassing, rookie mistakes. But he was able to turn a mistake into an advantage, managing to bounce a kunai off of the surrounding bamboo to land a hit on Mizuki’s shoulder. But it wasn’t enough, it was a flesh wound at worst. And Iruka had suffered several small injuries. Mizuki ran off again, but he left a blood trail. It lead to an empty clearing, that immediately warped itself into a genjutsu. Iruka released it with little trouble, but still ended up face-to-face with some kind of puppet. Iruka took that out with the same amount of ease, but found himself quickly getting overwhelmed. The skill and variety of Mizuki’s jutsu was nothing short of awe-inspiring. Iruka truly had been underestimating Mizuki this entire time. That was probably part of Mizuki’s plan all along, to lull Iruka and the rest of the village into a false sense of security.

When he finally caught up with Mizuki, he couldn’t help but ask.

“Why?” Iruka managed, desperately trying to wrap his head around the situation. “You have—you have all these incredible abilities, and you’re _wasting_ them—”

“Always trying to lecture me!” Mizuki cut Iruka off. “So stupid—so naïve! I have no respect for the likes of you. So bound by the rules of _morality_ to give me an ounce of respect—no matter how many enemies I took down! Not _one_ of you showed me the respect I deserve? _Why_ , Iruka? What about _me_?”

There it was. The real Mizuki…and also, potentially, a way to win.

“It’s not too late,” Iruka offered. “If you pay for your crimes—you can start over in the village—”

“Don’t make me laugh!” Mizuki was losing control now. “What gives you the right to lecture me! You’re just like the rest, you think you’re _better_ than me, you even acknowledge the _fox_ over me!”

“Mizuki—”

“It all started on that _day_ ,” Mizuki continued his ranting, slipping farther and farther with each thought. “I was just carrying out the mission I was assigned, my life has been _miserable_ since that day! You don’t understand, you have no _idea_! You’ve had it so _easy_!”

Iruka shook his head a little, almost unable to keep up. Somehow, right under Iruka’s nose, Mizuki had become so warped that he considered the council’s mistrust of him for _murdering_ an injured comrade in the field to be a bigger burden on his life than… _anything_ Iruka had in his own. So he thought Iruka got special treatment? Whatever. He wasn’t the first, and he wouldn’t be the last. But he was clearly dangerous, Iruka was kicking himself for not seeing it in him sooner. If he wanted to settle the score, Iruka would play along. There was no talking him out of this. He followed Mizuki into a tower, it was old and familiar, giving Iruka a strange sense of déjà vu.

“You’re clearly not going to change your mind,” he growled. “It’s sad. But I’ll bring this to an end, Mizuki,”

“Aw, I could just cry, Iruka!” Mizuki called gleefully from the shadows of the tower, before Iruka was having to block a slew of kunai directed at his face.

Mizuki was being relentless in his attacks now, and Iruka couldn’t see a damn thing. The entire time Mizuki _talked_ , he talked about how much he loved the darkness of prison, about how it made him strong. Iruka realized too late that he was right. He had the advantage in darkness, he’d lived in it for years. He had senses that Iruka hadn’t been able to develop. Iruka took a kick hard, sent flying across the room and hitting a wall with a grunt of pain.

“Now’s not the time to lose our concentration, Iruka!” Mizuki taunted, his voice dropping lower. “This is fun…I wanna make it _last_ ,”

Iruka felt a chill down his spine at the words, his eyes darting around frantically but uselessly in the dark. He managed to keep up his defense, but his senses weren’t attuned to the dark. The low visibility was heightening his anxiety, and Mizuki’s constant taunting was grating at his every nerve. Things were genuinely starting to look bad. Mizuki knew him too well, he was able to play against every weakness he had.

A long, uninterrupted moment of stillness only served to make Iruka even more tense. But he couldn’t afford to make any rash moves. Think. Focus. Sense. He was a ninja, for fuck’s sake. He could sense him…feel him…he could hear…footsteps? No, it was too subtle. It was a constant, low sound…a rustle, a sizzle…a sizzle of—

Iruka’s eyes snapped open, and he dropped into a protective crouch. It wasn’t his best move, it would be smarter to get out. But he wouldn’t be clear in time, and running into falling rubble wouldn’t help. Staying still and doing his best to protect his vitals was the best option for now. The paper bombs exploded, and the building went down.

Somehow, he managed to survive the blast. He was just starting to be able to hear over the ringing in his ears when he heard Naruto shout his name. He pushed his way out of the rubble, his entire body screaming in protest as he attempted to stand. He let Mizuki get the best of him _again_. He eased himself into an upright sitting position, brushing off Naruto’s concerns over his wounds. They needed to find Mizuki.

The last thing Iruka expected was to run into Tsubaki. He’d known her from the village, she was in his year at the academy. It was a surprise, however, to learn that she and Mizuki had been engaged. For a long time, in fact. _That_ was something he’d never mentioned, and Iruka blurted out as much before thinking better of it. The look in her eyes made him truly wish he hadn’t. How transparent _was_ he? If it wasn’t already clear that she knew what kind of man Mizuki was, Iruka would have felt like a homewrecker. He still kind of did. She begged, in tears, for Iruka to let her come with them to get Mizuki. Iruka understood her desire all too well. He was reluctant, but Tsubaki insisted that she knew where he was headed. If that was true, it would save them valuable time. But if she was lying…if she was still working with him…

Iruka decided that it was worth the risk. Along the way, Tsubaki detailed everything she knew about Mizuki’s plan: Mizuki wanted Orochimaru’s power; that symbol Iruka had been told was a tattoo had been a curse mark all along, the same as Sasuke’s and probably countless others’. It was the whole reason Mizuki stole the scroll in the first place. She believed he would change, a belief Iruka would have called foolish, if he didn’t realize how hypocritical it would make him. Part of him still wished Mizuki would give up, though he knew that part of him was just as naïve as Mizuki said.

By the time they had caught up with Mizuki, it seemed to be too late. He emerged from the cave with a familiar fuma shuriken, and a strange concoction that he drank on the spot. The results were instantaneous; his body began to glow and swell, morphing and mutating into a massive, terrifying being with more chakra that Iruka had ever felt. Tsubaki collapsed, and Naruto charged.

Naruto went down in a single hit, and before Iruka could finish calling out to him, Mizuki was behind his back. How and when did he get so fast? Mizuki’s hit sent Iruka flying, and he barely managed to catch himself. And Mizuki had the gall to ask if he was _impressed_.

Iruka’s eyes widened in shock as Tsubaki clung to Mizuki’s arm, begging him to come back to the village with her. Mizuki responded by throwing her aside, and Iruka dove to catch her. He managed to grab ahold of her in the air, but before he could land Mizuki was upon them, driving them into the trees with a sharp hit to Iruka’s back.

When Iruka got back to his senses, Naruto was under Mizuki’s feet. Mizuki was out of his mind, rambling on and on about how all he’d ever wanted, since the day he and Iruka met, was _revenge_ on him. He’d waited years, and he was planning on starting with Naruto. Well, the fuma shuriken didn’t hold Iruka back last time, and a hard fall into some trees certainly wasn’t going to this time. Iruka launched himself at Mizuki, who defected the attack with ease, taunting him all the while. But Iruka would admit, he wasn’t able to match Mizuki in pure strength. He ended up pinned to a tree by his throat, Mizuki pressing in closer and snarling.

“You’ve never been anything but a puny teacher,” he growled. “Always letting people _use_ you. You’re jealous of the way I live, of my power! You’ll never be able to learn it!”

He dropped Iruka to the ground, pulling the fuma shuriken off his back. Iruka coughed, struggling to gasp in air, desperately attempting to gather the strength to move away.

“Just like old times, Iruka,” Mizuki drew his arm back for an attack. “Only this time, I’m gonna finish you off once and for all,”

In a moment Iruka would call weakness, he closed his eyes as the massive shuriken approached. He heard the stomach, churning sound as it made its mark, ripping through fabric and flesh with a squishing thud. But there was no pain, no pressure, nothing happened to Iruka.

When Iruka opened his eyes, Naruto was holding himself above him. He was crouched over Iruka’s body, doubled over in pain, barely able to hold his weight with his shaking arms. It was a position Iruka knew, it was a position that sometimes visited Iruka in nightmares.

“Naruto…Naruto _why?_ ” Iruka asked desperately, moving out from under Naruto as carefully as he could. This was like déjà vu, only _way_ worse. Is this what Naruto felt like when Iruka took the fuma shuriken for him? It was awful. It was terrifying. Iruka tore his eyes away from Naruto back to Mizuki with some effort. This fight wasn’t over.

Mizuki was ranting, and then he was yelling, and all of a sudden he’d transformed again. He was covered in fur, his teeth had grown in size, and he’d somehow managed to turn himself into a humanoid tiger. Iruka hadn’t ever seen anything like it before, this battle was progressing too fast for him to keep up, much less strategize. He couldn’t even dodge anymore. He was starting to lose hope.

“Hey Iruka,”

Iruka flinched, turning his attention to the pug from earlier.

“He’s slowing down. Something about this transformation has made him sacrifice his speed.”

Iruka’s eyes widened, watching Mizuki land another blow on Naruto. It wasn’t sloppy, but it was sluggish.

“You think he…took the chakra he was using for speed, and put it towards strength instead?” he asked, his mind already racing with new information. “If that’s true…”

Iruka jumped away without completing his thought, pulling off his headband and angling it against the sunlight, signaling for Naruto to follow. It worked like a charm, luring Mizuki effectively into Iruka’s barrier seals, holding him in place. Naruto took the opportunity to blast Mizuki with Rasengan, which Iruka didn’t even know he could _do._ When had he learned the fourth Hokage’s techniques? They had so much to catch up on.

But first, Mizuki was still here. He was looking much more like his old self…skinnier, sunken cheeks, and gurgling weakly on the ground. Yeah, that’s more like the _real_ Mizuki. Tsunade arrived, explaining the potion Mizuki had taken, as well as the link he had to Orochimaru. It made Iruka’s head spin, thinking about how long Mizuki must have been planning this. He’d known Mizuki almost his entire life, considered himself closer to him than _anyone_. The entire time, Mizuki had hated him. Used him. Played with him.

Iruka tuned out the conversations happening around him, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach. Somehow, it was easier when he thought that Mizuki had _only_ wanted the scroll of sealing. But this afternoon had revealed so much, and Iruka wished he could forget it all. He wanted to be happy; the mission was a success, Naruto’s training had taken him so far…he’d saved Iruka’s _life_ , for fuck’s sake. He should be brimming with pride. But, as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t turn off the part of his brain that was still trying to process everything he learned about Mizuki.

He excused himself when they arrived back at the village, needing…well, if he was honest, he didn’t know what he needed. He hadn’t felt like this in a very long time; small, worthless, unloved, and unbearably lonely. Ironically enough, the last time he felt like this, Mizuki was one of the only people who could cheer him up. But that was all a lie. Mizuki never actually cared about him, the entire time he’d been watching Iruka suffer and _enjoying_ it.

Inexplicably, he found himself at Kakashi’s door. He didn’t even know if Kakashi was around, Tsunade had been sending every available Jonin on back-to-back missions for the past few weeks. But he had just returned to the village, there was a chance he hadn’t left on his next assignment yet. Iruka was willing to take that chance.

“Iruka?” Kakashi’s eye widened when he answered Iruka’s knock, looking him up and down quickly. “You look like hell,”

Iruka knew he was probably right, he hadn’t gotten any of his injuries treated, he was undoubtedly covered in ash and debris from the exploded building, and he was certain that the impending emotional breakdown must be showing through his face.

“I—” Iruka paused, taking note of the stocked uniform. Just as he expected, Kakashi was about to head out. “When are you leaving?”

“I can spare at least an hour,” Kakashi murmured, opening his door wider and giving Iruka room to come inside.

The rush of gratitude for Kakashi hit Iruka so hard he could feel it in his chest. He followed as Kakashi stripped off his bulky, packed vest and sat down on his small couch, indicating that Iruka could do the same. He followed suit, sinking into the couch with a heavy sigh. He hadn’t realized how much he just needed to sit for the past several hours. He probably could have fallen asleep right there.

“What’s going on?” Kakashi asked, gesturing toward the bloody tears in Iruka’s uniform. “You’re hurt,”

“I—I’m fine,” Iruka muttered, curling in on himself a little. “Mi—the prisoners were…”

Iruka trailed off, swallowing heavily. What was he even doing here? Kakashi had a mission to go on, he didn’t have time to deal with Iruka’s sob story right now.

“You’re fine now, but those’ll get infected if you leave them,” Kakashi stood, leaving the room and returning soon after with a med kit. “Talk. Tell me about the mission.”

Kakashi was sat much closer this time, inspecting the wounds on Iruka’s side gently. Iruka squeezed his eyes shut, holding his silence for a few more seconds, before the dam broke. He told Kakashi everything; how Mizuki would taunt him, play on his every weakness to draw him out into his long-standing revenge plot. How the closest, most trusted person Iruka had for years was really just using him for his entire life. How, after all that, he’d found out that Mizuki’d had a convenient secret fiancée just outside the village the entire time. About how, despite everything that happened, Iruka still couldn’t effectively fight back. He wasn’t able to land a blow against Mizuki, no matter how much Mizuki deserved it.

Kakashi listened patiently, all the while cleaning and bandaging any visible wounds on Iruka’s body. When Iruka finally fell silent, Kakashi looked up at him, seeming to struggle with his own words for a moment.

“You…you had feelings for him,” It wasn’t a question. More like a dawning realization for Iruka to confirm.

Iruka felt bile rise in his throat. “No,” he shook his head, his nails digging into his thighs in an attempt to ground himself. “I didn’t—I never—”

“Iruka,” Kakashi sighed softly. “It’s okay. He’s wrong about you, and you know he is. You aren’t naive, and you’re not weak.”

“But I couldn’t fight him,” Iruka grit out, hanging his head. “Against him, I just—I couldn’t do it, even after he told me that he—that he never—”

“You can’t hurt the people you care about. It’s a good thing, Iruka.”

“It’s _stupid_ ,” Iruka insisted, squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s _stupid_ to care about people who want to hurt you, I let my own feelings blind me to the truth, and I let people _use_ me,” he took in a shaky breath, whispering. “I thought—the whole time, I thought he—”

Kakashi sighed again, tugging his mask down and gently lifting Iruka’s chin with a finger. “Mizuki was a fucked up kid,” he began slowly. “But what he did…it’s not a reflection on you. You know that,” he let his hand drop from Iruka’s face.

“Kakashi,” Iruka whispered, reaching forward and grabbing a handful of Kakashi’s shirt. “I…I need—” he paused, struggling to find the words. “I need you to—please just touch me,” he breathed out, his hand in Kakashi’s shirt shaking. “Just—like you care about me,”

“Like I…” Kakashi trailed off, gently laying his own hand over the one Iruka was using for his death grip on Kakashi. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Iruka,”

“Please,” Iruka whispered desperately, “Please, Kakashi, I need to feel _something_ , something other than _this,_ ”

“I…” Kakashi’s grip on Iruka’s wrist tightened, and he dropped his gaze. “Okay,” he relented. “But Iruka, if it’s too much—”

“It won’t be,” Iruka insisted, finally managing to pull Kakashi closer by his collar.

“Hey, slow down,” Kakashi murmured, gently removing Iruka’s hand from his shirt. He lifted Iruka’s hand to his lips, kissing his palm softly. Iruka let out a shaky sigh, allowing Kakashi to unzip his flack vest and push it off his shoulders. He ran his fingers up Iruka’s sides gently, slowly moving over Iruka’s neck, carefully sliding Iruka’s headband and hairtie out of his hair. He slipped his fingers through Iruka’s hair, deftly and carefully untangling any knots he encountered until he could run his fingers through Iruka’s hair with ease.

Iruka shivered gently as Kakashi continued to massage his scalp, letting Kakashi pull him closer and moving into his lap. He wrapped his arms around Kakashi’s shoulders loosely, sliding Kakashi’s headband off, shutting his eyes and resting his forehead against Kakashi’s gently. He could feel Kakashi’s breath against his lips, and Kakashi’s fingers running over his head and neck was making his mind go fuzzy.

Kakashi smoothed a hand down Iruka’s back, slipping his fingers under the hem of Iruka’s shirt to rub tiny, slow circles into his hip. He pulled his head back slightly, brushing Iruka’s hair out of his face and waiting until their eyes met to speak.

“Can I take your shirt off?” Kakashi murmured, waiting until Iruka nodded before running his hands up under Iruka’s shirt gently and pulling the shirt over his head. He smoothed his hands down Iruka’s chest, ducking his head and kissing along Iruka’s jaw softly.

Iruka let out a small noise on a breath, letting his head roll slightly to the side to give Kakashi more room. Every touch from Kakashi was gentle and feather-light, and he was exploring Iruka’s body as if it were the most precious thing he’d ever held in his own hands. He felt Kakashi’s arms wrap around his back and pull him closer, holding their chests flush together as he dropped kisses across his shoulder. It was all so tender, so intimate…and suddenly, it was too much.

Iruka gasped sharply, clinging to the back of Kakashi’s shirt and tensing, dropping his head and letting his hair hide his face. Kakashi immediately stilled, pulling back as much as Iruka’s arms would let him, brushing Iruka’s hair away with a gentle hand.

“Iruka?” he asked quietly. “Too much?”

“Too much,” Iruka whispered, a few hot tears spilling over his cheeks before he could hide them. “I—I-I—”

“Shh,” Kakashi reached beside them, offering Iruka back his shirt, letting him pull it back on quickly. “It’s okay. Breathe,”

“I’m sorry,” Iruka wiped at his cheeks hurriedly, shifting backwards to try and move out of Kakashi’s space. “I shouldn’t have come here, I—”

“Iruka,” Kakashi’s voice was soft, and calm, and it cut through the anxiety flooding Iruka’s mind enough for him to focus. “Please, stop me if this is still too much,” he murmured, reaching a hand out tentatively.

Iruka tensed at first when Kakashi smoothed a hand over his side, wrapping around his back and gently tugging him close again. He allowed himself to be pulled against Kakashi, leaning his head down so he had effectively hidden his face against Kakashi’s shoulder. He felt Kakashi’s free hand come up to stroke at his hair again and that was all it took; a small, choked-off sob shook his body, and he clung to Kakashi’s chest as he let the tears come.

And Kakashi held him, not saying a word, just letting Iruka cry into his shoulder. He held Iruka until his sobbing slowed and his breathing started to even out again, rubbing his lower back slowly.

“Hey,” Kakashi lifted Iruka’s head off his shoulder gently, cupping Iruka’s cheeks with his hands and using his thumbs to wipe the tears off of his cheeks. “Iruka, I’m sorry, but I—I have to go,”

Iruka just nodded, wiping at his eyes and moving off of Kakashi’s lap. He hadn’t cried that hard since he was ten years old, but in his own defense, he’d just had a large portion of his life turned upside down and cheated death all in the same day.

“Iruka,” Kakashi turned, pulling his flak vest back on before moving back towards Iruka on his couch. “I know you’re not okay right now, and I’m sorry I have to leave you like this. But…talk when I get back? Promise?”

Iruka sniffled loudly, nodding as he wasn’t sure he could trust his voice. Kakashi pulled his headband back on and his mask back up, heading toward his door.

“Kakashi,”

Kakashi paused, turning towards Iruka with a curious look.

“Come back safe,” Iruka whispered.

Kakashi paused, holding Iruka’s gaze for a long moment before opening his door to leave. “I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised in the last chapter, this chapter was an absolute beast to write. I hope all of you are still liking this, your thoughts and comments are always appreciated <3


	10. Chapter 10

By the time Kakashi got back to the village, Iruka had spent enough time thinking about his night crying to Kakashi that he was completely, entirely embarrassed. He wasn’t used to being so vulnerable when others could see, considering them to be moments of weakness that would make people in the village look down on him. When he thought about what happened that night, part of him wanted to never look Kakashi in the eye again. He’d promised that they would talk, and Iruka knew they should, but the thought of trying to open up again after he had the time to compartmentalize and bottle everything back up where it belongs made him feel sick. The more time passed waiting for Kakashi to return from his mission, the more he felt dread weighing heavy in his thoughts as well as his stomach.

He hadn’t spoken to anyone else about what happened with Mizuki. It wasn’t because nobody asked, Izumo and Anko both separately came to check on him in the days after the prison break. But Iruka found himself smiling, claiming to be fine and brushing off their concerns like it was second nature…which, he supposed, it was. He didn’t have any issues making his friends believe him, either. The only person who knew the full extent of Mizuki’s betrayal was Kakashi.

Iruka did his best to push the entire situation out of his mind. He couldn’t focus on anything he had to do if he spent all his time thinking about his fucked up relationships, whether past or present. He threw himself wholeheartedly into his work, particularly in his classroom, finally managing a few days in a row where neither Mizuki nor Kakashi crossed his mind once. His students were taking leaps forward in talent, with only minor disasters interrupting his lessons. He’d taken more mission desk shifts than usual as well, feeling the need to fill his time even more so now that Naruto had left the village with Jiraiya. His opportunities for distractions were becoming fewer and far between, but really all that lead to was his students getting papers graded much earlier and much more thoroughly than usual. Which wasn’t a bad side effect.

Iruka was midway through a shift at the mission desk, working entirely on autopilot. The shift had been quiet, the reports had been passable at worst, and one of Iruka’s coworkers only nodded off once. It was shaping up to be a good day.

It was so slow that Iruka figured he might as well do some grading in between the reports that were trickling in, and that was exactly what he was doing. He had the end of his pen in his mouth, his brows furrowed as he attempted to decipher both the handwriting and the logic of one of his student’s essay answers, when the quiet clearing of someone’s throat made him look up.

He let the pen fall from his lips when his eyes met Kakashi’s, hearing it roll off the desk and clatter quietly to the floor.

“Hey,”

“Um. Hi. Welcome back,” Iruka finally managed, straightening up and pushing his student’s papers back into his bag quickly. “Do you, uh. Report?” Good job, Iruka.

“Yeah, I do,” Kakashi couldn’t keep from letting out a small chuckle. “Here.”

Iruka took the report quickly, using the guise of reading it to hide his face. Come the fuck _on_ , Iruka. He wasn’t some kind of blushing schoolgirl, he could handle getting a report from Kakashi at his fucking desk job. He finally focused enough to actually read the report, pausing to double-take, and reading it again.

“Okay…what’s the catch?”

“Hm?”

“Your report,” Iruka looked up, suspicious. “It’s properly done.”

Kakashi snorted. “I do sometimes do my job well, Sensei.”

“Bullshit,” Iruka’s eyes narrowed. “Your mission reports have sucked for years, I can’t believe you did one perfectly for no reason.”

“Maybe I had a reason,” Kakashi shrugged. “Maybe I wanted to give everybody’s favorite angry desk worker a bit of a break.”

Iruka blushed as several of his eavesdropping excuses for coworkers suddenly seemed to be overcome with small coughing fits that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

“Anyway…am I good to go?”

“Uh. Yes. Fine. Thank you for your hard work,” Iruka muttered, stamping the report as approved. “If I find any secret stupid messages in this later, I’m coming for your ass, Hatake.”

“Promises, promises,” Kakashi teased, causing Iruka to turn bright red and splutter indignantly as his coworkers all snorted with renewed laughter that they didn’t bother to conceal. Kakashi threw up a two-fingered salute, before turning to leave. “See you later, Sensei.”

Iruka slumped in his seat with a quiet groan, tossing Kakashi’s report in with the others before busying himself with classwork again. Anything to avoid the curious eyes of his fellow desk workers. He kept his eyes down for the rest of the shift, but didn’t read a single word of the essay answers. Kakashi was back, and he would expect to talk. Iruka didn’t want to talk. He’d just gotten to the point where he wasn’t spacing out at random intervals in the day to think about it. Just _thinking_ about talking about it was making his hands sweaty and shaky.

He packed his things up quickly at the end of his shift, hoping to duck out quickly and just go home and sleep. He wasn’t particularly tired, but maybe if he forced himself to go to bed, he wouldn’t overthink the whole thing yet again. He made it out onto the street before he felt someone fall into step beside him. He paused, already knowing who it must be.

“Welcome back, Kakashi,” he murmured, looking up at him hesitantly. “Was the mission okay?”

“As okay as it could be, I guess,” Kakashi shrugged. “I…was wondering if you’d eaten.”

“What?”

Kakashi huffed out a small laugh. “Eaten, Sensei. Like dinner? I haven’t. I was wondering if you wanted to join me,” he paused, glancing away. “No pressure, though.”

Iruka hesitated, weighing his options. Going to get dinner with Kakashi meant being in public, which made it less likely they would talk about anything serious. And Iruka did want to see Kakashi, it was weird going so long without him around. So as long as nothing too serious was brought up…

“Yeah, okay,” Iruka agreed.

The two walked in silence for several streets; Iruka keeping his eyes on the road out of nerves, Kakashi glancing sideways at him every few steps. Kakashi broke the silence to ask if Iruka would mind if he picked a new restaurant, and Iruka agreed. Kakashi lead him somewhere a little more out of the way than Iruka usually went, which explained why Iruka didn’t remember ever seeing the restaurant before. It was small, and not particularly crowded, and Kakashi picked a booth towards the back with good visibility of the door. That was pretty common for most ex-ANBU, and Iruka didn’t question the privacy. Thought a part of his brain nagged at him that it was just secluded enough for the type of private conversations Iruka was trying to avoid.

“This place…I found it when I was trying to avoid most of our colleagues,” Kakashi admitted. “I was real young, and having a very…antisocial phase. The food’s fantastic, so I still come by every so often.”

“Yeah, I can see why this would be a good place to hide,” Iruka remarked. “I’ve certainly never heard of it.”

“I figured you’d appreciate some time away from the gang,” Kakashi held his gaze steady. “Am I right?”

“You are,” Iruka admitted on a heavy breath, feeling his shoulders relax for the first time in approximately a week. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Kakashi paused, seeming to study Iruka carefully. “How have you been?”

Iruka looked down into his lap, twisting his hands together nervously. And there it was: the elephant in the room. “I-I—I’ve been…I’m…” Iruka swallowed heavily, deciding he might as well just get it over with. “I’ve been better. This week wasn’t great. But I’m managing fine.”

“Are you?” Kakashi asked. “I don’t mean to pry, but…before I left, you were about as far from fine as I’ve ever seen you.”

“I know,” Iruka muttered, shrinking in on himself a little and avoiding Kakashi’s gaze. “It—It was kinda a rough day, if you remember. I was fighting for my life for most of it. And my closest childhood friend decided to tell me every way he ever tried to ruin my life all at once. Probably one of my worst days, if I think about it,” He tried to keep his tone humorous, but even his sarcasm was falling flat. It was all still too fresh, the hurt was still too real.

“I remember,” Kakashi murmured, letting the conversation pause as they ordered food. Once the waiter had gone, Kakashi turned his attention back to Iruka. “I don’t think I’ll forget any time soon, Iruka.”

“Can we—can we not talk about this?” Iruka asked, scratching at his scar out of nervous habit. “I know we said we would, but—I’m okay. I’ve dealt with it. I’d rather let it go.”

“We don’t have to, if you really don’t want to,” Kakashi sighed softly. “I just…you seemed really torn up about it. And I—why me, Iruka? Why did you come to me?”

“Please, Kakashi, I don’t want to—”

“I think you owe me that answer,” Kakashi said, his voice still low, but much more firm. “I was surprised, to say the least, by your visit. And I…I didn’t mind, Iruka. But I think I deserve that answer.”

Iruka hung his head, biting his tongue hard enough to draw blood. Everything Kakashi said was fair; he was within his rights to want to know why Iruka decided to come to his apartment, try to hook up with him, and then spend the better part of an hour crying to him instead. He deserved those answers. But Iruka didn’t have them.

“I—I don’t know,” he answered in a rush. “I…after we got back to the village, I just—I was so confused, and hurt, and I didn’t know where to go and I just…ended up there,” he muttered, sliding low in his seat.

“Okay,” Kakashi said slowly. “And…the rest of what happened, after you got to my house?”

Iruka felt his cheeks burn hot with shame, and he shot a glare up at Kakashi. “What do you want, huh? You want me to say that I loved Mizuki? Is that it? Fine! I had _feelings_ for Mizuki, and we used to be _lovers_ , and hearing that it was all a fucking lie made me feel really shitty about myself, and I wanted to feel like someone _cared,_ ” he slumped backwards, looking anywhere but at Kakashi. “It wasn’t the best coping strategy, I admit. It made me feel worse, as you noticed.”

Kakashi was silent for a long time, during which their food arrived. It went untouched by both men.

“That wasn’t what I was asking,” Kakashi finally said, shifting uncomfortably. “But I guess it does explain…some things,” he paused, seeming to start and then cut off a sentence several times before managing to speak again. “As far as…how long have I been your coping mechanism—?”

“No, that—that’s not what you are,” Iruka said quickly. “That’s not what I—that’s not what I meant,”

“Okay,” Kakashi was speaking slowly, carefully. “What did you mean, then?”

Iruka groaned softly, putting his face in his hands. “I don’t _know_ , Kakashi.”

“I just want to understand,” Kakashi leaned his elbows on the table, moving closer. “What exactly it is that you want from me, Iruka.”

“I—I…” Iruka trailed off, staring down at his shaking hands. What _did_ he want? He’d never tried to think about it before, or put it into any kind of words. He and Kakashi were…friends, in a way. They spent time together, even thought they spent a solid portion of that time either fighting or fucking. The fighting wasn’t ideal, but the fucking was good. And even when they weren’t doing either of those things…they had fun together. Iruka did, at least. He liked having Kakashi around, he missed him when he was out on long missions. He worried about him if he went longer than scheduled.

“Go on,” Kakashi encouraged.

“I—you _know_ what I want,” Iruka muttered, more to his lap than to Kakashi. It was a stupid thing to say, how the hell would Kakashi know? It felt stupid to say out loud, but it made _sense_ in Iruka’s mind. They were on the same wavelength when they were together and not fighting. Kakashi knew what Iruka needed and wanted before Iruka did, sometimes. Why couldn’t this just be one of those times?

“No, I really don’t,” Kakashi sighed.

“I—I don’t know how to say it,” Iruka managed, his cheeks burning red. “I don’t know, Kakashi, what do _you_ want?”

Kakashi shrugged, but it was clearly halfhearted. His stare became more distant, and he leaned back in his seat. Away from Iruka.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said softly. “Iruka…when you figure out what it is that you want…I really do wanna know.”

Iruka swallowed heavily, suddenly feeling like he’d somehow disappointed Kakashi immensely. He felt his stomach clench at the thought, looking down at his plate of lukewarm dinner. He wasn’t at all hungry anymore.

Both of them picked at their food for a few more minutes in silence, before deciding to give up and go home. They walked together until they hit the cross street that took them in differing directions, pausing for a long moment. They held each other’s gazes, both waiting and giving the other a chance to speak. Iruka broke the eye contact first, looking over his shoulder and turning to leave in shame.

“Iruka, wait,”

Iruka stilled, his heart hammering in his chest as he turned back to face Kakashi.

“I—whatever’s going on…with this,” Kakashi sighed, shaking his head a little. “If you end up at my door, for whatever reason. I’m here for you. Okay?”

“You know I don’t deserve it,” Iruka muttered, giving Kakashi a weak, but wry smile.

“Yeah, maybe not,” Kakashi reached his hand out tentatively, brushing his fingers over the back of Iruka’s hand gently. “But I’m offering. If you ever want to take it.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Iruka felt his cheeks heat up at the small touch, and he looked down at his feet. “Same. For you, I mean.”

Kakashi smiled softly, shoving his hands deep into his pockets once again. “Sounds good to me.”

Iruka nodded, his throat inexplicably dry. “Right. G’night, Kakashi.”

“G’night, Iruka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing like a madman lately, getting closer to finishing this story every day. I'm so excited to get it finished and posted for you all, I hope you're still enjoying. Hearing your thoughts makes my day! <3


	11. Chapter 11

After the awkward dinner, Iruka was surprised to find how at-ease he was around Kakashi. The tension he had built up within himself about seeing Kakashi again had gotten dissipated after their stilted conversation over dinner, no matter how uncomfortable it had been. And, even though nothing was really settled that night, it felt like he and Kakashi understood each other a little better. At the very least, there was another layer of each other’s walls that were down.

The village reached a point where Jonin were no longer being sent out on missions at breakneck speed, and shinobi were starting to be able to have downtime between missions again. Iruka had started to notice that the more downtime Kakashi had, he seemed to be getting…clingy. He was just _around_ a lot more, even if he and Iruka weren’t talking or acknowledging each other, he was very present. Iruka would catch him out the window in various trees sometimes when he was teaching, or in the halls of Hokage Tower when he was on mission desk shifts, or out with Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai when Iruka was out with Anko, Izumo, and Kotetsu. They’d started running into each other and ended up sharing meals at least once a week, and Iruka was starting to wonder if Kakashi was doing it on purpose. The thought brought both a flush as well as a small smile to his face, both of which he would have vehemently denied if caught. He’d been lonelier since Naruto had left, and it would make sense that Kakashi was too. Sasuke defected to Orochimaru, Naruto was away with Jiraiya, and Sakura was training exclusively with Tsunade. With no back-to-back missions and no students, he probably had an overwhelming amount of free time. And after spending so much time with three unruly kids, their sudden absence would be jarring.

With that thought in mind, Iruka pushed back from where he was sat at his desk in his classroom, heading over to the window and leaning out to scour the trees. He couldn’t see Kakashi, but that was to be expected. It didn’t matter, Iruka could sense him.

“Hey, Kakashi,” he called, deciding to ignore how silly he must look. “Stop lurking in the trees like a weirdo, and come in here.”

Iruka had just turned back to his desk when he heard a quiet thump from behind him, and he grinned. He knew without looking that Kakashi was, undoubtedly, perched on his windowsill.

“A weirdo, Sensei?” Kakashi asked, feigning hurt. “I’ll have you know, the trees outside the academy are excellent trees for reading in.”

“Yeah, it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re lonely?” Iruka challenged, raising an eyebrow.

Kakashi’s eye widened. “Me? I’m not lonely. Do I seem--”

“Yes,” Iruka laughed a little. “You kinda suck at this whole friendship thing, Kakashi. You don’t have to hang out so far away.”

Kakashi huffed indignantly, but didn’t deny anything. Iruka considered that a win.

“You’re always telling me that I suck at stuff,” Kakashi noted, stepping off the windowsill to lean onto Iruka’s desk. “Not that I don’t appreciate you keeping me humble, but why?”

Iruka smiled sheepishly, scratching at his scar out of habit. “I, uh. May have gotten angry drunk once. After a particularly bad report,”

“Which one?”

“The one that was on fire.”

Kakashi barked out a laugh, shaking his head a little. “That was definitely one of the worst.”

“Yeah, you’re an asshole. Anyway, I got angry drunk and was mad because Kotetsu said that you pulled shit with me because you were famous and good at everything and I…may have said that I was going to find out what you sucked at, and rub it in your smug face…?”

“Oh, my god,” Kakashi blinked rapidly in surprise, before dissolving into helpless giggles that he was unsuccessfully trying to stifle. “What, are you keeping a list?”

“Maybe I am,” Iruka muttered, feeling his face flush.

“Well, now that I know _this_ , I gotta give as good as I’m getting,” Kakashi grinned, leaning closer, placing his hands on Iruka’s desk.

Iruka raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “You really wanna make this a challenge, Hatake?”

“Oh, I _really_ do,”

“Okay…You dug your own grave, then,” Iruka grinned.

“Confident,” Kakashi hummed.

“Yeah, I’ve been doing this for a little while,” Iruka pointed out. “I’ve very in tune with how much you suck.”

Kakashi snorted. “I don’t think it’ll take me long to catch up,” he smirked, leaning closer and lowering his voice. “I can already name some things you suck at pretty well.”

Iruka flushed, whacking Kakashi’s shoulder sharply. “That’s not what I meant and you know it,”

“Aw, you’re no fun.”

“I’m at _work_ ,”

“You’re off the clock, aren’t you?”

“Well yes, but—” Iruka would have denied the squeak in his voice when Kakashi tugged his mask down, leaning closer and nuzzling under Iruka’s ear.

“You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about fooling around in here,” Kakashi murmured, tugging at Iruka’s earlobe with his teeth.

Iruka gasped softly, a shiver running down his spine. “Fuck, Kakashi, don’t tell me you have a teacher kink,”

Kakashi grinned, sliding the zipper on Iruka’s flak vest down slowly. “What would you do if I did, _Sensei?_ ”

Iruka whined softly, squirming a little in his seat. “Dammit, Kakashi, I have work to do…a-and other teachers are still here…!”

“Yeah?” Kakashi asked, sliding over Iruka’s desk to come up behind him, wrapping his arms around his chest and pressing his lips to the nape of his neck. “Maybe we should see if you have it in you to keep quiet,”

Iruka gasped sharply, biting down on his lip hard. He wrinkled up several of his students’ papers in his fist as Kakashi continued kissing across his neck, trying unsuccessfully to keep his breathing in check.

“Is this okay?” Kakashi murmured against Iruka’s neck. “I can stop if you want me to.”

“Don’t you _dare_ stop,” Iruka breathed out, feeling his cheeks flush hot.

Iruka felt Kakashi’s breath on the back of his neck as he chuckled low in his throat. Kakashi ran his fingers up under Iruka’s shirt, sucking a mark into his neck and pinching at one of Iruka’s nipples teasingly. Iruka let out a short, breathy sound, arching his back.

“Mm, remember, we’re being _quiet_ , Sensei,” Kakashi murmured, sliding his hands down to Iruka’s hips. He guided Iruka up and out of his chair, leaning him over his desk and pressing his body against him. Iruka went willingly, pushing his papers and supplies out of the way, paying little heed to the sound of his pens clattering to the floor.

Kakashi deftly undid the button and fly on Iruka’s pants, sliding them down Iruka’s thighs before smoothing his hands up over Iruka’s ass. Iruka bit his lip hard when Kakashi squeezed, pressing his hips back against Kakashi’s hands. He was acting desperate, but he couldn’t really care. It had been a while, and even though he would be loathe to admit it, being bent over a desk in his classroom was unbelievably hot.

Iruka’s eyes grew wide when he felt Kakashi’s breath on his skin, and had to bite back a sharp cry when he felt Kakashi’s tongue. Holy _shit_. Iruka was gripping the edge of the desk so hard his knuckles turned white, squeezing his eyes shut. His breath was coming out heavy, and he could do nothing but writhe against his desk and Kakashi’s mouth. Iruka wasn’t quiet in the best of situations, and Kakashi was being merciless; holding his hips steady in his hands as he flicked his tongue skillfully. Iruka gasped sharply, unable to hold back a weak, desperate moan when Kakashi pressed his tongue inside him. Iruka let his head drop between his arms, his breath coming out ragged as he bit at his lip hard in an attempt to stay quiet.

“Fuck, Kakashi,” Iruka whined softly, arching his hips back against Kakashi’s face. “I—ngh, fuck—”

He felt Kakashi’s quiet laugh more than heard it, his hips twitching gently against his desk. He let out another sharp noise when Kakashi wrapped his fingers around his cock, stroking him in firm, quick jerks. Iruka let out a string of garbled, whispered curses, turning and biting down hard on the back of his hand, muffling his long groan as he came hard against the desk.

Iruka let out a heavy, sated sigh, giving in to the weakness in his knees and sliding down to join Kakashi on the floor. Kakashi had leaned back to sit on his heels, and was giving Iruka a wicked grin as he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

“So…I think it’s pretty safe to say that one of the things _you_ suck at is keeping quiet,” Kakashi teased.

Iruka’s face burned, and he pulled his pants up quickly. “You cheated.”

Kakashi snorted, raising an eyebrow. “How so?”

“You…I—with your—it was cheating!” Iruka stammered out, ducking his head.

Kakashi laughed, still grinning that infuriatingly smug grin. “I accept your admission of defeat, Sensei.”

Iruka shot Kakashi a glare, that quickly turned into a smirk. “You think you could do better?”

“I think we can find out.”

Iruka grinned, standing and pulling Kakashi up with him. “You’re the one with the teacher kink, I think you should get a turn bent over the desk.”

Kakashi let out a soft, low moan, letting Iruka pull him closer by his hips and resting his hands on Iruka’s shoulders.

“Words cannot describe how much I want you do that, Iruka.”

Iruka raised himself up on his toes, catching Kakashi’s lower lip in his teeth and tugging back until it slipped from his teeth, noting how Kakashi’s grip tightened on his shoulders and he leaned in to follow Iruka’s motion. Iruka leaned in closer, smoothing his hands around to squeeze at Kakashi’s ass as he whispered:

“Kakashi…can I fuck you over this desk?”

Kakashi gasped sharply, digging his nails into Iruka’s shoulder as he shivered.

“God, yes, Iruka _please_ fuck me over this desk,” Kakashi’s voice was breathy and wanton, and it sent a thrill down Iruka’s spine.

“You think you can stay quiet when I fuck you over this desk?” Iruka purred, sliding down the zipper of Kakashi’s flak vest and pushing it off his shoulders.

“Not if you do it right,”

“I’m gonna make you fuckin’ scream,” Iruka murmured, turning Kakashi around and pushing him down over the desk. Kakashi stretched himself over the top of the desk, reaching to the far edge and gripping, spreading his legs as Iruka pressed closer.

“There’s lube and a condom in my vest,” Kakashi breathed out as Iruka opened his pants, sliding them down until they pooled at his ankles.

Iruka snorted, picking Kakashi’s vest off the floor and fishing through the pockets until he found the small bottle of lube and condom that were hidden in an inner pocket.

“Were you _planning_ to come here and seduce me, Hatake?”

“Mm, more like hoping,”

“Well, mission accomplished,” Iruka smirked, slapping Kakashi’s ass sharply. He popped open the bottle of lube, coating his fingers generously before pressing the pads of his fingers teasingly against Kakashi. “Remember…keep quiet.”

Iruka kept his eyes locked onto Kakashi’s face as he pushed his first finger in, his face contorting in the mild discomfort as he bit down hard on his lip in an attempt to stifle any noise. Iruka kept still for several moments, letting Kakashi adjust. He waited until Kakashi pressed his hips back impatiently, his cheeks and ears flushing pink.

Iruka grinned, starting to move his finger slowly, but not adding any more. Kakashi’s breath steadily grew heavier, and Iruka could tell he was driving him nuts. He pulled his finger out completely, pressing back in with two. Kakashi let out a long breath, squeezing his eye shut and letting his forehead rest against the desk. Iruka’s gaze didn’t stray from Kakashi’s face as he moved his fingers inside him, gradually adding more, taking particular care to massage the places that made Kakashi’s jaw drop open and his breath stutter. He kept it up until Kakashi’s thighs started to shake, leaning over and licking a long stripe up the back of Kakashi’s neck.

“Good?” Iruka murmured, biting at the shell of Kakashi’s ear. “You look fucking incredible like this, you know…I bet I could make you come just like this,”

Kakashi let out a soft grunt, his hips twitching back against Iruka’s hand. His face was flushed and sweaty, Iruka was pretty sure he’d bitten his lip bloody with the effort to keep quiet. He looked fucking _gorgeous_. Iruka twisted his wrist, crooking his fingers inside Kakashi and being rewarded with the most incredible noise from Kakashi. He arched his back, pressing his hips into Iruka’s fingers, letting out a loud, desperate whine. Kakashi _whined_. Iruka was _so_ far gone.

“Iruka, please,” Kakashi grit out the words through panted breaths. “I’m losing my fucking mind, ple— _ohfuck_ —please, _Iruka_ —”

Iruka smirked against Kakashi’s neck, nuzzling close and biting down hard on Kakashi’s shoulder. He could get used to Kakashi begging. He slipped his fingers out, wiping them off carelessly on his pants before tearing open the condom wrapper and rolling it on. He took Kakashi’s hips in his hands, pulling him back and grinding against him. He let himself indulge for a few moments without giving Kakashi anything, waiting until he was certain Kakashi was ready to scream in frustration before slowly pushing inside him, watching him grip the edge of the desk hard and choke out a soft, high-pitched moan.

Iruka paused when he was in to the hilt, reaching forward and tangling his fingers in Kakashi’s hair, tilting his head back away from the desk.

“Holy fuck, Kakashi,” Iruka nearly growled, rolling his hips forward gently. “You feel… _so_ good,”

Kakashi sucked in a sharp gasp when Iruka moved his hips, panting out loud breaths. He let out a hard huff of air with every thrust of Iruka’s hips, each one driving him closer to moaning. He let his head fall against the desk when Iruka released his hair, running his nails down Kakashi’s back to grip roughly at his hips again.

Kakashi did moan when Iruka dropped a hand down to stroke his cock, quickening his pace until they felt the desk start to slide forward beneath them. Kakashi grit his teeth, unable to completely hold back a high-pitched whimper as he came into Iruka’s hand, shuddering under him. Iruka only managed a few more sharp thrusts before he came, slumping over Kakashi with heavy breaths.

Kakashi groaned softly, relaxing against the desk as Iruka pulled out and moved off him slowly. He stayed there for a few moments, catching his breath before pushing himself up and turning around. Iruka had backed up a few steps to lean his back against the blackboard, his chest heaving slowly.

“Hey,” Iruka shot Kakashi a lazy smirk, licking his lips. “You also _suck_ at keeping quiet, Hatake.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi admitted, pulling his pants up and shaking his head slowly. “But if what I did was cheating, that _definitely_ was. Holy hell, Iruka.”

Iruka rolled his eyes a little, huffing out a breath.

“I’m serious,” Kakashi moved closer, leaning a hand on the wall beside Iruka’s head. “Where the hell was _that_ this whole time?”

Iruka flushed, shrugging a shoulder. “Maybe you should have asked to be bent over something sooner.”

“I really, _really_ should have,” Kakashi murmured, grinning. “And definitely should ask more often.”

“Yeah, well. You’ll get it when you deserve it,” Iruka teased.

Kakashi opened his mouth to retort, when a sharp knock at Iruka’s door made both of them nearly jump out of their skin. Iruka pushed Kakashi away from him quickly, grabbing both of their vests off the ground, pulling his on and shoving Kakashi’s into his chest. Kakashi pulled his mask and vest on, making it about halfway to the window before the door to Iruka’s classroom opened and another teacher stuck her head in.

“Iruka-sensei, I—oh, excuse me,” her eyes widened as she took in the room; a few of Iruka’s papers scattered on the floor, his desk about a foot forward from where it usually was, Kakashi and Iruka both looking like slightly disheveled deer in headlights. It certainly wasn’t the most subtle they’d ever been. Iruka felt like he might as well have had a neon sign blinking with the words “WE FUCKED IN HERE” over his blackboard.

“No, it’s fine, you’re not—interrupting anything,” Iruka cleared his throat quickly. “You need those practicals test scores, right? I think they’re…here somewhere…” Iruka felt his face flush as he realized how many of them were on the floor. He gathered them all quickly, stacking them neatly and handing them over. She didn’t look neither Iruka nor Kakashi in the eyes the entire time, and shut the door a little louder than necessary when she left.

Kakashi laughed softly once they were alone again, chancing a glance at Iruka.

“Your door wasn’t even locked?”

“Oh my god,” Iruka groaned, holding his face in his hands. “I never thought I’d be one of those teachers who got caught in a classroom after hours, Kakashi you’re a _terrible_ influence.”

“Eh, guilty,” Kakashi shrugged a shoulder. “But you love it.”

Iruka flushed pink. “I—You can’t prove anything.”

“I don’t need to,”

Iruka wrinkled his nose, folding his arms and all but scowling at Kakashi. Kakashi just laughed, nudging Iruka with his shoulder gently. Iruka nudged back, a little harder, his face breaking into a small smile when Kakashi stumbled sideways a little bit.

“Anyway, you have distracted me enough,” Iruka said firmly, moving back to his desk and pulling it back into its rightful place. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I had work to do.”

“That’s fair, that’s fair,” Kakashi relented. “I won’t bother you anymore,” he paused, leaning against the window frame for a few seconds. “If I promise to keep my hands to myself, can I read in here?”

Iruka snorted, pulling his pile of ungraded papers that he picked up off the floor closer to him. “I guess…but keep quiet or get smacked, Hatake.”

Kakashi grinned, settling onto the windowsill and pulling out his book. “I expected nothing less, Sensei.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this chapter early, since starting tomorrow I won't have the time to touch any of my writing for at least a week. I hope you guys can bear with me for a bit of a delay, and I hope you're all still enjoying. Thoughts and comments make my day every day <3


	12. Chapter 12

“I have a question,”

Iruka looked up from his papers, his head gently hitting the trunk of the tree he was sat under. He blinked up at Kakashi, sat up in the branches, who had closed his book and was looking down at him.

“Hm?”

“A little while ago, when you said I seemed lonely…you never said why you think that.”

Iruka laughed quietly, setting his papers down and tapping his pen against his lower lip in thought. “Besides the fact that you were hanging around me up in trees?”

“Yes, besides that.”

“I figured…all your students are gone, the whole village seems quieter without them. Naruto especially,” Iruka shrugged. “Without your students, and without all your missions, I figured it’s not a stretch that you’re bored and lonely. Am I wrong?”

Kakashi stayed silent for a stretch of time, looking out over the city. “I mean. I guess not. I just didn’t really think about it.”

“I know you didn’t,” Iruka smiled a little. “But I can tell. It happens to me at least once a year, I know the symptoms.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. “It does?”

“Of course it does,” Iruka shrugged, turning back to his papers and marking an answer wrong. “I miss my students when they graduate. The summer break after graduation is always weirdly quiet, and it’s always a little sad to know that I won’t be teaching them anymore. But my post-student loneliness only really lasts a few weeks, I get new students every year. You’re just kinda drifting,”

Kakashi blinked rapidly, letting Iruka’s words sink in for a few moments. “I mean. I guess you’re right,” he murmured. “I didn’t think I’d ever…”

Iruka looked back up at Kakashi as he let his sentence trail off, waiting a few moments to see if he’d finish his thought.

“Didn’t think you’d ever…what?” Iruka prompted, seeing that Kakashi seemed to have drifted off into his own thoughts.

“Hm?”

“What didn’t you think you’d ever do?”

“Oh,” Kakashi looked into his lap, shrugging a shoulder. “It’s nothing, I just…I didn’t think I’d ever teach. Never thought I’d like it, at all.”

“And now?”

Kakashi huffed out a small laugh. “Now…I think I’m starting to understand what you were saying, then. After that one mission, to Lord Third. I didn’t get it then. But I’m starting to.”

Iruka smiled softly, leaning back against the trunk of the tree with a small sigh. He’d thought about that moment a lot in his life, especially now that he was spending so much time with Kakashi. That was the first time they’d ever really met, and for the longest time Iruka didn’t think he’d made a good impression. Sometimes, before he and Kakashi started talking, he’d wondered if that mission and the aftermath were reasons that Kakashi mocked him so much. He thought that maybe Kakashi looked down on him for leaving active duty after one bad mission, that he thought Iruka was weak or giving up. And even though Iruka knew it wasn’t true, that he’d ran enough successful missions to know that he wasn’t just giving up. He’d known what he wanted to do for years, and was finally going after it. But a lot of Jonin he knew, and even some Chuunin, looked down on younger shinobi who became teachers. He was glad that Kakashi wasn’t one of them. At least, he wasn’t now.

“I’m glad, Kakashi.”

“I mean. I’m not thinking about hanging up the kunai and joining the academy, or anything.”

Iruka snorted. “You think I get to hang up my kunai? Those kids are more dangerous than some of your s-class criminals any day.”

“Oh, please,” Kakashi laughed. “You’re exaggerating.”

“Wanna bet?” Iruka challenged. “Trained professionals use tactics that can be familiar. Amateur children are unpredictable, and faster than you’d think.”

Kakashi laughed louder then, shaking his head. “That explains how you still hold your own. Incoming academy classes should be included in ANBU training.”

“You joke, but I’m not sure they could handle them,” Iruka grinned. “The shit they come up with is baffling. You thought _my_ pranks were useful in the field? The kids are surpassing me every day.”

“You must be so proud.”

“It brings a tear to my eye, it really does,” Iruka nodded. “Mostly because I have to deal with them.”

“ _I’m_ not gonna say you deserve it…but I hear your academy teachers might think so.” Kakashi teased.

“Yeah, yeah,” Iruka huffed, rolling his eyes. “Like you’re the first to make that joke.”

“I’m sure I won’t be the last, either.”

The two of them sat in silence for several moments, a breeze rustling the corners of Iruka’s papers. A few leaves from the tree they were sat at floated down around Iruka, and he looked back up toward Kakashi.

“Are you worried about him?”

Kakashi looked down from his book again. “Naruto?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s strong,” Kakashi said after a moment’s pause, shrugging a shoulder. “Getting stronger every day, no doubt. Especially with Jiraiya.”

“So, you’re worried.”

Kakashi’s eye widened in surprise for a second, before he let out a small laugh. “So, I’m that transparent, huh?”

“Yeah, kinda,” Iruka grinned. Kakashi muttered something under his breath and slouched back against the tree trunk, and Iruka rolled his eyes. Iruka sighed softly, leaning his head back and staring up at the sky, watching the leaves dance in the wind.

“I miss him, too,” he said softly. “And it’s only been a month.”

“Three years is a long time,” Kakashi mused. “I…I’m sure we’ll stay busy, though.”

“Busy hunting the crime syndicate that’s after him, you mean?”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, seeming to be struggling between whether or not he should, or could, answer.

“Asuma told me,” Iruka answered the question Kakashi didn’t ask. “Not a whole lot, but I know they exist. And I know Itachi and the big bad from Kiri are part of it.”

“Fair enough, I guess,” Kakashi murmured. “And yeah, a couple of us have been working on that.”

“I figured you were probably involved,” Iruka shrugged. “And also that you wouldn’t wanna talk about it.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Kakashi sighed heavily. “Honestly, you’d probably be helpful.”

Iruka shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m kind of used to playing support at this point.”

“Not that support isn’t needed,” Kakashi said quickly. “I’m a fan of yours, in particular.”

“You kissass,” Iruka snorted.

“For you, Sensei? Literally and figuratively.”

“Oh, my god,” Iruka groaned, flushing pink. “Not a subtle flirt, are you?”

“Maa, I thought we were well past subtlety.”

“Maybe,” Iruka admitted. “But you could at least keep it classy. _Woo_ me next time, huh?”

“You want wooing?” Kakashi grinned, slipping off of his tree branch to land next to Iruka. “Because I can deliver, Sensei.”

“Prove it,” Iruka challenged, raising an eyebrow. “I expect quality wooing next time.”

“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind,” Kakashi tucked his book away into his vest, turning back towards the city. “I’ll probably be gone for a while, though. I can’t say much, but…we got some info. Lady Hokage is putting an intelligence gathering team together, and she wasn’t subtle about hinting I’d be on it.”

“Oh,” Iruka looked down at the papers in his lap for a few moments, trying to quash the worry that started churning in his stomach upon hearing that. The people he would be hunting were dangerous, possibly more dangerous than anyone he’d faced before. But it was Kakashi, he always came back. And Iruka knew that was a dangerous thought, he was setting himself up for heartbreak if he expected anyone to always come back. But he couldn’t help it.

“Stay safe. Come back as soon as you can.”

“I can only do my best.”

Iruka smiled hesitantly. “Well, then there’s nothing to worry about.”

Kakashi looked confused for a second, before his arm came up to rub at the back of his neck sheepishly. He cleared his throat and Iruka almost laughed, it wasn’t like Kakashi to act so _shy_.

“I’ll, uh. Catch you when I get back, Sensei.”

“You know where I’ll be.”

___

Before Iruka knew it, months had passed, and winter had fallen over Konoha. Iruka thought about Naruto at least once a day. He knew he wasn’t in Konoha, he didn’t even know if he was even still in Fire Country. Same went for Kakashi, who was out on intelligence missions more often than not, each one dragging out longer than the next. Sometimes he’d manage to drop in and see Iruka between assignments, sometimes he wouldn’t. He never told Iruka much, not even when he came back covered in blood and dead on his feet. The only thing Iruka had managed to get out of him for certain was that he hadn’t run into Itachi again. He’d kept his tone and expression neutral in the way only Kakashi could, but Iruka could tell he was relieved.

Whatever Kakashi’s latest mission was had run long, very long. Iruka wasn’t sure what the predicted length of the mission was, but it had been a considerable amount of time. Iruka was starting to wonder about Kakashi’s safety. He didn’t let himself dwell on it, he did have his own life, after all. He’d been sent out on occasional missions on top of his other jobs, the regular pool of active-duty shinobi being thinned out as Akatsuki activity increased.

 _Akatsuki_. That’s another thing Iruka had managed to learn. The organization Itachi was a part of was called the Akatsuki, and Konoha barely knew enough about them to keep up. Though, of course, they probably knew more than was shared with Iruka.

As it were, Iruka didn’t find himself thinking of Kakashi all too often. There was no point in worrying and besides that, Iruka had the utmost faith in Kakashi. He’d survived worse than whatever mission he was on, Iruka was almost certain of it. But, on the occasion his thoughts did drift to Kakashi, it wasn’t completely devoid of nerves. He wasn’t worried, perse, but he was anxious. The last time he saw Kakashi, he didn’t look good. Well, he looked just like he always did, but he was noticeably exhausted. His shoulder slump was weary and exaggerated, his visible eye drooped and blinked even slower than usual, and his voice was strained and gravelly. He’d left on this mission not long after their brief meeting, and that was when Iruka allowed himself to worry. Kakashi was one of the best, to be sure, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have limits. Iruka didn’t want to think about what would happen if he reached that limit in pursuit of an enemy the likes of the Akatsuki.

It was nearing 3am, on the day that marked three months since Kakashi’s departure on the mission, when Iruka was suddenly and inexplicably roused from sleep. He jerked up from his pillow with his heart racing, glancing around his room in a bit of a panic before he regained his bearings. He was home, in his bed. He couldn’t even sense anyone in or around his house. He took in a deep breath, just about having convinced himself to settle down and go back to sleep, when there was a sharp rapping at his window.

The sound made Iruka flinch, gasping sharply and reaching instinctually for the kunai under his pillow. He shook his head, almost laughing at himself for his paranoia. If someone wanted to attack him, they wouldn’t knock first. It was probably a summons of some kind…though what anyone would need Iruka for at three am, he had no idea.

Iruka stowed his kunai back under his pillow and slipped out of bed, pulling his curtains aside and opening his window. No sooner was the window open then did a body all but fall into Iruka’s room. Iruka’s first instinct was to dodge, though he did manage to catch them under the arm and prevent whoever it was from falling face-first onto the ground.

“Hey, whoa—Kakashi?” Iruka paused once he’d gotten Kakashi on his feet again, still holding onto his arm to help keep him upright. He didn’t recognize Kakashi, in the dark of his room with his mind still fuzzy with sleep. That aside, he could forgive himself for not realizing because of the fact that Kakashi was in a full face mask. An ANBU mask, specifically. While somewhere in his mind, Iruka knew that Kakashi had served in ANBU, seeing him in the uniform was something different entirely. Wasn’t Kakashi out?

“Kakashi? Hey, talk to me,” Iruka’s mind was racing. Kakashi was breathing, and mostly supporting his won weight. Those were good signs. But he also couldn’t help but harken back to memories from long ago, when he was still very young. He was out with his mother, when a wounded ANBU soldier stumbled back into the village and across their path. Iruka had moved to go help, but his mother held him back. ANBU were still dangerous when they returned wounded, she said. Still on their guard, still viewing unfamiliar people as threats. And while Iruka knew that Kakashi knew him, he couldn’t help but feel on-edge.

“I…ruka…” Kakashi finally spoke, leaning into Iruka’s arms a little more. “Sorry…shouldn’t have come…”

“Holy shit,” Iruka breathed, shifting his hold on Kakashi to try and keep him up. “What the hell happened to you? Are you hurt?”

“Not…not too bad,” Kakashi murmured, slumping further against Iruka’s side. It sounded like he mumbled something else, but between the slurring of his words and the muffling from both his masks, Iruka had no idea what he was saying.

“Shit, Kakashi, you’re clearly exhausted,” Iruka turned, half-dragging Kakashi towards his bed and flopping him unceremoniously down onto the mattress. Kakashi groaned softly when his head hit the pillow, trying to raise his arm but failing. Iruka reached up slowly, cautiously gripping the edge of Kakashi’s hound mask and sliding it off his head. Both of Kakashi’s eyes were exposed and open, and if Iruka didn’t know better he would have sworn that his Sharingan glowed red in the dark. Iruka reached, slowly, for his own headband on the bedside table, gently covering Kakashi’s left eye.

Kakashi noticeably relaxed once the Sharingan was covered, and seemed to be struggling to keep his other eye open. Iruka paused, pushing his hair out of his face, trying to think.

“The hospital,” he finally managed. “Let me get you to the hospital—”

“No,” Kakashi murmured, squeezing his eye shut. “No hospital.”

“You’re hurt! You need medical attention, don’t be a stubborn ass—”

“Please,”

Kakashi’s voice was weak, and pleading, and it made Iruka snap his mouth shut so hard his teeth clacked. His eyes darted over Kakashi’s body, trying to assess if Kakashi was in desperate, immediate danger. He was bruised, definitely. But there wasn’t a lot of blood, and he didn’t seem like he had any major broken bones. At worst, he was chakra-depleted and exhausted, probably dehydrated as well. None of those things would kill him if he didn’t go to the hospital tonight.

“Just…need sleep,” Kakashi murmured.

“Why did you come _here_ , then?” Iruka asked, much softer than before.

“Don’t know,” Kakashi’s eye slipped shut. “I just wanted…”

He trailed off as his breathing started to even out, and Iruka knew he was falling asleep as they spoke. He groaned quietly, setting Kakashi’s mask down on his bedside table before reaching for the fastenings on his chest plate.

“Hey. You can’t sleep in armor. Hey, up,” Iruka snapped his fingers in front of Kakashi’s face. “Armor off, then sleep. Mask, too. I don’t know how you breathe in that thing.”

Kakashi made a small noise in protest, but Iruka tugged insistently at his armor until Kakashi sat up enough that Iruka could pull it off. Once his torso was bare, Iruka let Kakashi flop back down, boneless as Iruka took off his arm plates and mask. Once his upper half was free from armor, Iruka moved down to tug off Kakashi’s sandals. He paused at the side of his bed, looking down at Kakashi with a small yet heavy sigh. He was woken up at three am, after not seeing Kakashi for months, and now Kakashi was passed out cold in his bed.

He turned around, resigning himself to sleeping on his couch for the rest of the night, when he felt fingers brushing over his wrist. He turned back to look at Kakashi, who’s managed to get his eye barely open.

“What?” Iruka asked, moving closer. “Do you need something?” when Kakashi remained silent, Iruka sighed again. “Well if you need something, I’ll be out on the couch.”

“No,” Kakashi murmured, frowning. “Stay.”

Iruka’s eyes widened, and he felt his cheeks heat up a little. “What?”

“Your bed,” Kakashi let his eye slip shut again. “Not fair. There’s room. Stay.”

Iruka paused, watching as Kakashi drifted off. He couldn’t really argue with the logic, it _was_ his bed, and there _was_ room. He shook his head slowly, moving around to the other side of the bed and climbing back inside. He could deal with Kakashi and drag him to the hospital tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you all for your patience while I dealt with my hectic week. The worst of it is over, so I'll be back to writing like a madman again. Your thoughts and comments make my day! <3


	13. Chapter 13

When Iruka awoke the next morning, he was unusually, pleasantly warm. There was a loose, comfortable weight over his shoulders, and Iruka wanted nothing more than to just sink back into sleep. It took him a moment before he realized anything unusual, and as soon as he did, he shot up from his pillow. Or, at least, what he was using as his pillow. Which, in reality, was Kakashi’s chest.

“Morning,”

Iruka looked down to see Kakashi giving him a small, sleepy smile, Iruka’s headband over his eye. Kakashi stretched the arm Iruka had been lying on over his head, letting out a soft noise as he did so. Iruka flushed red, realizing that he, in the night, had completely managed to cuddle up to Kakashi. He had his head on Kakashi’s chest, and their legs were still slightly tangled together.

“What…I—you’re awfully smug for a guy who was near death last night,” Iruka managed to stammer out, avoiding Kakashi’s gaze. Kakashi still didn’t look good by any means; his arms and torso were covered in mild cuts and not so mild bruises, and despite sleeping the rest of the night he was still clearly exhausted.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Kakashi did, at least, have the decency to look sheepish. “You don’t seem to have minded very much, all things considered.”

“Shut up,” Iruka huffed, poking at one of Kakashi’s darker bruises before turning away. 

“Ow,” Kakashi laughed softly, reaching up and tugging gently at the ends of Iruka’s hair to get his attention. “I really am sorry for showing up like this and stealing your bed.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Iruka murmured. “You scared me a little, in that uniform.”

“Right. I’m sorry,” Kakashi did actually sound genuine. “I shouldn’t have come here so late.”

“Why did you?”

Kakashi was quiet for a moment, and Iruka glanced back at him. He seemed to be thinking hard about his answer, and Iruka wasn’t sure why that made him nervous.

“I don’t really know how to explain it,” Kakashi murmured. “I was gone for so long, when I started heading back home, I wasn’t really thinking about it. I just wanted to get back, and when I got back I just…kept going until I was here. I wasn’t really conscious of it, but I wanted…to see you, I guess.”

“Oh,” Iruka knew he was probably blushing. He didn’t really know how to interpret this. He didn’t mind, not at all. It was a little scary to be woken up that way, but he did promise Kakashi that he could come to his door for any reason. He supposed the same went for his window as well. He also felt a strange warmth in his chest at the thought of how much Kakashi much trust him in order to come here in the state he was in.

“Sorry for the commotion,” Kakashi apologized again. “Feel free to kick me out of your bed whenever you want.”

“It’s fine,” Iruka shrugged a shoulder, giving in to his laziness and flopping back down beside Kakashi. “You’re lucky you came on a day off, or you’d have been woken up for school.”

Kakashi shrugged a shoulder, turning onto his side to better face Iruka. Iruka’s headband slid off his eye as he did so, and he pushed it aside on the pillow.

“Kakashi?” Iruka asked softly, waiting until Kakashi met his eye to continue his thought. “I…are you back in ANBU?”

“No,” Kakashi said firmly, shaking his head. “No. I’m out. This…no one was supposed to know,” he sighed softly. “I’d appreciate…if you mention this to anyone else, leaving this detail out.”

“Of course,” Iruka responded immediately. “No, I—I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Thanks,” Kakashi let out a breath in relief. “No one’s really…supposed to know about…who’s in or out.”

Iruka raised an eyebrow, letting his finger trace over the tattoo on Kakashi’s shoulder gently. “Kinda hard to keep it secret when they brand you,” Kakashi’s skin erupted into goosebumps at Iruka’s feather-light touch.

“Yeah, well. A lot of us are in for life, so it doesn’t really matter.”

Iruka dropped his gaze, the implication of Kakashi’s statement not getting lost on him. A lot of people never made it to life after ANBU. Iruka was pretty sure he could list all the living ex-ANBU he knew without even filling one hand.

“I know you’re…not allowed to talk about it,” Iruka murmured, his finger still absentmindedly tracing the faded swirl inked into Kakashi’s shoulder. “Like…details, and missions, and stuff. But if you wanted to talk about stuff you _are_ allowed to talk about…”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, his lips quirking up in a small smile.

“Still trying to get all my secrets, huh?”

Iruka bristled a little, opening his mouth to object when Kakashi laughed.

“I’m kidding, Iruka,” he murmured, reaching up to where Iruka’s finger stilled at his shoulder and hooking his own finger around it.

“Jerk,” Iruka huffed out softly, his eyes drawn to where their fingers were linked together. “Don’t make fun of me when I’m trying to be nice.”

“I can’t help it,” Kakashi shrugged. “But really…thank you.”

Iruka felt his cheeks heat up as Kakashi gave his finger a gentle squeeze, struck suddenly by how close they were. That wasn’t unusual, not in the past year. But this kind of quiet, gentle intimacy in Iruka’s bed, before either of them were completely awake, was a form of closeness than Iruka was afraid to let himself get used to. He lifted his gaze from where their fingers were entwined up to Kakashi’s face, his breath catching slightly when their eyes met. He’d never seen that look on Kakashi’s face before, he was sure he hadn’t seen that look on _anybody’s_ face before. He felt his heartbeat stutter in his chest, and he was completely, overwhelmingly drawn closer to Kakashi.

Kakashi shifted at the same time Iruka did, their noses bumping together gently as Iruka leaned up to meet Kakashi’s motion. They both hesitated at the contact, Kakashi’s eye searching Iruka’s face carefully. Iruka felt Kakashi’s breath ghosting over his lips, and it sent a thrill down his spine. He _liked_ this amount of closeness, he _liked_ the sleepy sort of warmth between the two of them. He liked it too much.

“I, um,” Iruka stammered, his words barely louder than a whisper. “I—I should, uh…”

“Right,” Kakashi murmured, shifting back. He’d barely moved an inch, and Iruka immediately wanted him back. “I should…get out of your bed. I need to actually report back in to Lady Hokage.”

“Oh,” Iruka let out a heavy breath as Kakashi sat up, feeling like someone was squeezing his insides in their fists. “Yeah, that’s…probably a good idea.”

“Thanks for letting me crash here. You didn’t have to.”

“I said you could come to my door for whatever,” Iruka murmured, resisting the strange and foreign urge to ask Kakashi to stay. Kakashi couldn’t stay. He had to complete his mission, and Iruka…Iruka had to do something to get his mind off whatever this feeling was.

The mattress shifted under Iruka as Kakashi stood, collecting the armor that Iruka had pulled off him last night and starting to re-dress himself. Iruka watched him suit up in his armor silently, noting how his demeanor changed the more he put on. Whatever haze they had been in this morning was over, Kakashi the soldier was back the moment the armor was on.

Kakashi turned to glance at Iruka once more as he picked up his mask, seeming to hesitate before putting it on. He turned his back to Iruka as he donned the mask, slipping out the window the same way he came in, albeit this time with more grace and far less noise.

Iruka sighed heavily, dragging his hands down his face slowly. This was way more than he signed up for when he let Kakashi crash in his house. He knew he shouldn’t have slept beside him, but he was tired, and his bed was close, and Kakashi was warm. Kakashi was very warm, and comfortable, and smelled unfairly good. How was a half-awake Iruka supposed to be able to fight against Kakashi holding his hand, or the way he looked at him like…like Iruka was the only thing that mattered in that moment. Or how he clearly wanted to kiss Iruka. Or just how deeply Iruka wanted to kiss him back.

Shit. That’s feelings. Those were _feelings_. Somehow, over the past almost-year of talking, spending time, and occasionally hooking up with Kakashi, he’d started to like Kakashi. He liked him a _lot_. After a while, even the bickering and teasing didn’t seem so bad when he knew that they could also laugh and connect with each other better than Iruka would have ever thought they could.

Iruka groaned softly, staring up at the ceiling without really seeing it. He’d ask himself how this could’ve happened, but it was pretty obvious in hindsight. Of _course_ he was going to be the one who fucked this all up, he was the one who fucked everything up. He couldn’t have _feelings_ for Kakashi. It wouldn’t end well. They were happy like this, doing…whatever this was. This was comfortable. Familiar. Besides, neither of them really wanted anything with _feelings_. Iruka didn’t date, hadn’t even tried to since everything that happened with Mizuki was comparable to a dumpster fire. It was pretty clear after that that Iruka and dating didn’t mix. And Kakashi…Kakashi definitely didn’t date. It wasn’t practical for the kind of life they had. What they had was perfectly fine, and Iruka would be stupid to get his hopes up that it ever could be anything different.

Besides, what he felt for Kakashi…it would go away. He was just a little confused after missing him for months and then having him so close again. It was a stupid crush. Inconvenient, to be sure. But not a game changer.

He just needed to make sure Kakashi never found out. They could carry on like they always did, nothing needed to be different. Iruka didn’t _want_ anything to be different. The idea of _dating_ Kakashi Hatake was absurd, it was laughable.

And now that he imagined it, Iruka couldn’t get the thought out of his mind.

He groaned again, louder this time, pulling his pillow out from under his head and burying his face into it. He was well and truly fucked now. Izumo, Anko, and Kotetsu would never let him live it down if they knew. And they would know, Iruka was always notoriously terrible at hiding who he had crushes on. He needed to get this out of his system, and fast.

He sat up suddenly, pulling his sheets and blankets off his bed as he did so. Step one was make his bed _not_ smell like Kakashi. He’d figure out what the rest of the steps were after that.

Iruka leaned against his washing machine with a sigh once he got all his sheets in the wash. Leave it to Kakashi to find new and interesting ways to make Iruka’s life hell without even meaning to.

The fond smile crept its way onto Iruka’s face before he could stop it. He shook his head a little, rolling his eyes at himself. He didn’t have to have it this fucking _bad_ already, did he? Kakashi hadn’t even been back for a full day yet, and so much had changed. That just wasn’t fair.

Iruka sighed again, making his way toward his bathroom for a much needed shower. He needed to clear his head before his emotions managed to get him wrapped up in something even dumber than convincing him that he’d fallen for Kakashi Hatake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick little chapter in which Iruka finally gets his head out of his own ass about his emotions. I hope you all are still enjoying, your thoughts and comments make my day! <3


	14. Chapter 14

After Iruka’s slow morning in bed, he’d admit he was a little flustered when he looked at the time and subsequently remembered everything he intended to do today.

The grading he didn’t mind putting off a little longer, he’d stayed up late at night grading before and he’d do it again. But there were errands he needed to run, and it had been a long time since he’d gotten any training in. He pulled on an older set of his standard blacks and threw his hair into a messy ponytail, loading up his vest with training materials and heading out. He’d train first, and get groceries on the way home…and probably indulge himself with ramen while he graded papers.

He ran into Izumo and Kotetsu at the training grounds, as they were meeting up with Genma and Raidou. Izumo greeted Iruka cheerfully when he arrived, beckoning him over.

“You guys still do that team sparring?” Iruka asked, gesturing toward the training field they’d selected.

“Sure do,” Kotetsu grinned. “You wanna join, ‘Ruka?”

“Oh, that’d be fun!” Izumo’s eyes grew big. “You should!”

“That just seems like a bad idea for me,” Iruka raised an eyebrow. “You two will team up, Gen and Raidou will team up, and I’m just by myself.”

Kotetsu muttered something under his breath and Izumo swatted him. Iruka would have bet his next mission payment that he heard Kakashi’s name somewhere in that muttering, and he decided he didn’t want to know.

“What’s the matter, ‘Ruka, you scared of us?”

Iruka narrowed his eyes, shooting Kotetsu a glare. “Oh, you _wish_. Bring it.”

Kotetsu crowed triumphantly as Genma and Raidou arrived, shouting at them gleefully about how it was four against one today, which earned him a smack from both Iruka and Izumo. And, as much as Kotetsu claimed to be joking, the sparring match turned into just as much of a “let’s-gang-up-on-Iruka” scenario as Iruka had initially feared. It was unfair, to be sure, and Iruka fully planned to give them all an earful about it later. But he couldn’t deny that it was one of the best workouts he’d had in a very long time. Despite the odds being so harshly stacked against him, he’d managed to stay in the game long enough and raise enough hell on the other four that it was Genma who called the match, not Iruka. He’d probably be proud of that for longer than really was reasonable.

He fell into step with Izumo and Kotetsu as they were leaving the training grounds, semi-tuning out their conversation as he mentally ran through the rest of the things he wanted to get done that day. He was pulled from his thoughts when Izumo nudged his side with an elbow, looking at him expectantly.

“Sorry, what?” Iruka asked, blinking a few times to try and re-focus on his friends.

“I said, Hatake got back to the village today,” Kotetsu repeated. “Saw him checking in this morning.”

Iruka felt his cheeks heat up, and he looked down at the pavement. He didn’t want to think about how obvious he must be in order for people to think to let him know when Kakashi returned from missions.

“I know,” he shrugged, trying to sound as casual as possible. “What of it?”

“You know?” Kotetsu’s eyebrow raised.

“Yeah,” Iruka answered carefully, looking back over at his friends. “I saw him.”

“He was at Hokage Tower for all of fifteen minutes before being sent out again. When did you see him?”

Iruka took a second to frown at the news that Kakashi had been sent out so soon, after the condition he’d come back in last time. By the time Kotetsu’s question sunk in, Iruka was certain that his face was bright red. Shit. In his attempt to sound casual, he may have implicated himself considerably worse than he already was.

“He, uh. He stopped by. Last night.” He might as well be honest. He’d get made fun of, for sure, but it was better than trying to make up a lie that would inevitably lead to his foot in his mouth.

“Last night, huh?” Izumo grinned, nudging Iruka with his elbow again.

“Oh my god, shut up, it wasn’t anything like that!” Iruka protested as Kotetsu wolf whistled. “He was hurt and exhausted. All we did was sleep.”

It wasn’t until that was met with surprised silence that Iruka started to realize how suspiciously intimate the situation he described was. Hooking up with Kakashi was understandable. It was a weird progression from picking fights with each other, but it was easy to explain. Kakashi coming to his apartment post-mission just to sleep wasn’t something that friends did, it wasn’t even something that fuck buddies did.

“Shut up,” Iruka repeated, redundant in the face of his friends’ silence. “It wasn’t…stop trying to read more into it than it was.”

“I _mean_ —”

“Right,” Izumo cut Kotetsu off with a swift elbow to the side, smiling at Iruka. “I’m glad you got to see him before he left again.”

“I didn’t need to,” Iruka insisted, knowing it was a lie and knowing his friends were just humoring him my agreeing with it. “We’re only sort of friends half of the time, you know. It’s not like we’re co-dependent.”

“We know,” Izumo assured him. “We just figured…maybe if this was one of the times you were sort of friends, you might wanna know. That’s all. Not trying to read between any lines, or anything.”

Iruka frowned slightly, recognizing that Izumo was assuring him way too much. Iruka was transparent, and he knew it. God, Izumo and Kotetsu knew about the _feelings_ even before _he_ did. That was honestly pretty embarrassing. Iruka was stubborn by nature, and the last thing he wanted to have to do was admit to his friends that they had been right all along. Iruka still had his pride, at least for now he did. Hopefully, with any luck, his inconvenient feelings for Kakashi would fade before he had to deal with any “I-told-you-so’s”.

Iruka excused himself from the conversation, which thankfully had moved to topics beyond Iruka’s fucked up love life, so he could make a pit stop at the grocery store before heading home. He sat down at his table once he put his food away, pulling his stack of ungraded papers towards himself and trying to concentrate on grading. He only lasted a paper and a half before his mind started to wander. He couldn’t believe that they sent Kakashi out on another mission after how he looked even after a night’s sleep. Was this how it was going to be for the entire three years Naruto was gone? Kakashi and the rest of the Jonin were going to be run ragged until they wore themselves to death, or until the Akatsuki was neutralized.

Or, he supposed, until the Akatsuki neutralized all of them and got their hands on Naruto. That was also an option.

Iruka groaned, pushing his papers away and putting his face in his hands. He hated this. He hated having this sense of impending doom from an unseen force stretching over years of his life. He hated having to stay in the village like nothing was wrong while people he cared about were being hunted. He hated feeling like he may never see those people ever again. The harsh reality of life as a Shinobi wasn’t lost on Iruka, it never had been. The reality of loss had been an open wound in Iruka’s heart since he was ten years old. But the slow uncertainty of _waiting_ for what felt like an inevitable tragedy was grating at Iruka’s nerves like no previous loss ever had. He was used to loss being sudden, jarring, and swift. The sharp pain of having something torn away without warning was much easier to weather than a slow, gradually building ache. He’d been without a real family for so long as a child, he’d forgotten how horrible it could be to feel the deep fear of loss. He supposed he was still a little unaccustomed to have so much to lose.

Iruka sighed heavily, moving away from the table and letting himself fall onto his back onto his living room floor. He’d known for years that someday, eventually, he was going to have to feel like this. He knew long ago that there was no way he was going to be able to keep Naruto safe in the village forever. He’d been preparing himself for this since he’d first realized how much he’d come to love that little hellion, it wasn’t supposed to be this hard. And Kakashi…well he’d admit, he’d had less time to prepare in that regard. But even so, there was no way he’d ever be able to prevent Kakashi Hatake from danger. It was an unreasonable request of any Shinobi, himself included. He knew he would never choose to give up his duty for personal safety, and he would never ask someone else to do the same.

But that didn’t mean that a tiny, selfish part of him didn’t _want_ to. It didn’t mean he _never_ thought about how different his life would be if no one he ever cared about ever had to be in danger. He always tried not to think about it at all, as it always made the ache in his chest worse. Iruka squeezed his eyes shut, willing the mental images to go away. He couldn’t take how cruelly picturesque it was, not when he had the most of two years left in this limbo of not knowing if and when he’d see the people he cared about again.

Iruka curled up on his side, allowing his thoughts to drift toward memories of his parents. He’d loved his parents with his entire heart, loved them freely and openly as all children would. When they were gone, it had felt like part of Iruka’s soul had been ripped away. He’d been much less open with his affections since then, more guarded with his feelings. He clung to the childish notion that unexpressed affection couldn’t hurt when it was gone, and denied emotions couldn’t be felt. He never truly understood his friends, who told him that they took their opportunities at love when they had them, because then at least they had memories to look back on. Iruka hated memories. They always came to him at night, torturing him with pretty images of wonderful things he couldn’t have. But here, now, knowing that the people he cared about were alive but he was still unable to reach them, he wondered if maybe his friends had been right. He’d always assumed that Naruto knew how much he cared, but what if he didn’t? A boy as extraordinary as him, who brought so much to Iruka’s life…he deserved to know with no uncertainty. And Kakashi…

Kakashi had a right to know. What he made of that knowledge, and how he responded to it, was up to him.

Maybe the next time Iruka could see Kakashi, he’d be brave enough to bring it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry for how delayed this chapter was. My work schedule is still a little hectic, and my brain was not cooperating in terms of creative inspiration towards this particular story. But I'm finally pleased with this chapter enough to post it. As always, your thoughts and comments make my day. <3


	15. Chapter 15

The next time Iruka saw Kakashi, he was not brave enough to bring it up.

He tried to be. He _wanted_ to be _._ He had every intention of just…being honest and getting it over with. But when he got close to the subject, it’s like the words got physically stuck in his throat. The more Iruka tried to form his thoughts into words, the more flustered he became, and out of frustration with his own self he ended up snapping at Kakashi like he usually did.

This became a distressing pattern for Iruka, that lasted the rest of the years Naruto was away. He’d spend time with Kakashi, things would go well, he’d think about telling Kakashi the truth, he’d get overwhelmed, and he’d act like a dick. It never seemed like any skin off Kakashi’s back, he would usually just laugh or trade barbs with Iruka, but Iruka felt like shit about it.

Iruka Umino was not a coward. Iruka wasn’t _afraid_ of having feelings for Kakashi. That wasn’t it, it couldn’t be. He wasn’t afraid of the feelings, and he certainly wasn’t afraid of how Kakashi would react to them.

The worst part of the entire scenario was the fact that his “inconvenient, but temporary” crush on Kakashi had lasted the entire three years Naruto was away for training. He’d honestly be laughing at himself if he weren’t so miserable.

Naruto returning to the village was a welcome distraction from Iruka’s current war with his own emotions. The entire week that he was expected back, Iruka felt like his entire body was vibrating. He couldn’t sit still if his life depended on it, and his academy lessons definitely suffered that week because he was so easy to distract. He didn’t even ant to think about how many sub-par mission reports he accepted without question because he spaced out while reading them and didn’t want to admit it.

When Naruto finally returned, Iruka felt lighter than he’d had in months. He didn’t even get to see Naruto on the first day, but just knowing that Naruto was home in the village was enough for now to put Iruka in as calm of a state as he’d been in in far too long.

When Iruka did get to see Naruto, the day after he arrived in the village, he spent several happy hours simply listening to Naruto chatter nonstop about everything that happened to him from the day he left through until the day he got back. Iruka barely got a word in edgewise, but he didn’t mind at all. He was more than content to listen as Naruto told his entire story in between practically inhaling bowls of ramen. It wasn’t until Naruto asked what he’d been doing for three years that Iruka had to give pause. He’d ended up shrugging the question off with a laugh, saying that’d he’d been doing the same as always; teaching and working in the village. It wasn’t like he lied. He wasn’t going to tell Naruto any details about his emotional issues.

He ended the night by congratulating Naruto on his new team assignment, though his smile hid a slightly heavy heart. The past few days, when Naruto was expected back at any moment, Kakashi had been held back from missions in order to be home to assess Naruto as soon as he arrived. He’d spent most of his time off thoroughly bothering Iruka at any chance he could, both of them antsy and eager to see Naruto again. Iruka had kind of gotten used to Kakashi’s presence, especially after he’d been out on long missions so often. He supposed that was all about to go away. He’d only just gotten Naruto and Kakashi back in the village again, he selfishly didn’t want them to leave so soon.

Iruka didn’t expect for Kakashi to land on his windowsill that night, though he also really couldn’t say it was a complete surprise. He flicked open the lock of his window without a word, turning back to his papers as Kakashi slipped inside and shut the window behind him with a click.

“So, did the kids really defeat you with a fake ‘Icha Icha’ spoiler?”

Kakashi groaned, slumping into a chair opposite Iruka. When Iruka glanced up from his paper, he could see the tips of Kakashi’s ears had turned pink. “He told you, huh?”

“Of course,” Iruka grinned. “You should be embarrassed.”

“Oh, let me assure you, I’m appropriately embarrassed,” Kakashi snorted. “But I’m proud of them. They’re incredible. Naruto’s strategy skills alone. And Sakura’s so _strong_ now. She almost killed me twice.”

The pure, glowing happiness and pride in both Kakashi’s voice and face had Iruka chuckling softly as he pushed his work aside. “You three are gonna be one hell of a team,” he pointed out. “You…have a mission yet?”

“Not yet,” Kakashi shrugged. “Why, hoping to keep me in the village a little longer?”

Iruka knew Kakashi was teasing, and his go-to was to tease back. But his impulsive mouth was spilling the truth before he could really think about it.

“Yes.”

Kakashi’s eye widened as Iruka’s cheeks heated up, and Iruka averted his eyes quickly.

“You deserved this rest after all that you—and Naruto just got back! I just,” Iruka sighed softly. “I know I can’t keep you from missions. I just…want you all to be safe.”

“That’s not really how life works for us, Sensei.”

“I know that,” Iruka’s voice came out much sharper than he intended it to be. “I wasn’t saying I expected it to actually happen. I know it won’t. I know there’s never a guarantee that anyone will ever come back to me, or that I’ll come back to anyone else. But I _want_ it, just as much as anyone.”

Kakashi’s face was blank, as per his usual. Expressionless, but perfectly attentive. Unreadable.

“You know, some people might call that weakness.”

“Would you?”

“No,” Kakashi kept his gaze level with Iruka’s, calm in the face of Iruka’s ire. “I wouldn’t. But it’s a dangerous want, Sensei.”

“I _know_ that,” Iruka’s fist clenched tightly where it rest on the table. “But I can’t stop myself from feeling, Kakashi, I’m not _you_.”

Kakashi stiffened, only for a second, but it was enough for Iruka to notice. Shit. There he’d gone again, saying something stupid and overly aggressive and uncalled for. It wasn’t easy to strike a nerve with Kakashi, but Iruka seemed to have an exceptional knack for it.

“Believe me when I say I’m no stranger to feeling, Iruka,” Kakashi said, his voice low. “And that I know too well what makes it dangerous.”

Iruka winced, dropping his gaze toward his hand. “I know. Kakashi, I’m—”

“I need to go, anyway,” Kakashi’s tone was lighter as he stood, but Iruka could tell it was forced. “I have to put together a team dossier to submit. Wouldn’t want my paperwork to be late. And I should find out what the ending to Icha Icha actually is.”

“Right,” Iruka’s voice came out oddly strangled. “I…good night, Kakashi.”

“Good night, Sensei.”

The only sound that detailed Kakashi’s exit was the same, familiar click of Iruka’s window closing. Of course, the days they spent playfully getting on each other’s nerves couldn’t end on a high note. Nothing that ever happened between them ever seemed to end on a high note. Iruka wasn’t sure what exactly he thought he was playing at, or who he was trying to fool besides himself. He didn’t know how he thought he could ever talk to Kakashi about what he was feeling; every time he got close to being vulnerable, his defenses snapped up with a biting retort that ruined any chance of real, sincere emotions. He sabotaged himself every _time_.

Maybe he was going about this all wrong. If he couldn’t _say_ it, maybe he should…try and figure out something else to do. _Show_ Kakashi, somehow. It wasn’t as good or as clear as just using his damn words, but…maybe he’d get lucky, and Kakashi would bring it up instead.

Or, maybe Iruka could just never look anyone in the eyes again so he wouldn’t have to deal with this. Iruka groaned softly to himself, kicking at his table leg moodily. He was acting like some dumb kid, and he knew it. When did he start acting like his moony academy students, pining over the Cool Kid? He’d never been like this with anyone before, usually opting to come forward with his feeling and intentions in a more straightforward manner. But with Kakashi, he couldn’t bring himself to. He honestly didn’t want to think about what that fact may or may not imply.

Iruka huffed, pulling his stack of papers back towards himself. It wasn’t like it mattered, anyway. Kakashi was about to start disappearing from the village for long intervals again, so it wasn’t like Iruka would be able to say anything even if he wanted to.

And Iruka reserved the right to privately sulk about that fact for as long as he pleased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I'm sorry my update schedule has been so much slower than usual. I'm trying to push myself through this downswing both in my real life and kind of in terms of plot progression of the story. But both are moving towards more exciting things (for me, at least) at a steady pace, so I'm really hoping that I'll be updating more frequently again. As always, your thoughts and comments make my day. <3


	16. Chapter 16

Iruka was right about Kakashi’s team being sent out quickly. He barely had time to think about trying to apologize for his blunder before he’d gotten the news: Team Kakashi had been sent to aid a request from Suna, to be followed by Team Gai. It was a rare occasion when Iruka took no pleasure in being right. He’d only had two days in which the people he cared most about were safe, home in the village, with Iruka. Iruka couldn’t let himself back in that headspace anymore, he knew it would only make the waiting worse.

As it was, he didn’t have to wait nearly as long as he’d thought he might. He was well used to Kakashi’s missions lasting months at a time, and by comparison, the trip to Suna was over rather quickly. Kotetsu’s notice of _“Your man is in the hospital”_ was such an unexpected statement that Iruka almost forgot to hit him for the insinuation. Almost.

As soon as his irritation over Kotetsu’s teasing faded, the realization of _hospital_ hit Iruka like a brick. Kakashi hated the hospital. He wouldn’t go willingly unless he was near death, and he wouldn’t be able to be dragged unless he was severely incapacitated. Worry started to build in Iruka’s gut, and he mentally cursed the fact that he had a full day’s schedule to complete before he’d have enough free time to get to the hospital.

Iruka didn’t make it to the hospital until nearly sundown, pausing outside of Kakashi’s closed door for a long, awkward moment before finally knocking. If Kakashi was awake, he almost definitely would know that Iruka was there since his arrival. The longer he waited, the more awkward it was going to be for both of them.

Kakashi made an affirmative noise, and Iruka slowly pushed the door open. The sight that greeted him wasn’t overtly horrifying, but still didn’t bode well. There was no blood, or visible injury. But Kakashi was flat on his back, with the sheet pulled over his face. He didn’t look even close to trying to sneak out.

“Iruka,” Kakashi’s voice was tired and gravelly. “I wondered if you’d heard.”

“Kotetsu told me,” Iruka answered, shutting the door behind himself and sitting down on the small chair beside the bed. “Said he saw you arrive.”

“Love that there were witnesses,” Kakashi muttered, leaving Iruka somewhat confused. “I’m fine. Chakra-depleted, the usual.”

“I question your definition of _fine_.”

Kakashi snorted softly, but didn’t argue the point.

“Rough mission?” Iruka asked, knowing full well that Kakashi almost definitely would not be able to give him full details.

“You could say that,” Kakashi let his eye slip shut. “Akatsuki made an appearance.”

“Shit,” Iruka’s eyes widened a little. “Is everyone…?”

“Only one ally casualty,” Kakashi said, his voice growing softer. “From Suna.”

Iruka looked down into his lap, his own fingers twisted together tightly.

“Naruto and Sakura…they were both incredible,” Kakashi murmured. “You would be proud.”

“I am proud,” Iruka allowed himself a small smile. “And I’m glad you came home.”

“As am I,” Kakashi paused, looking back up at Iruka. “The team’s going out again.”

“So soon?” Iruka’s brow furrowed in concern. “But you—”

“They’re going without me.”

“Without you?” Iruka repeated. “Why can’t they wait?”

“Time sensitive,” Kakashi sighed. “It’s okay. They aren’t going alone. Tsunade’s replacing me.”

“With who?”

Kakashi paused, averting his gaze for a fraction of a second. “Guy called Yamato. I’ve met him a few times. Good guy.”

Iruka frowned, biting back any complaints and opinions that flooded his mind. Just because he didn’t know Kakashi’s replacement didn’t mean that Kakashi’s replacement wasn’t capable. He clearly had both Kakashi and Tsunade’s approval.

“You don’t approve.”

Iruka snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of Kakashi’s voice, opening his mouth to defend himself before Kakashi spoke again.

“It’s okay. I didn’t think you would. Honestly, I wish I could be there with them,” Kakashi sighed. “But he’s saved my skin before, Yamato. They’re in good hands.”

“That’s a pretty different context than _I’ve met him a few times_ ,” Iruka pointed out, raising an accusing eyebrow.

“True,” Kakashi looked sheepish. “In my ANBU days. Not really supposed to talk about it.”

“Fair,” Iruka sighed. “I’m glad you trust him. That takes a load off, at least,” there was a short pause. “I suppose you can’t tell me what mission they’re going on. Or anything about the one you just came from.”

“You know I would if it were up to me, Iruka.”

“I know,” Iruka gave Kakashi a small, rueful smile. “You can’t even tell me what happened to you, can you?”

“Nah, that I can do,” Kakashi waved the statement off, his sheet shifting so his face was partially exposed. “Remember when I told you I was working on something new?”

Iruka nodded. “Yeah. Some new jutsu you wouldn’t tell me anything about.”

“And I told you then, too, it’s nothing personal,” Kakashi rolled his eye. “Anyway. I finished working on it. It’s…something with my Sharingan. I figured out how to use the Mangekyo.”

“What?” Iruka’s eyes grew wide, and he leaned in closer to Kakashi’s bed. “That’s what put you in a coma, right? You can do _that_ now?”

“No, no—and thank the gods for that,” Kakashi shook his head quickly. “It’s…different for me. I think every Uchiha’s is different. My—Obito’s, it…it has this black hole effect. I can just…send things somewhere else. To a new dimension.”

 _Obito’s_. Iruka didn’t hear Kakashi use that name often, he wasn’t sure he’d heard him use it ever, really. Iruka had never asked Kakashi who the eye was from, and Kakashi never was very forthcoming about his Genin years. It was probably best not to push the subject. Besides…

“A new _dimension?_ ” Iruka asked, aware that his jaw was slightly agape. “So…if I threw a kunai at you, your eye could just—” he made a flappy kind of hand motion, accompanied by a _whoosh_ sound effect. “And it would be gone?”

Kakashi laughed then, a small, helpless kind of giggle that made him cover his mouth with his hand. “I, uh. Guess that is the gist of it, yeah.”

Iruka didn’t have time to be embarrassed by Kakashi’s laugher, his face aglow with excited interest. “Where does it go? Can you control where it goes?”

“I…I don’t know,” Kakashi smiled a little, clearly charmed by Iruka’s enthusiasm. “This was my first time using it in the field. Well, first and second. And it took a lot out of me, as you can see. I haven’t really explored it fully.”

“That’s incredible, though,” Iruka breathed. “The uses for that? The defensive capabilities?”

“It came in handy, for sure,” Kakashi agreed. “But it definitely still needs work.”

Iruka nodded, smiling a little. “Can’t have you laid up in the hospital every time you use it. I don’t think there’s a jutsu worth that.”

“No?” Kakashi raised an eyebrow, trying to smirk but cutting himself off with a long yawn.

“I guess I should let you sleep,” Iruka sighed softly. “You look like hell, Hatake.”

“Thanks,” Kakashi laughed shortly. “You really know how to make a guy feel better.”

“You bring it out in me,” Iruka teased, standing. “If you’re gonna be holed up here a while…I’ll probably come by sometimes. Make sure you’re not getting too comfortable.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi snorted. “Thanks.”

___

Iruka kept to his word, dropping in to see Kakashi every couple of days while he was recuperating. He never stayed long, dropping in between his shifts at school and the mission desk or swinging by on his way home at the end of the night. The second time his friends caught him leaving the hospital within two days, he had to deal with their teasing his entire way home.

At the end of the week, when Iruka arrived at Kakashi’s hospital room, he almost walked in on Kakashi and Jiraiya. He heard them a moment before he knocked, hesitating at the door. Whatever they were talking about, it sounded serious. He moved away, to the other side of the hallway, considering whether or not he should just go. He was about to cut his losses and go, when he heard Kakashi’s voice through the door.

“I know you’re there, Iruka. You can come in.”

Iruka’s eyes widened a little, but he supposed he shouldn’t be the surprised. He probably knew the minute Iruka arrived. At Kakashi’s request, he entered the room, noticing that Jiraiya had already left. Presumably, through the open window by Kakashi’s bed.

“What was Jiraiya here for?” He asked, moving to his usual seat by Kakashi’s bed.

“You didn’t hear?”

There was no malice to Kakashi’s words, but Iruka still suddenly felt a little guilty. He hadn’t been eavesdropping, but he still felt like he may have overstepped into something private.

“No. I didn’t hear. You don’t have to tell me,” Iruka backed down, shrugging a shoulder.

“No, it’s fine,” Kakashi sighed, turning his gaze back out his window. “He was just informing me of my team’s mission,” he paused, for a long moment. “They fought with Sasuke.”

“What?” Iruka gasped softly. “They found him?”

Kakashi let out a small grunt, his eye slipping shut. “Him, and Kabuto, and Orochimaru.”

Iruka picked up on Kakashi’s silence, feeling his heart sinking. “It didn’t go well, did it?”

“An understatement,” Kakashi muttered. “He still has no intention of coming home. I don’t know how that kid stays so optimistic.”

“It’s a power of his, to be sure,” Iruka agreed. “He believes in his friends. And in himself. He won’t stop fighting for Sasuke while he’s still breathing.”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up,” Kakashi admitted. “And after this…he’s still determined. But he’s hurting, Iruka. They both are.”

Iruka sighed softly, his fingers moving up to scratch at his scar absentmindedly. “I would offer to help, but…I don’t really think there’s much I can do, at this point.”

Kakashi huffed out a short breath of air, shaking his head slightly, turning his gaze away from Iruka again. Iruka frowned a little, slightly nervous. Kakashi looked so _sad_. He looked defeated, and tired, and it wasn’t a look Iruka was used to seeing on him.

“You know,” Kakashi murmured. “The most ironic thing about this entire situation is how you could have helped. You were _right_ , the whole time. And I should have listened to you years ago.”

“What?” Iruka’s brow wrinkled in confusion.

“None of this would have happened if I hadn’t pressured the kids into the Chuunin exams,” Kakashi looked down at his hands, ashamed.

“Kakashi, that—that’s crazy,” Iruka took Kakashi’s wrist in his hand, waiting until Kakashi met his gaze. “You can’t blame yourself, you didn’t _pressure_ them—”

“Maybe not,” Kakashi looked away again, tugging his wrist out of Iruka’s grip. “But I knew what would happen if I nominated them. I knew there was no way Sasuke and Naruto wouldn’t do it. I thought…they were both so _desperate_ to prove themselves…” he trailed off into a huff of humorless, dry laughter. “Turns out, the most desperate to prove himself was me.”

Iruka blinked, at a loss for words for a few seconds. “I—what? Kakashi, you’re not—”

“I was. I _am._ To prove that I can be a good teacher. That I can be more than a human weapon. That I can be worthy of teaching the last Uchiha heir—of teaching _Minato-sensei’s_ only child. I thought if they did well in the Chuunin exams, maybe I could prove that I’m good at something besides killing, Iruka,” He turned, fixing Iruka with a hard stare. “But I’m _not_. You were right. The entire time, everything you said. I…I suck at reading people. Or knowing how to help them. I’m only good at killing, I—I’m not fit to be a teacher. I just wish I wasn’t the last one to figure that out.”

Iruka let out a shaky breath, dropping his gaze to his feet. This was supposed to be what he was good at. He was a teacher, the best in Konoha, people liked to say. He was supposed to be the one who gave out advice, the big-brother type who helped people through their troubles. The person who always knew what to say. Iruka just felt like he was crashing and burning. Not only did he not know how to help Kakashi, but it was things that he said that made Kakashi feel this way in the first place.

“Kakashi,” Iruka whispered, reaching out towards Kakashi’s hand again, stopping himself halfway there. “Kakashi, I was wrong,” he swallowed heavily, desperately trying to catch Kakashi’s eye again. “I didn’t—I didn’t mean what I said about—about you. It was uncalled for and untrue and—you’re not a killing machine, you’re _not_ only good at killing, Kakashi.”

“Yeah, I suppose torture, interrogation, and abetting children obsessed with revenge also make the list.”

“Shut up, stop that!” Iruka cried, reaching out and taking hold of Kakashi’s shoulder before he could think better of it. He knew it wasn’t the right thing to say, but he’d never seen Kakashi like this before. He was overwhelmed, and overthinking, and just wanted Kakashi to stop long enough for him to collect himself. “I—”

“No, Iruka, _you_ shut up,” Kakashi growled, jerking his shoulder away. “You were right, you were all right!” he paused, his chest rising and falling rapidly with his breath. “Friend-Killer Kakashi,” he breathed, his visible eye dull and unfocused. “Friend-Killer, Kakashi of the Sharingan, the one who taught the traitor, it’s all the same, Iruka, it’s all my _failures_ for this village branding me, starting with this _fucking_ eye!”

Iruka froze, watching as Kakashi turned to hide his face, but not before he saw the tear escape from under his covered eye. He felt like something was squeezing his chest so hard he could barely breathe, like all the wind had been knocked out of him. Everything he thought he knew about Kakashi was getting all mixed up in his head, and it was confusing him to the point where he almost felt dizzy. He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, carefully reaching out and resting a hand on Kakashi’s shoulder. He drew back slightly when he felt Kakashi stiffen, but didn’t completely drop his hand. He wasn’t completely shrugged off, and he tried to take heart in that where he could.

“I…I didn’t know,” he whispered, keeping his gaze on Kakashi, willing him to turn back to face him. “I didn’t know that people called you that,”

“Didn’t expect you to,” Kakashi said gruffly. “You were young.”

“We were _both_ young,” Iruka squeezed Kakashi’s shoulder gently. “You were a child too, Kakashi. And people weren’t fair to you,”

Kakashi just shrugged, refusing to turn back.

“Sasuke wasn’t your fault,” Iruka spoke more firmly. “You were not the only person who didn’t notice how much he was hurting,” he felt his voice break more than he heard it, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “We _all_ let him down by letting Orochimaru be the first to acknowledge his pain,”

Kakashi looked up at that, shifting closer and resting his hand on top of the one that lay on his shoulder. Iruka took in a deep, shaky breath, opening his eyes slowly to meet Kakashi’s gaze.

“You blame yourself,” Kakashi murmured.

“Of course I do,” Iruka laughed bitterly. “How could I not? He was in my classroom for _years_ , Kakashi. How hard would it have been for me to reach out? To notice he needed someone? With Naruto I knew, and I helped, but I just let him hurt all alone and now he’s gone, and I—”

“Hey,” Kakashi cut him off, stopping him mind-sentence with a gentle hand on his cheek.  “If I can’t take all the blame then neither can you, you hypocrite,” his tone was light, but the softness of his voice made Iruka’s breath catch.

Iruka let his eyes slip shut, unable to hold eye contact with Kakashi any longer. Kakashi didn’t move his hand from Iruka’s cheek, brushing his thumb across it in a soft, soothing gesture that had Iruka leaning into the touch.

“We’re both a fucking mess, huh?” Kakashi murmured.

Iruka laughed weakly, letting his hand slip off Kakashi’s shoulder. “Yeah. We are.”

Kakashi’s touch lingered for another moment, before he dropped his hand from Iruka’s cheek. Iruka’s head turned to follow the warmth, just barely, but enough that his cheeks flushed pink when he caught Kakashi’s gaze afterward.

“Are you gonna be okay, Kakashi?” Iruka asked, seriously. “Not just physically, I mean.”

“I’ll bounce back,” Kakashi said shortly. “Like you said, Naruto has this uncanny belief in all his friends…and I believe in Naruto.”

Iruka gave Kakashi a small smile, reaching out to take his hand once more. “You’re right,” he murmured, squeezing Kakashi’s hand gently and feeling his smile grow when the squeeze was returned.

“Thank you, Sensei,” Kakashi spoke softly. “I’m glad you came, today.”

“Yeah,” Iruka looked down at their joined hands, feeling a warmth spread through his chest. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot keep a steady update schedule if my life depends on it, but at least this time it's quick rather than long. Your thoughts and comments make my day, every day! <3


	17. Chapter 17

The next time Iruka managed to visit Kakashi in the hospital, it was to find out that he was being released the next day.

Iruka’s brief moment of happiness that Kakashi was healing was partially replaced by concern, knowing fully well that he was likely to be sent out on more missions that were increasingly dangerous. Kakashi, always irritatingly perceptive, seemed to catch on to Iruka’s conflicted mood fairly quickly. It wasn’t until he mentioned, very casually and offhand, that he wasn’t going to be going on any missions for a while in order to continue Naruto’s training with Yamato. Iruka was a little embarrassed to be so easily read, but it was outweighed by the relief that Kakashi would still be able to take it easy for at least a little while longer. As much as he hated to admit it, he liked having Kakashi close.

Kakashi had promised to update Iruka on Naruto’s progress though training, and so far, he had delivered. Even though the three of them were training within the territory of Konoha, none of them were returning to their houses at night, preferring to make camp on their training site instead. So Kakashi sent notes; sometimes with birds, sometimes with his summons, of whom Iruka had now met three. Pakkun informed him that since he gave the first messenger snacks it was now a much sought-after mission to deliver the messages. Iruka smiled upon hearing this, and made sure to send Pakkun back with extra food for the whole pack. Kakashi’s next message contained the following post-script: _thank you for spoiling my ninken, they now inform me that if the people who receive my messages don’t provide snacks, I will be expected to. Greedy bastards._ Iruka had laughed aloud at that, shaking his head gently and placing the note on his table next to the others. Kakashi’s obvious pride when he described Naruto’s progress warmed Iruka’s heart, and Iruka couldn’t help the goofy smile on his face when Kakashi reported that Naruto had gone from splitting leaves to splitting whole waterfalls. And, even though Kakashi kept the notes brief, he always included something in the post-script that made Iruka laugh. Most recently, they were lines like _Sakura’s food pills, amazingly, get less edible every day as she perfects the recipe_ and _Naruto is unfazed by his incredible progress and, predictably, sleeptalks about ramen._ It was just enough of a personal touch, Kakashi going out of his way to try and make Iruka laugh, that had Iruka flushing pink whenever he read them. Maybe he was reading between the lines a little too much, getting his hopes a little too far up, but he didn’t care.

Iruka should really have known that life lulling him into a false sense of security wouldn’t end well.

It had started when Iruka had run into Izumo and Kotetsu after work one day. They’d been stocking up on weaponry, and Iruka learned that they were going out on a mission together supporting Team Asuma. After significant prodding, Iruka managed to get them to admit that their mission was involving the Akatsuki, and the team they were pursuing was more dangerous, even, than Itachi’s team had been. They wouldn’t tell Iruka anything beyond the fact that they were aiding the request of a former ally of Asuma’s, who’d been attacked by the Akatsuki the night before. They’d both seemed more serious than usual, and it made Iruka’s stomach begin to feel tight with worry. Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and Gai couldn’t take out Itachi and his partner, and these two were supposedly _stronger?_ But Iruka kept his thoughts to himself, only telling his friends that he hoped they stayed as safe as they could, and requesting they let him know when they get back.

He knew that worrying helped nothing, and he tried to keep his mind off of it as much as possible. Kakashi’s occasional notes did wonders for improving his mood, but only in small bursts of time. He considered sending messages back to Kakashi on more than one occasion; to ask if he knew about the mission, or about the team his friends went after, hoping that Kakashi could provide any information that might quiet his nerves. But he never did, knowing that at most he would just be distracting Kakashi from his training by asking him questions he probably wasn’t even supposed to answer.

Izumo and Kotetsu’s return didn’t bring Iruka the relief that he hoped it would. They returned later than expected, with grim faces and a body bag, and it didn’t take Iruka long to figure out who was in it.

Iruka felt the grief like it was a boulder dropped onto his chest, pinning him in place. He didn’t cry, not when they told him. It didn’t quite feel real. Asuma had been in his life as long as Lord Third had; longer, really, since Lord Third’s passing. He was someone Iruka had looked up to deeply in his childhood, who always had a supportive word for Iruka even into adulthood. Someone Iruka had never imagine losing. Someone Iruka had taken for granted.

The funeral was somber but well-attended, and Iruka still felt heavy and numb by the end of it. He took time once the crowd had dispersed to kneel in front of Asuma’s grave, brushing his fingers over the freshly turned dirt.

“Your dad always said it would be the cigarettes that did you in,” Iruka whispered, smiling sadly. “We all wanted to think that it wouldn’t be because you’re a big damn hero.”

Iruka paused, noting the cautious presence behind him. Iruka let his shoulders relax into a slump, waiting until Kakashi moved closer to lean into the presence.

“Lord Third would always tell me, when I was younger, that he wished Asuma and I wouldn’t be heroes,” Iruka murmured. “Asuma hated it. Thought Lord Third was holding him back…but I knew. I told him that I wished my parents weren’t, either.”

Kakashi remained silent, putting a warm hand on Iruka’s shoulder when he leaned closer. They sat like that for a while, quietly paying respects to Asuma, before Kakashi spoke up.

“Are you going to be alright, Iruka?”

Iruka laughed softly, leaning his head against Kakashi’s arm. “I will be. I always am. But Kakashi…” he looked up, worry furrowing his brow. “Shikamaru wasn’t at the funeral.”

“I know.”

“He’s going to do something stupid,” Iruka stood, slowly, reaching out to Kakashi and holding onto him as if he was the only thing keeping Iruka grounded. “Kakashi…he can’t. He can’t go out for revenge. He just can’t, he’s gonna die if he tries and even if he doesn’t, he—”

“Shh,” Kakashi pulled Iruka close, gently, holding him in a loose embrace until Iruka’s breathing started to even back out. “Shikamaru’s a smart kid. Have a little more faith in him.”

“I know he is,” Iruka sighed heavily, pulling back to meet Kakashi’s gaze. “But he’s not okay right now, and even the smartest people make stupid decisions when they get tangled in their emotions,” Iruka paused, biting his lip hard. “Just look at some of the stupid shit I’ve said and done to you.”

Kakashi let out a soft huff of laughter, shrugging a shoulder.

“He _can’t_ go out looking for revenge. Kakashi, we can’t keep letting _kids_ go down this road,” He paused, desperately searching Kakashi’s face for some sign of emotion. “You and I both know it’s too easy to get lost there.”

Kakashi sighed heavily, shifting his gaze away. Iruka dropped his arms weakly, stepping back from Kakashi and taking in a deep breath.

“I…think I should go home,” he murmured, folding his arms over his chest and curling in on himself.

“Are you sure?” Kakashi asked. The genuine concern in his voice was almost enough to get Iruka to smile. It was, at least, enough to ease the ache in his chest.

“Yeah,” Iruka paused, looking over Kakashi’s form quickly. “Take care of yourself, Kakashi," he whispered. "Please?”

Kakashi’s eye widened slightly, before he nodded slowly, recognizing Iruka’s quiet request for what it was.

“Wherever I am, I’ll come back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, and things are getting sad again. This is a part of the story Ive been excited to write since the beginning and it's finally here! I hope you guys are having as much fun as I am. As always, your thoughts and comments make my day! <3


	18. Chapter 18

Iruka got the news only days later: the remaining members of Team Asuma had gone out after the Akatsuki, lead by none other than Kakashi Hatake.

To say that Iruka was overwhelmed was an understatement. There was disbelief, there was worry, and there was _anger_. It was only days ago that he had spoken to Kakashi about how Shikamaru would surely want revenge, and how he shouldn’t be allowed to go down that path. Iruka had been reassured, somewhat, when he’d discovered that Lady Tsunade had shared his sentiments. Her’s were for different reasons, but they agreed that Team Asuma should not be pursuing the Akatsuki alone. So what in the hell possessed Kakashi to go out for vengeance with them? With _kids?_

The rest of Team Kakashi had been sent out after them, which only increased Iruka’s fear and frustration. It was one thing for Kakashi to recklessly endanger himself; Iruka never liked it, but he’d accepted it as an unavoidable reality. But Kakashi was pulling other people into it, pulling _kids_ into it, pulling _Naruto_ into it, all for what? Going in blind to fight two Shinobi that, according to Izumo and Kotetsu, they couldn’t even damage through _decapitation_. Kakashi was leading two teams, not necessarily towards certain death, but towards highly probable death.

By some miracle, the entire team returned with only relatively minor injuries. Naruto was the only one admitted to the hospital, but Iruka had seen the others. Both Ino and Choji had bruises from strangulation. Shikamaru had superficial cuts and bruises, but the look in his eyes was different. He was colder now, more hardened than before. Iruka had been told that Kakashi returned in tatters; no flak vest or headband, his mask and uniform torn, nearly dead on his feet. Of course, he didn’t go to the hospital, the stubborn bastard. He also had the sense this time not to show up at Iruka’s door.

But Iruka showed up at his.

When Kakashi answered the door, he was certainly surprised to see Iruka there. His body language was different; tense, and definitely guilty. But he stepped back easily, offering space for Iruka to come inside.

Iruka did so, but he kept several paces between himself and Kakashi. Neither spoke for several long, drawn-out minutes, before Kakashi broke with a sigh.

“I take it you didn’t come here because you were worried about me.”

Iruka felt his eye twitch at the accusation, and he took a moment to compose himself before stepping fully into Kakashi’s space.

“And I see you’re still abetting revenge-obsessed children,” Iruka retorted, noticing Kakashi stiffen at the words.  “What happened to thinking that kids going on quests for revenge should be discouraged?”

Kakashi held Iruka’s gaze steadily as he approached. “Life doesn’t work out that way, sometimes.”

Iruka let out a frustrated huff of air, feeling his temper starting to rise and willing himself to keep control.

“Did you even try to stop them?”

When his question was met with an extended and tense silence, Iruka felt his lip curling into a sneer.

“So, you didn’t try.”

“No,” Kakashi blinked slowly. “I went with them.”

“As Lady Tsunade was actively trying to keep them home, you encouraged them.”

“They were going to do it no matter what I did, and you know it. I was—”

“Just trying to protect them?” Iruka cut him off, seething. “Doing what you could to make sure they were safe? Gee, Kakashi, when have I heard that one before?”

“Iruka—”

“Oh, I remember when!” Iruka laughed a high-pitched, humorless laugh. “It was right before the last _tragedy_ the village suffered! Crazy coincidence.”

Kakashi was completely still, his entire body rigid and stiff, waiting for Iruka to ride out his anger. Iruka was used to this response, expected it, usually. But this time, it was making him _so_ much angrier. He wanted Kakashi to argue with him, to try and defend himself. The fact that he wouldn’t, or couldn’t, just made Iruka want to push it more.

“I don’t know where your goddamn hero complex is coming from, but _your_ method of protecting the kids in this village clearly isn’t working.”

“We can’t all live by naive ideals, Sensei,” Kakashi’s voice came out harsh, his calm finally seeming to snap. “Whether we want to or not, shinobi life isn’t like that. You may not always remember, considering you stay in the village with the pre-genin, but loss is a part of what we do.”

Iruka clenched both hands into fists, his body twitching with the impulse to strike at Kakashi. The one thing that could get Iruka unspeakably angry was insinuating that his position in the village made him inherently weaker than any of his comrades. It had lead to many a night, when he was younger and a freshly-instituted academy teacher, where Iruka had physically fought with people who would call him weak. But he couldn’t, he’d grown up since then, and he wasn’t stupid enough to try and pick a fight with Kakashi. Iruka needed to leave now before he actually lost his cool.

Iruka let out a short, frustrated sound, pushing a chair out of his way with more force than was probably necessary, making it all the way to the doorway before pausing. Everything that Kakashi had said made him angry, getting worse with every word. And Iruka knew that he should leave it alone, for once in his life he should avoid fueling the fire. But he couldn’t. He’d been holding his emotions back for too long, and they came spilling out before he could stop them.

“And I _was_ worried about you,” he spat, turning back to glare at Kakashi once more. He wanted to be angry, he wanted to keep his voice strong and cutting, but he couldn’t help the waver in his voice that betrayed his emotions. “I was so _scared_. When I heard where you’d gone, I thought I’d never see you again.”

Kakashi seemed taken aback by the sudden confession, his eye widening and his entire body freezing for a moment. “Iruka—”

“Fuck off,” Iruka cut Kakashi off, turning away quickly to avoid him seeing any vulnerability, letting the door close sharply behind him.

Iruka’s rage only grew as he made his way home, so much that by the time he was back in his apartment, it was all he could do not to break his own door with the force of slamming it closed. Who the hell did Kakashi think he was? Like he had any _right_ to lecture Iruka about loss? He’d really been stupid enough to think that Kakashi had changed in these years, that he was different from the man that thought the same kind of pain and trauma he went through was acceptable to repeat. Kakashi hadn’t changed, and he probably never would. He thought the same as the rest of the Jonin in the village; about war, about teaching, about Iruka’s ideas for reform. Iruka squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will himself to calm down. But how long had he let Kakashi string him along? How many _years_ had he forgotten? His entire relationship with Kakashi really was just a joke. Both of them conveniently forgetting how much they actually didn’t get along…for what? A fuck? But…it had been more than that. At one point, it wasn’t that they forgot they didn’t get along, and they…actually started to like each other. And Iruka knew, no matter whether he admitted it or not, that he didn’t simply _like_ Kakashi. And that scared the hell out of him. Feeling this much, all the worry and longing and desperate need for Kakashi to know him, to want him, to just _care_ about him scared him more than anything else he had ever faced. And now, after today…Iruka knew it was too much to expect, more than he should have ever let himself hope for.

Iruka sighed, putting his kettle on the stove with far too much force, wincing a little at the loud crash. He didn’t even know if it was Kakashi he was angrier at now, or himself. Either way, focusing it on Kakashi felt better at the time. And this time, it wasn’t Iruka who was going to end up groveling first. He decided, there in his kitchen, that if Kakashi didn’t care enough about Iruka to apologize in order to stay friendly, then Iruka was prepared to cut the loss where it was.

Iruka swallowed heavily, trying to ignore the heavy ache in his chest at the thought of things going back to how they had been before. After all, it wasn’t worth clinging to if it was going to be like this.

And it definitely wasn’t worth Iruka being the one to bury the hatchet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Yes.   
>  Things are getting heavier, friends. I hope you can bear with me through the Drama. Your thoughts and comments make my day, as always! <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your responses to the last chapter honestly blew me away, and really lit a fire under my ass to keep writing! There's honestly not much story left to write and I'm so excited.

As it turned out, Kakashi didn’t seem too keen on burying the hatchet, either. And Iruka made quite an impressive show of looking unbothered by this. He hadn’t seen Kakashi since they argued in his apartment, and Iruka’s irritation about the whole situation grew stronger every time the thought of it crossed his mind. He had half a mind to go back to Kakashi’s apartment for a rematch, but he stopped himself every time. This was in Kakashi’s hands now, and apparently, Iruka wasn’t worth it. Well, it wasn’t like Iruka wasn’t used to that sentiment. He could handle it.

Iruka would be content to just go back to avoiding Kakashi wherever he could. Unfortunately for Iruka, he wouldn’t be able to avoid at least _seeing_ Kakashi today. Tsunade had called a meeting with most of the active shinobi in the village, and Iruka had been included in that. He knew it was going to be about the Akatsuki, what else could it possibly be about? While Iruka wasn’t sure he’d have much input, he was eager for the information.

As Iruka predicted, Kakashi was present at the meeting. He was stood at the front, with a group of other Jonin, and Iruka automatically gravitated to the opposite side of the room. He was still within the reach of Kakashi’s vision, and he knew it. But Kakashi’d have to make a real effort to talk to him.

When the meeting began, Iruka was pleased to realize that he was correct once again; Tsunade had called her forces together to discuss the Akatsuki. So far, they only had three confirmed kills on an organization that had at least three more confirmed members. The majority of the group seemed to be in collective agreement that more direct action should be being taken, and soon. Tsunade’s brow was furrowed, and she seemed to be struggling to compose her thoughts against the barrage of restless shinobi calling for blood.

“Lady Hokage,” Iruka was calling out before he could think better of it. “I understand the need to take action. These men are dangerous, and need to be stopped, we all agree on that,” Iruka paused, feeling eyes in the room turn on him. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling. “But I feel as though recently, shinobi have been taking unnecessary and stupid risks in the name of taking quick action. We need to focus more on intel and strategy than jumping haphazardly to engaging the enemy.”

The low, disapproving murmur that swept the room wasn’t unexpected, and Iruka kept his gaze firmly on Tsunade. She had raised an eyebrow, her eyes darting around the room before returning to rest their gaze on Iruka.

“Are you referring to the two teams that recently incapacitated Kakuzu and Hidan?”

“I am,” Iruka confirmed, concentrating hard on keeping his gaze away from Kakashi. “It was a hasty and reckless mission, motivated by revenge. It was careless and needlessly risky.”

“It doesn’t matter the motivation, it worked and now the Akatsuki are down two members. As far as I’m concerned, the ends justify the means here.”

Iruka felt himself twitch when Kakashi spoke up, his jaw clenching along with his fists. So, he couldn’t leave well enough alone even now?

“The ends only justify the means in hindsight,” Iruka spoke through gritted teeth. “The fact remains that tacticians need to be level headed to strategize unless there is a do-or-die situation, and Shikamaru _wasn’t_. His anger and grief made him emotionally compromised, and that put his entire team _and_ your backup team at risk. Shikamaru knows this, this isn’t the type of man he is,”

“Maybe you don’t know what kind of man he is.”

“ _You_ have no idea what kind of man Shikamaru is, you only know what kind of man you’re trying to make him!” Iruka snapped. “Haven’t you done _enough_ to the children of this village?”

The words flew from Iruka’s mouth before he could think any better of them. He was treading in dangerous waters here, and everybody knew it. A horrified, unsettling silence had fallen over the entire room full of shinobi, including the Hokage. Iruka knew he should stop talking. Quit now, while he could. But he just wasn’t able to. Perhaps if he had seen the dangerous flash in Kakashi’s eye before he spoke, he would have kept silent.

“I think,” Kakashi began, slowly. “That you don’t exactly have a high horse to be on when it comes to misjudging character, Sensei.”

“Oh, don’t I?” Iruka scoffed. “Tell me more about your first genius plan; to take a traumatized, emotionally volatile and revenge-obsessed _child_ and teach him the most dangerous thing you know! But you knew him pretty well, I’m sure that worked out great for all of us. Oh _wait,_ ”

 “Iruka-sensei—” Tsunade spoke up, sternly.

“Well _Sensei,_ ” Kakashi began, his voice controlled and dangerous as he cut the Hokage off. “At least the last person I fucked didn’t only do so in order to manipulate me so it was easier for him to commit high treason and almost murder a student. _Twice_.”

“Kakashi!” Tsunade spoke louder this time, clearly shocked.

Iruka’s face burned with the combination of humiliation, anger, and shame as it twisted into an expression of rage. This time, his anger was beyond words. What Kakashi had brought up seemed to rob Iruka of his ability to speak or even think, and before he could process what he was doing he had reached into his thigh holster, grabbed a kunai, and prepared to launch himself at the man across the room.

He was yanked backwards with enough force to knock the wind out of him. The ringing in his ears subsided enough for him to hear the strangled cry of rage that escaped his own throat as he was bodily restrained by Izumo, Kotetsu, and at least two other Chuunin. He was held at his waist, legs, and arms, and someone was forcibly removing the kunai from his hand. He struggled in vain for a few seconds, looking around in panic before his eyes settled at the scene across the room. Kakashi was there, Sharingan exposed, shuriken at the ready, being restrained in a similar manner by Gai, Kurenai, and an ANBU that Iruka didn’t recognize. Both the Chuunin holding Iruka and the Jonin holding Kakashi were sizing each other up, seeming to be warily assessing whether or not they should prepare to hold fast against their captives or be ready to back them up. The rest of the shinobi in the room had cleared an impressively wide space, not eager to be caught in the crossfire.

“That is _enough_!”

Iruka stiffened as the Hokage’s voice rang out loudly across the room. He finally looked away from Kakashi, chancing a look up towards their leader. She was frowning deeply, staring down at Iruka and Kakashi with barely concealed rage.

“I have never been more appalled by anyone’s behavior,” she began. “You have disrespected me, you have disrespected your fellow shinobi, and you have behaved so immaturely and shamefully, I have half a mind to dismiss you both immediately!”

Iruka cringed, looking down at the floor in an attempt to hide his face. He glanced toward Kakashi, who was staring up at the Hokage with his usual blank expression.

“The both of you will be escorted back to your homes, where you will remain under surveillance for the remainder of the night. I will discuss this incident with both of you tomorrow.”

Iruka slumped in the arms of those holding him back, deflating under the deep regret and humiliation he just put himself through. Slowly, the arms gripping him loosened and released him, and he felt his kunai get returned to his thigh holster. He only barely acknowledged Izumo saying something to him, before he was faced with a woman in ANBU gear who gestured at him to lead the way to his home. He glanced once more toward Kakashi, who had covered his left eye and was being lead out by the same ANBU who’d restrained him from attacking. Iruka looked away quickly, the anger still burning deep in his gut, underneath the shame and disappointment.

He made his way home followed closely by the ANBU agent, keeping his eyes down towards the street. He bowed respectfully to her once he reached his door, heading inside before collapsing face-first onto his couch with a groan. Now that he’d had some time to cool down, the embarrassment was so much stronger. He lost his temper in front of the entire shinobi force, including the Hokage… _again._ This was the second time that he broke protocol in order to argue with Kakashi. And this, today…this was so much more than a professional dispute. The last outburst had been excusable, he’d still broken protocol but he had at least been respectful and eloquent with what he’d had to say. This had been personal, he’d tried to cut deep. Judging by Kakashi’s reaction, he’d been successful. And then Kakashi cut right back, bringing up Mizuki with no hesitation. Iruka’s face burned at the memory and he let out another angry groan into his couch cushion. He’d had enough in the rumor mill about himself and Mizuki immediately after the fact; what Kakashi had said was surely throwing gasoline on what had been, up until now, the dying embers of the fire. Whether or not there was any proof of truth in Kakashi’s statement, it would be taken at least as partial truth, and would re-open the endless parade of whispering and muttering behind Iruka’s back. Or, worse still, it might renew the efforts of individuals who confronted Iruka directly, to mock him or attack him about Mizuki.

Iruka flinched in shock when a loud knock came from his door, and he had half a mind to ignore it. He was in no state to see anyone right now, and was pretty sure he would rather stay locked in his house alone for at least another week. He had just decided not to answer the door when there was another knock, accompanied by a voice:

“Iruka! C’mon, open up, I know you’re in there moping.”

Iruka groaned, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. “Go away, Izumo.”

“Not gonna happen. I will break into your home if I have to.”

“I’m pretty sure my new ANBU guard would have something to say about that,” Iruka muttered.

“Iruka, I’m not gonna let you sit in there and wallow in self pity. Let me in, dammit.”

Iruka huffed impatiently, reluctantly heaving himself up off the couch and walking to the door. He opened it just enough to glare at Izumo, but not enough to actually let him inside. Izumo rolled his eyes, gently pushing at the door until Iruka relented and let him inside.

“Okay, I let you in. What do you want?”

Izumo sighed, shaking his head gently. “I came to ask if you were okay. Obviously you’re not, but I figured I’d ask.”

Iruka scowled, folding his arms and averting his gaze. “Well if you already knew, why’d you bother coming out here?”

Izumo rolled his eyes again, shaking his head gently. “Iruka. You’re one of my best friends, and you just almost attacked Kakashi Hatake in front of the Hokage.” He paused. “And I know what he brought up is gonna be rough for you. I just wanted to check in.”

Iruka sighed heavily, sinking down onto a chair and putting his face in his hands. “You came, you checked, I’m fine.”

“Liar. Iruka, c’mon,” Izumo sat down opposite Iruka, trying to catch his eye. “Be real with me for once, okay?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I _mean_ , you’ve been a locked safe for years, man. And you’ve seemed to be doing alright, so nobody’s ever pushed it. But this…” he paused, sighing. “Iruka, what’s going on with you and Kakashi?”

Iruka’s face flushed pink and he glared at Izumo, struggling to find his words for several seconds. “I—nothing is ‘going on’ with Kakashi and I—”

“ _Liar_ ,” Izumo folded his arms across his chest. “You’ve always been a hothead, sure. But this is ridiculous. That was unreasonable and unlike you. Besides…you two haven’t fought like that in years.”

Iruka slumped forward, his elbows coming to rest on his knees. Izumo was right, of course he was. But that didn’t mean Iruka was going to admit it.

“Something changed between you two, and you know it.”

“I know,” Iruka murmured, rubbing at his eyes, exhausted. “I know, but I—” he sighed heavily, dropping his hands. “I don’t know what happened.”

Izumo shrugged. “All I know is that you guys were…friendly,” he settled on the word, shrugging. “And now you’re clearly not.”

Iruka frowned, dangerously close to pouting. He hadn’t ever really tried to articulate what had happened between them, considering his reluctance to admit there was anything between them at all. That seemed kind of stupid now, he realized.

“Iruka?”

 “Fine, whatever,” Iruka huffed. “We…we were close, alright? But this whole thing—I said things, he said things, it just got all tense and both of use just reached the end of our ropes at the same time,” he paused, looking down at his own hands. “Whatever it was we were doing…I think it’s gone now.”

Izumo sighed heavily, chewing on his bottom lip in thought. He stayed silent for a few seconds, seeming to be mulling something over.

“Okay, Iruka, can you tell me something?” Izumo paused as Iruka nodded. “Tell me how you feel about Kakashi. Just. On a base level, what are your feelings toward him?”

“I don’t know,” Iruka muttered. “I…we…I don’t _hate_ him, or anything, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“It wasn’t, but that’s a good start.”

“I just…he gets under my skin so easily,” Iruka sighed heavily. “Everything with him just feels like so much _more_. When things are going okay, and we get along, it’s amazing. It’s like we get each other on a different level…but when shit goes wrong, it’s catastrophic. We both lose our heads completely. It doesn’t make sense.”

“So…does fucking fall on the side of things going good, or things going bad?”

“Izumo!”

Iruka flushed bright red, struggling to find words as he glared at Izumo. Izumo just grinned, laughing a little.

“I’m kidding. But really, how many times, Iruka? Can you really say this is casual anymore?”

“I—that’s none of your—I don’t—” Iruka stammered, growing increasingly more frustrated the longer Izumo laughed at his struggle. “Shut up! I’m not—I don’t wanna talk about this!”

Izumo raised his hands in surrender, still giggling softly under his breath. “Fair, that’s fair.”

Iruka stayed silent for several seconds, his face flushed and hot as he thought over what Izumo had said. He got this far, he might as well…keep talking, he supposed. Maybe he was dumb for not asking his friends for advice sooner.

“I _guess_ it would fall on the side of things going good,” he muttered, so quietly he barely heard it himself. But Izumo definitely heard, if his grin was anything to tell by. “Don’t—look at me like that!”

“I’m not looking at you like anything!” Izumo protested, still grinning. “Go on.”

“I don’t know what else to say,” Iruka groaned.

Izumo shrugged. “The way I see it, you gotta answer two questions for yourself: do you have feelings for Kakashi, and are those feelings worth trying to fix this, now very public, mess?”

Iruka scratched at his scar nervously, avoiding Izumo’s gaze pointedly. “I…yes,” he admitted, with a heavy sigh. “Yes, to both.”

Izumo smiled, patting Iruka on the shoulder gently. “I kind of already guessed the first one, but…I’m happy to hear about the second.”

Iruka snorted, rolling his eyes. “Can we make fun of me for how obvious I am later? I’m not in the mood right now.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not Anko and Kotetsu,” Izumo laughed, before pausing. “Does Hatake know? About…the feelings?”

Iruka groaned again, burying his face in his arms. Izumo winced, laughing nervously.

“That’s a sore spot, I take it.”

“Every time I would want to tell him I would get overwhelmed and act like an ass!” Iruka’s voice was muffled by his own arms. “At this point it probably isn’t even worth it.”

“Hey, none of that,” Izumo prodded Iruka gently until he looked up from his sulking. “Have you ever considered that the reason he got so heated was the same reason you did? Feelings like that have to boil over some way, Iruka. And both of you are argumentative on your best days.” He paused, smiling a little. “I don’t know what this fight was really about, but…I don’t think you’re lost yet, ‘Ruka.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Iruka muttered. “It was about his need to recklessly endanger children.”

“Mm, see, I don’t think that’s true,” Izumo wrinkled his nose. “Is it about the kids, Iruka?”

“What do you—”

“I’m not saying you don’t care about the kids, of course you do. That’s part of what’s making you angry. But what is it, really?”

Iruka frowned, but took Izumo’s question to heart. Obviously, he and Kakashi had been at odds long before this, so this couldn’t be the only issue. And, if he was being honest, he and Kakashi had had several instances over the past few years in which they dealt with issues perfectly reasonably. This kind of blow-up was unusual for them at this point. If he really thought about what was different…

“I felt like…it was just like what happened when I try and make change with the rest of the village. Like I try and make people care, and they completely ignore me, or mock me,” Iruka sighed heavily. “And then, right after that, I—he just went out after two dangerous, potentially immortal s-class criminals we had no idea how to defeat and I just—I was so worried he was gonna die, Izumo…”

“You never did handle strong emotions well,” Izumo teased gently, patting Iruka on the shoulder. “But you see how you were just honest with me? Now you gotta do this with him.”

Iruka wrinkled his face up, whining softly. “Do I have to?”

“Well no, I guess you don’t _have_ to,” Izumo snorted. “You _could_ just continue to act like a pining pre-genin while Kotetsu, Anko and I mock you daily.”

Iruka’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t,” he begged. “You wouldn’t tell them.”

Izumo grinned wickedly. “You should get off your ass to talk to Hatake before I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~*Because things have to get a little worse, before they get any better*~  
> I hope you all are still liking the story! Your thoughts and comments always make my day! <33


	20. Chapter 20

Iruka was summoned to the Hokage’s office early the next morning, which he was entirely dreading. He knew he deserved it, whatever lecture or punishment she had in mind, there was nothing he could really say to defend himself.

The meeting was much quicker than Iruka anticipated, Tsunade’s lecture summing up nicely to “either fix this problem on your own time or don’t, but god help you if I see or hear about it ever again.” Iruka could only assume that Kakashi got or was going to get a similar lecture. It was embarrassing, to be sure, but Tsunade also seemed to want to forget what she heard as much as Iruka wanted her to.

He’d cooled down a lot, between his talk with Izumo and a full night’s sleep. He would willingly admit that he’d acted out of line, and if he got to do it over he would have handled it all very differently. And he _wanted_ to fix it, he really did. But he was still frustrated, and embarrassed, and he knew himself well enough to know that nothing good would come from approaching Kakashi now.

While Iruka’s academy shift was comfortingly normal, he was dreading his mission desk shift with every fiber of his being. He knew that whatever he faced from other shinobi was at least partially his own fault, but that hardly made the prospect any better. As it turned out, not many people wanted to bring it up. Almost attacking Kakashi was a stupid move, and one Iruka regretted, but the fortunate side effect of it all was that people were significantly less willing to fuck with him. Iruka was certain this wasn’t going to be good for his reputation in the long run, but for today, he appreciated the peace.

His relative peace lasted until he got back home, finding a folded piece of paper stuck into the latch of his door. Iruka raised an eyebrow, plucking the paper out from his door and unfolding it. All it said was _training ground 11_ , in familiar messy handwriting. Iruka felt his stomach lurch, and his first instinct was to ignore the note and stay at home. But he resisted the urge, sighing heavily before turning around from his door and heading back towards training ground 11. He might as well try to make things right.

When he reached training ground 11, it seemed very empty. But Iruka knew better, dropping his bag by the entrance and walking toward the center of the field. He felt very vulnerable, but maybe that was a good thing. He looked up at the surrounding trees, holding his arms out to his sides before speaking up.

“Are we here to talk, or fight?” he asked, loud enough for anyone up in a tree to hear him.

“I suppose it could go either way,” Kakashi’s voice sounded from behind him, and Iruka turned sharply. Kakashi had landed on the field, a cautious distance away from Iruka.

“Fighting seems to be easier, for us,” Iruka pointed out.

“I agree,” Kakashi shrugged a shoulder. “Your call, Sensei.”

Iruka paused, thinking the options over. They needed to talk, and Iruka knew that. Whether or not they were _ready_ to talk was a different story entirely.

“I think,” Iruka began, taking a small step closer to Kakashi. “That we should do both.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, considering the suggestion. “At the same time?”

“Why not?” Iruka laughed shortly. “Maybe if we’re already kicking each other’s asses, we can have a real conversation without arguing.”

“I mean. It’s worth a shot,” Kakashi murmured. “Grounds for sparring?”

“Hand-to-hand. No weapons, no ninjutsu…and no Sharingan,” If Kakashi was at all affected by the reminder of what he did (or could have done, Iruka reminded himself) he didn’t show it. Iruka shot Kakashi a wry smile. “I think that should be enough pre-damage control for us.”

Kakashi snorted softly, but slowly began removing weapons from his uniform. Iruka did the same, both of them working in silence. Once they had made two separate piles of their gear near the fence, including all of their holsters and both of their vests, they turned to face each other again. Iruka felt like maybe he should start with talking, but his words all felt stuck in his throat. So instead, he slipped into a ready stance when Kakashi did, barely managing to ready himself before Kakashi surged forward, and then Iruka was entirely occupied with countering blows. Kakashi wasn’t going easy on him, either; pushing Iruka back towards the outline of the trees. Iruka cursed himself mentally for getting caught off guard, dropping into a crouch to avoid a blow and coming up fast, causing Kakashi to have to leap backwards to avoid getting struck on the chin. Iruka darted forward after him, a jab to Kakashi’s side managing to brush against his shirt before Kakashi caught him at the wrist and elbow, redirecting Iruka’s momentum and sending him toward the ground. Iruka managed to recover into a roll, but before he could steady himself on his feet Kakashi was on him again, knocking him flat with a knee in Iruka’s chest and taking the breath completely out of him.

Iruka wheezed out a groan, tapping gently at Kakashi’s thigh, remaining on his back as Kakashi eased off of him. He took in a deep breath, wincing a little at the pain in his chest. He sat up slowly, looking up and pausing when he met Kakashi’s gaze, his hand outstretched to help him up.

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said simply.

Iruka raised a suspicious eyebrow, accepting Kakashi’s hand and pulling himself up. “For what?”

“Bringing up Mizuki,” Kakashi kept his hold on Iruka’s hand, though it was loose enough that Iruka could easily break it. “That was something you told me in confidence, and it was out of line for me to bring it up. I’m sorry, Iruka.”

“You’re right, it was,” Iruka muttered, pulling his hand away from Kakashi’s with perhaps more force than was necessary. “Come on. Another round.”

Kakashi nodded, falling back into a fighting stance only moments before Iruka kicked sharply towards his head. Iruka started out of the offensive this time, but predictably, it wasn’t long until he ended up on the ground. Kakashi managed to get behind him, landing a hard blow directly on the center of his back, sending Iruka forward. He caught himself with both hands, quickly rolling to the side to avoid Kakashi’s move to pin him. Iruka kicked toward Kakashi’s thighs, knocking his left knee aside so Kakashi had to catch himself with a hand on the ground beside Iruka. Iruka grabbed Kakashi’s wrist, pulling it out from under Kakashi and twisting it behind his back. Kakashi let out a grunt as his chest solidly hit the ground, both of Iruka’s knees bracing him on either side as Iruka sat on his back.

“I—I’m sorry too,” Iruka grit out, pushing himself off of Kakashi’s back and walking a few steps away. “You’re not to blame for what happened with Sasuke. And…your teaching isn’t to blame for the tragedies in the village. That wasn’t fair.”

Kakashi stood, stretching his arm out and falling back into a ready stance. Iruka readied himself, meeting Kakashi’s flurry of blows with his own whenever he could. He cursed out loud when a bad dodge made him lose his footing, Kakashi’s kick to the chest sending him back against the wooden training post. His back hit the post hard and he groaned, Kakashi’s forearm landing hard across his collarbones, pinning them eye-to-eye.

“I’m not apologizing for going out to avenge Asuma.”

“Didn’t expect you to,” Iruka grunted, his knee coming up under Kakashi’s raised arm to land hard on his side. Iruka used the distraction to duck out of Kakashi’s hold, pushing himself up off the training post and causing Kakashi to leap aside to avoid Iruka landing on him.

“Maybe not, but you _want_ me to,” Kakashi pointed out, eye following Iruka wearily. “You want me to admit to being wrong. But hear me out, Iruka, please.”

“I’m all ears,” Iruka moved slowly, the two starting to circle each other as they spoke. “Explain yourself, then.”

“You made good points,” Kakashi conceded. “About Shikamaru’s emotional state, and taking the time to strategize without being compromised. And about knowing your enemy before you fight them. You were right on every point.”

“I know.”

“But,” Kakashi spoke a little louder. “You weren’t _there_. You think I would have backed their team if I thought they were walking into death? I would ask what I’ve done to make you think so little of me, if I wasn’t so afraid of the answer.”

Iruka froze, stunned, for a split second, before clenching his jaw tighter and staying quiet.

“I’ll address your concerns, they were valid. Firstly, you worried about Shikamaru being emotionally compromised. So did I. Of course, he was angry, he was grieving, but this wasn’t a split-second decision. He’d thought about his next move for days, Iruka. Nothing he did was an impulse,” Kakashi paused, as if waiting for Iruka to argue. When he didn’t, Kakashi continued. “As for knowing your enemy; who better to take the mission than one of the sole survivors of facing them before? Shikamaru is one of the only people in the village who _could_ have made that strategy, because he held the most cards. We had to act fast, on the information we had, and he did it quite effectively. Brilliantly, in fact.”

Iruka swallowed heavily, his instinct to be weary during their sparring match the only thing keeping him from looking away from Kakashi’s gaze.

“I know that you spend a lot of time in the village here—and it was wrong of me to imply that makes you weaker, I know it doesn’t. But my point is that you don’t _know_ these kids like I do, not anymore.” Kakashi dropped his stance, his shoulders slumping again. “And…not knowing is the worst. I know you don’t get to know about where your students are going, or what kind of danger they’re facing, even when they come back they can’t tell you details. Iruka, I know what it’s like to not know what’s happening to the people you love.”

“Do you?” Iruka asked, feeling his hands tighten into fists. “Do you know? How long has it been since you weren’t getting _all_ the village information all the time, Kakashi? Since you were well and truly left in the dark?”

“It’s been a while,” Kakashi admitted. “But it was enough to leave a lasting impression. Please, just trust me when I say that I _know_ , at least partially, how it feels. And I know that you’re worried, and I know you want to make sure that the people you care about stay safe. But you can’t do that by keeping them in the village, Iruka. You know that.”

“I…I know,” Iruka seemed to deflate, turning his gaze down toward the ground. “I know I can’t. And I know they aren’t kids, anymore, they’re all so much stronger and more capable and I _know_ that, but—”

“They’re doing their part to protect the village, and that comes with risk. It’s a risk we all take, Iruka,” Kakashi stepped closer, waiting until Iruka looked back up at him. “How old were you when you first accepted the reality of giving your life for the village?”

Iruka’s eyes widened a little in surprise, but he answered honestly. “Twelve,” he spoke softly. “I was twelve. Two years after my parents—the first time it _really_ almost happened I was eighteen. You were there.”

“I remember,” Kakashi nodded. “That was the mission that made you decided to teach. Not because you weren’t ready to trade your life for Konoha—but because you wanted to pass on that strength.”

“I don’t understand why—”

“I’m getting to why,” Kakashi spoke firmly. “Iruka, there’s people in the village you’d willingly die for. Am I right?”

“Of course,” Iruka nodded. “Of course there are.”

“And there’s people in the village who would die for you, Iruka,” Kakashi murmured. “Without a moment’s hesitation.”

Iruka felt his throat go dry at the softness of Kakashi’s voice, and he just nodded weakly. “I know that.”

“Every shinobi has someone,” Kakashi continued. “Even if it’s not someone specific, it’s the village as a whole. You chose that at age twelve. It’s our duty,” he paused. “Why are you denying Naruto the same choice?”

“I—I’m not denying it!” Iruka protested. “I’m—I just,” he sighed heavily, reaching a hand up to rub at his scar slowly. “I just…really, _really_ wish he wouldn’t,” he whispered, shaking his head quickly as if to dispel the very thought. “And that’s terrible, and selfish, and I know all that but I—”

“It is kind of selfish, yeah,” Kakashi shrugged. “Iruka. It’s not wrong to want people you care about to be safe. The measures you’ve taken to try and keep families together longer, and children safer for longer…they’re incredible, and I support them. But you can’t expect reform to be instantaneous,” he paused, letting out a soft sigh. “Naruto and the rest of them…let them be part of the reform for the next generation. With how much they all love you, they’ll make better headway with those old fucks in the council for sure.”

Iruka laughed weakly, shaking his head slowly. “Kakashi, I…I forgot what it was like, being afraid to lose someone,” he admitted, looking back up at Kakashi. “I was alone for too long and then I—suddenly I cared about people so _much_ and they were reckless and the worry just made me crazy,” he stepped closer, making a move to reach out but stopping himself halfway. “I blamed you for feelings that were entirely my fault. And…I’m sorry.”

Iruka let out a heavy breath of air when he finished speaking, staring up into Kakashi’s gaze steadily. Kakashi stayed silent for several seconds, each one stretching out longer than the last. Iruka swallowed heavily, about to backtrack, to go back home as fast as possible, when Kakashi finally spoke.

“I appreciate your apology,” Kakashi murmured. “Iruka, I wish you would just _talk_ to me about these things. I know I haven’t been a shining example of trustworthiness recently, but…I think talking is a much better option than whatever the hell happened this week. Yeah?”

“Yes,” Iruka mumbled, feeling his cheeks get hot. “I—I’ll try.”

Kakashi smiled a little, offering his hand out to Iruka. “So…friends?”

“Friends?” Iruka laughed softly, glancing from Kakashi’s hand back to his face. “Is that what we are?”

“I don’t know,” Kakashi said frankly. “I’d like to be. If you do.”

Iruka paused, his gaze falling back down to Kakashi’s outstretched hand. This sparring match, while it did lay the groundwork for the conversations he knew he and Kakashi should be having, it was nothing more than that. A figurative band-aid over the wounds they caused each other in the past few days. And, arguments aside, there were things Iruka had been putting off discussing with Kakashi for years. Nothing had been _fixed_ tonight, and trying to push it off with a handshake ad a smile would hardly do. But, he supposed…they wouldn’t be able to fix things if they weren’t at least speaking.

Iruka took Kakashi’s hand in his own, squeezing it quickly. “Okay,” he agreed, his voice soft. “Friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in kind of a weird spot right now with my writing, and I feel like I'll probably be taking a break. Hopefully a short one, and I do have a few more chapters of this written so I really hope that it won't effect my posting schedule too badly. Adult life is just acting up again, but hopefully I can get back into the groove soon. But if I'm not active here, do feel free to visit me on my [main tumblr](http://www.mascmalfunction.tumblr.com) or my [fanfiction sideblog](http://www.masc-malfunctionfanfic.tumblr.com) if you're at all interested in that sort of thing. I'm trying my best to write this story well and make sure it's the best I can do. Your thoughts and comments make my day! <3


	21. Chapter 21

For Iruka, being “friends” with Kakashi felt like walking on eggshells. They saw each other on occasion, and the interactions were always awkward and tense. They weren’t unfriendly, but just…awkwardly formal. It was made all the more worse by the fact that every other shinobi, even ones that weren’t present at the meeting, never took their eyes off the two of them whenever they had any kind of interactions in public. Some, in the beginning, would even ready weaponry just in case. It was humiliating, but easy enough to ignore.

He hadn’t seen Kakashi alone for several days. While he supposed that was for the best, it did make it hard for them to really talk. They hadn’t had a conversation of any depth since that night on the training ground. Which wouldn’t have been nearly as frustrating if it weren’t for the fact that Izumo made good on his threat to enlist Anko and Kotetsu for teasing Iruka any chance they got. It just reminded Iruka of his lack of opportunity to speak in any sort of privacy with Kakashi, even if he _did_ scrape up the nerve.

Iruka should have suspected something was different when Kakashi showed up at his door one night.

“Okay…the window, I expect. This must be serious,” Iruka tried to keep his tone light, but he couldn’t keep a slight edge of worry in his voice.

“Semi-serious,” Kakashi murmured, shrugging a shoulder. “I’m leaving on a mission. I…wanted to see you before I left.”

“Oh,” Iruka’s stomach felt a little heavy. “Akatsuki?”

“Itachi,” Kakashi confirmed.

Iruka swallowed heavily, unsure of what to say. He knew that Kakashi’s last interaction with Itachi had resulted in torture and a coma, he couldn’t imagine how Kakashi felt about a mission with the express intent of running into him again.

“Are you worried?”

Kakashi snorted softly, his shoulders seeming to slump a little farther. “Wouldn’t you be?”

“I am,” Iruka shifted closer, folding his arms over his chest. “Promise you’ll be careful, Kakashi.”

“I will,” Kakashi remained still when Iruka moved closer, letting him move slowly into his space. “As much as I can.”

Iruka nodded slowly, biting on his lower lip distractedly. “Do you expect to be gone long?”

“I can’t really say,” Kakashi sighed softly, still unmoving as Iruka drifted even closer. “It could be a while.”

Iruka looked up, holding Kakashi’s gaze steadily, cautiously reaching out to brush his fingers up Kakashi’s arm. “How soon until you leave?”

Goosebumps erupted up Kakashi’s arm at Iruka’s gentle touch. “I have time.”

Iruka moved his hand up over Kakashi’s shoulder, sliding his fingers into Kakashi’s hair. Iruka tugged him forward gently, Kakashi’s hands coming to rest on Iruka’s hips when their foreheads brushed together.

“How much time?”

A shiver ran up Kakashi’s spine at Iruka’s whispered question, and he pulled Iruka the rest of the short distance between them.

“Enough.”

Iruka nodded shortly, taking the front of Kakashi’s flak vest in his fists, stepping backwards towards his bedroom. Kakashi followed easily, letting Iruka guide him until he was sitting on the edge of Iruka’s bed. Iruka stood in front of him, between Kakashi’s legs, his fingers brushing over the edge of Kakashi’s mask hesitantly. Kakashi closed his fingers over Iruka’s, dragging his mask down over his face, offering Iruka a small half-smile. He reached up slowly, pulling the tie from Iruka’s hair and slipping it around his wrist.

“I better get that back,” Iruka murmured, ducking his head and nuzzling under Kakashi’s jaw.

“Hm, you might,” Kakashi’s breath hitched softly when Iruka bit down, and he gripped onto Iruka’s hips tightly.

Iruka pressed a kiss to the side of Kakashi’s neck, tugging the zipper of Kakashi’s flak vest down and pushing the fabric off his shoulders. Kakashi responded by running his hands up under Iruka’s shirt, brushing against his sides and taking Iruka’s shirt off when he moved back enough to allow it. Kakashi dropped Iruka’s shirt on the ground, pulling Iruka closer by the waist and brushing his lips across Iruka’s collarbone. Iruka let out a soft sound as Kakashi’s lips trailed over his chest, sinking his fingers into Kakashi’s hair and tugging reflexively when Kakashi ran his tongue over a nipple.

“Kakashi,” Iruka let his name slip on a breath, arching his hips against the press of Kakashi’s fingers. “Missed you,” Iruka spoke before he could let himself think too much, barely registering what he had said.

Kakashi paused, turning his gaze up to meet Iruka’s. “Missed me?” he asked, murmuring into Iruka’s chest. “Or missed this?”

“I—both,” Iruka answered, fleeing his cheeks heat up. “I missed this _with_ you.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi smiled against Iruka’s skin. “Me too.”

Kakashi ducked his head further, trailing his mouth down Iruka’s stomach, feeling Iruka’s muscles tense the closer he got to the waistband of his pants. Iruka’s breath picked up as Kakashi sucked a mark low on his hip bone, letting out a small noise when he felt Kakashi’s fingers moving to undo his button and fly. Kakashi pulled Iruka’s pants open, mouthing along the line of Iruka’s cock through his underwear, drawing a soft whine from Iruka’s lips. Iruka gripped onto Kakashi’s shoulder tightly as Kakashi continued to work over him with his mouth, the last layer of fabric a barrier that prevented the touches from being anything more than teasing.

Iruka finally groaned, pushing Kakashi up by his shoulders, tugging his shirt off him and tossing it onto the floor. He gave Kakashi one last nudge, watching as he flopped back onto the bed, before settling himself on his knees between Kakashi’s thighs, making quick work of his pants and underwear before taking Kakashi into his mouth.

“Oh fuck, Iruka,” Kakashi choked on the words, his fingers scrabbling for traction on Iruka’s sheets.

Iruka just hummed softly in response, relishing in the soft, high-pitched whimper that drew from Kakashi as he grew harder in Iruka’s mouth. Iruka took his time, setting a lazy, indulgent pace as he ran his lips, tongue, and fingers over Kakashi’s cock. He looked up through his lashes, greeted by the sight of Kakashi against his rumpled bedsheets, one hand clenched in the blankets and the other used to bite down on to muffle his voice. Iruka pulled off of Kakashi slowly, waiting until Kakashi’s eye blinked open to meet his gaze before moving up onto the bed beside him. Iruka took Kakashi’s wrist gently, guiding it away from his mouth and onto his own waist. Kakashi raised his eyebrow, turning onto his side to face Iruka, running his fingers over the skin of Iruka’s hip before dipping below the waistband of his underwear. Iruka shuddered gently as Kakashi wrapped his fingers around him, unable to draw his gaze from Kakashi’s as he stoked Iruka in one long, slow motion.

“Is this what you want, Sensei?”

Iruka nodded, biting down hard on his lower lip as his hips twitched forward, enough to grind against Kakashi, who sucked in a startled breath. Iruka slid his hand over Kakashi’s chest slowly, shifting his body closer, pressing his body flush with Kakashi’s and tucking his face in the crook of Kakashi’s neck. From this position, he rolled his hips again, letting out a soft noise when Kakashi released his cock in favor of grabbing onto his ass and pulling him in closer.

Iruka surrendered then, knowing that Kakashi was in control and fully submitting to it. Kakashi needed it; Iruka could tell by the cut of Kakashi’s nails into his skin where he gripped, by the hot rush of air as Kakashi breathed heavy into his hair, by the feel of Kakashi’s chest and shoulders under Iruka’s hands, coiled and tense as he rutted against Iruka in short, too-controlled thrusts. He needed control, but was unwilling to take it. He didn’t want to _take_ from Iruka.

But, maybe for once, Iruka could give.

Iruka pulled back, just slightly, rolling onto his back and pulling Kakashi on top of him. Kakashi caught himself with an arm beside Iruka’s head, looking down at him as if confused. Iruka simply swallowed, trailing his hand up until it reached the hand Kakashi had beside his face, smiling almost shyly when Kakashi tangled their fingers together and pressed Iruka’s hand into his mattress. Iruka reached for Kakashi’s other hand, slowly, and Kakashi met him halfway; their linked fingers pinning both of Iruka’s hands beside him in a gesture both tender and possessive.

Iruka arched his back, letting out a soft sigh when Kakashi pressed his hips down, sliding his thigh between Iruka’s legs and pinning him fully to the mattress. He rolled his hips down against Iruka’s purposefully, his face twisting both in pleasure and with the effort to keep his voice in. Iruka whined softly, hooking a leg around Kakashi’s waist and pulling Kakashi’s hips down against his own.

Kakashi groaned then, his voice low and rough in Iruka’s ear as he dropped his head onto Iruka’s shoulder. He released Iruka’s left wrist, trailing his hand down Iruka’s body and taking both of their cocks in his hand and stroking firmly.

“Fuck, Kakashi,” Iruka gasped sharply, his free hand wrapping around Kakashi’s shoulders to fist in his hair. Iruka squirmed underneath Kakashi’s weight as Kakashi fucked against him in his own fist, crying out softly when he felt Kakashi bite down on his neck to muffle a deep groan. Iruka dragged his nails down Kakashi’s neck and shoulders, letting out small noises on every breath as Kakashi’s hand moved over them faster.

“Iruka,” Kakashi’s voice was strained and breathless, his breath hot against Iruka’s neck. The muscles in his shoulders tensed under Iruka’s hand for a short moment, before he relaxed with a weak, shuddering groan, coming against Iruka and into his own fist. His fingers tightened around Iruka’s hand as the other moved over Iruka’s cock faster, causing him to gasp in a sharp breath. Kakashi buried his face deeper into the crook of Iruka’s neck, sucking a mark below his ear, murmuring things Iruka couldn’t quite make out into his skin.

“Oh, fuck—” Iruka managed to gasp out the words before he was coming hard into Kakashi’s hand. He bit down hard on his lower lip, squeezing his eyes shut tight as the intensity of his orgasm rushed through him. He felt a tear escape from the corner of his eye and hoped that he could wipe it away before Kakashi saw. He turned his face away one Kakashi eased off of him, hastily wiping at his face as he heard the rustling of Kakashi adjusting his clothes, his mattress shifting as Kakashi moved to stand.

All at once, Iruka felt a horrible jerk in the pit of his stomach. He turned quickly, reaching his hand out to grip the closes part of Kakashi he could reach. Kakashi paused once Iruka’s fingers were tangled in the back of his shirt, glancing over his shoulder with question in his eye.

“Don’t leave,” Iruka let the plea slip past his lips in a moment he would chalk up to post-orgasm weakness, feeling his cheeks flush when Kakashi only looked down at him, surprised.

“Iruka…you know that I—”

“No, I know, I don’t mean the mission,” Iruka hastily corrected. “I know you have to—I just meant…you can stay here. If you want. If you have time. You could sleep here.”

Kakashi’s expression softened after another moment of surprise, and he slowly let himself lie back down on Iruka’s mattress, pulling his mask fully off. After an awkward moment of hesitation, Iruka shifted closer, resting his head on Kakashi’s shoulder and feeling the corner of his mouth twitch into a small smile when Kakashi’s arm circled his shoulders. Both of them were still a little too tense for it to be relaxing, both a little too conscious of their own tendencies to make a mess of their time together. But Kakashi was warm, and his careful, even breaths were lulling Iruka into a state of unguarded drowsiness.

“We still probably should talk, you know,” Kakashi murmured, his hand loosely holding Iruka’s shoulder tracing a mindless pattern into his skin. “About everything.”

Iruka groaned softly, wrinkling his nose. Of course, that moment couldn’t just last. “You suck at pillowtalk, you know that?”

“I guess I walked into that one,” Kakashi laughed shortly. “But that doesn’t make it less true.”

Iruka sighed heavily, looking down at his own hands. Kakashi was right, of course. There was still a lot that they didn’t touch upon, a lot that their apologies didn’t cover. They couldn’t just fall into bed and ignore the problems forever, as tempting as it might be.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“We can shake hands, and smile, and mess around like nothing happened. But the fact remains that we both were aiming to kill that day.”

Iruka swallowed heavily, rolling away from Kakashi and looking up at the ceiling. The memory of Kakashi’s Sharingan turned onto him was enough to make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up even now, with Kakashi in his bed beside him.

“Well, at least you can rest knowing you would have won,” Iruka muttered, at a loss for what else to say. He couldn’t deny the truth to Kakashi’s words, he hadn’t been intending to hold anything back.

“That doesn’t exactly make me feel good, you know,” Kakashi said flatly. “If everyone hadn’t held us, we could have seriously hurt each other.”

“I know,” Iruka sighed, scrubbing his hands over his eyes. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I snapped. I haven’t snapped that bad since I was a Genin. I don’t even think I realized what I was doing until I got held back.”

Kakashi nodded slowly, mulling over what Iruka had said. “That makes sense,” he said quietly. “The amount of…rage, and killing intent, and just…energy that your chakra gave off, in that moment? It was a wake-up call, to be sure,” Kakashi paused, turning to look at Iruka. “It was…alarming, to say the least. Do you keep all that locked up in there all the time?”

“I don’t know,” Iruka turned his head, meeting Kakashi’s gaze. “I think…I’ve had a lot bottled up for a really long time,” he admitted. “I don’t really trust easily. As I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

“I may have suspected,” Kakashi said dryly. “Though I might not have expected the intensity.”

“What, you thought you were the only repressed one in the village?” Iruka snorted.

“Not by a long shot,” Kakashi took a long pause, his brows furrowing. “But you hide it well.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“I don’t know if that was a compliment or not,” Kakashi admitted. “You shouldn’t have to keep all that to yourself.”

Iruka sighed heavily, before turning back toward Kakashi and tucking his face into his shoulder again. “I’m trying not to. Not as much, at least. But there’s a lot, Kakashi.”

“Believe me, I know,” Kakashi wrapped an arm around Iruka’s shoulders again. “But Iruka…you remember last time we were here, and you said I could talk to you about stuff? The same goes for you, you know.”

“I know,” Iruka mumbled.

“You do a lot of listening to other people. You’re a shoulder that a lot of people come to lean on. And it’s awesome, but you have to be able to let some of your own shit go, sometimes,” Kakashi looked down at Iruka, seeming to struggle with his next words for a few seconds. “This may be hypocritical, I know. But it’s not healthy to lock everything up all the time. Trust people to help you.”

“That is kinda hypocritical,” Iruka wrinkled his nose. “Trust goes two ways, Kakashi. We…we’re only honest with each other once in a blue moon. That doesn’t exactly foster trust.”

Iruka glanced up when Kakashi remained silent, trying to read Kakashi’s facial expression. As usual, it was frustratingly neutral. He’d gotten better at understanding Kakashi; the things he did and said. At least, he liked to think that he did. But Kakashi was still an expert at espionage, whether that meant professionally or socially. If Kakashi didn’t want to be known in that moment, Iruka didn’t stand a chance.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Iruka murmured, turning his face back into Kakashi’s shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me anything. This— _we_ —have been kind of fucked up, from the beginning. There’s no denying that,” Iruka paused when he heard Kakashi let out a small huff in laughter. “But that stuff about trust, I…I do trust you, Kakashi. More than I’ve trusted a lot of people. And I—you—” Iruka swallowed heavily, the words getting caught in his throat again. Like they always did. “Just come back safe, Kakashi.”

Kakashi stayed silent for several long moments, but his arm around Iruka’s shoulder tightened until he was holding Iruka tightly against his side. When Iruka glanced back up at his face, both of Kakashi’s eyes were shut.

“I told you before,” Kakashi spoke, so softly Iruka almost missed it. “Wherever I am, I’ll come back. I meant it.”

Iruka breathed out a small sigh, wrapping an arm over Kakashi’s chest. It was a promise no shinobi could keep, and they both knew it. But right then, in that moment, Iruka couldn’t argue with something that he wanted so badly to believe.

Iruka let the rhythm of Kakashi’s breathing take him all the way to sleep, jerking awake hours later to the tail end of a sunrise lighting his empty bed.

Iruka’s hairtie was sitting on his bedside table, on top of a clearly hastily-scribbled note: _Guess I suck at goodbyes, too. I’ll see you when I get back_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It's been weeks. It was amuch longer break than I anticipated, but it was also much needed. I finally feel like I'm getting back in my groove with writing.  
> I hope I didn't make you wait too unbearably long! Your thoughts and comments make my day as always <3


	22. Chapter 22

Iruka read the notes at least three times, his sleep-foggy brain racing to fill in details about the last night, and what the note meant. He wanted to be angry; about last night, about being left in the morning, but the fire wasn’t there. He wasn’t angry at Kakashi, and he wouldn’t be. He couldn’t cover up the fear with anger this time, not if he really wanted to make good on his promise to be more honest.

Kakashi’s note had only made the worry sit heavy in the pit of Iruka’s stomach, along with the twistings of guilt. He didn’t regret sleeping with Kakashi, and he knew the conversation they had was much needed. But he still couldn’t say anything, still didn’t say what _needed_ to be said. It felt wrong now, to sleep with Kakashi when he felt this way. It felt like he was lying to Kakashi somehow, like he was taking advantage. This quiet pining while hooking up with Kakashi wasn’t fair to either of them, but Iruka wasn’t strong enough to stop it anytime soon. Still, even so, he doubled down on his resolution. He had to talk to Kakashi.

Of course, neither he nor Kakashi lead the kind of life that often allowed for private moments for personal matters. When Kakashi arrived back at the village, he also effectively disappeared. Iruka knew he was back, he knew the moment he caught sight of Sakura in the crowd heading toward her parent’s house. So, they were home. And Iruka couldn’t even sense Kakashi, even if he tried.

Another person might have taken that as a sign that Kakashi wanted time alone, might have acknowledged the fact that if a man like Kakashi wanted to stay hidden, he’d be pretty hard to find. But Iruka wasn’t like most people, not where Kakashi was concerned.

Which is how Iruka ended up on Kakashi’s doorstep, late at night, knocking firmly and loudly. He paused, staring at the closed door, shoving his hand deep into his pockets. Kakashi’s apartment was silent and dark, but Iruka remained unconvinced. Kakashi was concealing himself, but he was close by. Iruka may not be able to sense him like he could sense other shinobi in that moment, but he _knew_.

In an impulse decision Iruka himself couldn’t even truly explain, he backed away from Kakashi’s door and leaped up toward the roof of Kakashi’s building. His heart leapt when he saw that he was right: Kakashi was silhouetted against the falling dusk, crouched on the far edge of the roof. He didn’t move when Iruka arrived, but Iruka wouldn’t entertain any ideas that Kakashi didn’t know he was there. He didn’t react until Iruka was right beside him, until Iruka was sat to his right with a leg hanging over the edge of the rooftop.

“Sorry I left without saying goodbye.”

Iruka let out a small huff in laughter, shaking his head gently. “Hardly what I’m worried about, Kakashi.”

“Yeah?” Kakashi kept his gaze forward, towards the horizon. “What are you worried about, then?”

“You,” Iruka said honestly. “I was worried about your mission. And since you disappeared as soon as you came back, it’s not getting any better.”

Kakashi remained silent, and Iruka sighed heavily. He knew that he and Kakashi didn’t have the greatest history of talking out their issues, but dammit, they needed to _try._

“How was your mission?” Iruka asked, hoping that at least he could gauge what was wrong.

“A success only in the sense that we have new intel on Itachi Uchiha.”

Kakashi’s voice was flat, and quiet, and it made a chill run down Iruka’s spine. “That’s…good news, isn’t it?”

“He’s dead.”

Iruka’s eyes widened as Kakashi’s statement sunk in, and he drew in a deep breath. “He’s—”

“Sasuke killed him.”

There it was, the other shoe waiting to drop. So, Sasuke finally got what he wanted. Everything he’d worked toward in the academy and training with Kakashi, everything he wanted when he defected to Orochimaru. Everything Kakashi had tried to pull him away from. Iruka could guess what it was, then, that had Kakashi trying to shut himself away from the world. But he didn’t want to guess, not anymore.

“Are you…upset? That he’s dead?”

“No,” Kakashi said, his voice gruff. He was still refusing to meet Iruka’s eyes. “I’m relieved that Itachi’s dead.”

“Oh. Okay,” Iruka fell silent for several moments, still watching Kakashi’s face carefully. “Is it Sasuke that you’re upset about?” He knew that bringing up Sasuke was a risky move. Both of them tended to get tense when he was brought up, and Kakashi was clearly already on edge as it was. As much as they needed to talk, Iruka knew fully well that they shouldn’t force it when either of them was liable to get angry. He noticed the minute tense of Kakashi’s shoulders when he said the name, preparing to back off and leave Kakashi alone when he spoke again.

“Yes, but no. It’s me. I’m upset with me.”

“Do you want to talk about it, or do you want me to leave you alone?”

Kakashi sighed heavily, scrubbing at his exposed eye with the heel of his palm. “I don’t really want either of those things,” he admitted. “But I…I’ll talk about it.”

“You don’t have to,” Iruka said quickly. “But I’m here. I’ll listen.”

“I know I don’t have to,” Kakashi huffed softly. “But you were the one who said I was only honest with you once in a blue moon. I’ve thought about it a lot since then. And asked myself why you had to be so right.”

Iruka smiled weakly, scratching nervously at his scar. “I haven’t been right about a lot recently, Kakashi, let me have this one.”

Iruka was relieved when Kakashi laughed shortly, finally turning to face him. “I’m relieved Itachi’s dead,” he repeated, holding Iruka’s gaze steadily. “And being relieved about his death makes me feel like shit.”

“Why?” Iruka asked, his brow wrinkling. “That last time you saw Itachi, he put you in a coma after intense psychological torture. I think you have a bit of a right to be relieved.”

“He served with me,” Kakashi’s voice came out tense, and his fists were clenched at his sides. “He was on my ANBU squad. He was _eleven_ , when he was enlisted. He served with me, before the massacre.”

“Oh,” Iruka found himself, as he did with increasing frequency, at a loss for words. He struggled to swallow, his mouth having run dry as he turned over Kakashi’s words in his mind, trying to figure out a way to respond to what was not only classified information, but a huge bomb to drop on top of it all. Later, Iruka would have to think about the implications of Kakashi being so willing to tell him secrets; things that current and former ANBU were supposed to take to their grave. But the more pressing issue was Kakashi, right now, and the guilty aftermath of whatever happened on this mission.

“I was his last captain—his last mentor before he slaughtered his entire clan. The last person to lead him, and I—I got the assignment in the middle of that night. My squad was sent to the Uchiha compound because they were organizing a coup d’état. When we got there, they were all dead. After we found Sasuke in that compound, and heard what he had to say…I was escorted to an interrogation room by my former comrades. Restrained and chakra-bound ‘for their safety’. Kept there for hours, finally they asked if ‘Friend-Killer Kakashi’ had any influence on Itachi’s plan. I didn’t even know that it had been him.” Kakashi paused for breath, the first break in what had been up until now an emotionless monologue. “When they let me out, Ten—the other member of our squad was also there. They questioned him, too. And we both—that’s how we found out. And we went back, and they—were trying to clean it up. Brush it under the rug, but it was all still _there_. The aftermath. What he’d done. And all I could think about was that _kid_ on my ANBU team, who was almost too small for the armor and too old for his age. How he had all this darkness in him and I _knew_ , and I didn’t do _anything_ to help.”

Iruka let out a heavy breath, slowly, carefully, reaching a hand out towards Kakashi. He slipped his fingers over Kakashi’s tight fist, feeling the tension in Kakashi’s fingers start to loosen under the touch. Slowly, Kakashi’s eye slid back into focus, coming to rest on Iruka’s face.

“Kakashi?” Iruka asked, softly. He waited silently as Kakashi’s hand moved beneath his, turning over so Iruka’s fingers could link with his. Iruka squeezed his hand gently, hoping that it could at least help ground him a little. Kakashi’s answering squeeze was tight, and desperate, but his eyes stayed focused as he spoke again.

“I was in denial for years. He was added to the Bingo Books and I…just wouldn’t look. I didn’t want to have to kill another member of my team, I knew I wasn’t strong enough to do that,” Kakashi shook his head slowly. “And then, the next time I saw him…he tried to kill me. Got close, too. And in the hospital, right before you came, that day? A part of me wished that he had.”

“Kaka—”

“You wanted honesty,” Kakashi said, his voice suddenly stronger. “And if Itachi had killed me that day, at least I wouldn’t have to kill another person who looked to me as a friend. As a leader.”

“But you didn’t,” Iruka protested. “You didn’t kill Itachi.”

“I may as well have,” Kakashi growled, pulling his fingers from Iruka's grip. “It was me who failed to talk Sasuke down from that ledge. My piss poor excuse for teaching. And it’s _my_ duty to go out and kill my student when this village inevitably tells me to.”

“Stop it,” Iruka cut Kakashi off, shaking his head firmly. “Stop, Kakashi, nobody is telling you to kill Sasuke!”

“Not yet,” Kakashi said flatly, his gaze boring holes into Iruka’s eyes. “But every attempt so far at getting him back has failed. The village won’t want to waste any more resources on a lot cause. And they won’t want said lost cause out causing trouble for the shinobi world at large. And once that happens, the only step to take is elimination. I’ve seen it hundreds of times, Iruka, Sasuke is not the exception.”

“But—”

“Iruka, please,” Kakashi suddenly sounded very, very tired. “Please don’t…I can’t, not right now.”

Iruka bit his lip, hard, holding back on every protest that was running through his mind. He couldn’t afford this to turn into an argument, and couldn’t stand how _exhausted_ Kakashi looked in the moment. He looked down, slowly moving his hand from where it rested onto his own thigh until it covered Kakashi’s. They were still for a long second, until Kakashi’s hand shifted until their fingers were intertwined. Kakashi’s breaths were even, and measured, but they shook with every exhale. And while his body seemed relaxed, he was gripping Iruka’s fingers a little too tightly to be comfortable.

“Kakashi,” Iruka murmured, sliding his thumb over the back of Kakashi’s knuckles gently. “You can’t save everyone. And no one expects you to. No one blames you for—for any of the tragedies faced by any Uchiha in the past 26 years.”

“I should have done more,” Kakashi spoke though his teeth, his voice shaking with the effort of keeping it in control. “It feels like I’ve never been able to keep the people who matter safe, Iruka. Ever since I was twelve years old and I—”

He cut himself off, but Iruka couldn’t miss the way his hand jerked towards his left eye. Iruka bit his lip hard, shifting closer to Kakashi’s side. This was a risky move, and he knew damn well that it was more likely to bite him on the ass than anything else. But he had to try.

“Kakashi?” Iruka asked, his voice smaller than usual. “What…happened to your eye?”

Kakashi stiffened next to him, and Iruka drew back quickly. He opened his mouth to backpedal, when Kakashi’s grip on his hand tightened, drawing him back in close.

“It’s okay,” Kakashi said, his voice sounding strangled. “I…just haven’t talked about it since then.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Iruka assured him.

“I know. But you’re the first person who’s asked that I actually want to tell,” Kakashi murmured. “The only person who hasn’t had a reason for asking.”

“You don’t have to tell me everything, either,” Iruka squeezed Kakashi’s hand gently. “Just…what you’re okay with.”

“I lost it during the third war,” Kakashi began. “It was the first mission we were running since I made Jonin. My team got split, two of us were going to rescue the third. We got in a fight outside where they were keeping her, and one of them got a hit. Sliced down my eye, that’s the scar,” he took a deep breath, before continuing. “After we got her back, the…the enemy came back. One was an earth user, and he—he collapsed the cave they had her in. One of my teammates pushed me out of the way, and he…didn’t make it out before the cave collapsed.”

Iruka looked down towards his lap, swallowing heavily. No matter how many times it happened, how many comrades in arms he ever lost, hearing about it never got any easier.

“Half his body was crushed by the rocks. He was barely alive when we found him. He told Rin to—told her to replace the eye I lost with his Sharingan. Said that was his gift to me, a congratulations for becoming Jonin. Because he was the only one that didn’t—”

Kakashi cut himself off again, turning his head so he was facing away from Iruka.

“That’s what happened. That’s how I got it.”

Iruka hesitated, before leaning close so that his weight rested against Kakashi’s arm. He rested his head on Kakashi’s shoulder, knowing that Kakashi probably wouldn’t allow himself much more vulnerability tonight. He’d pushed Kakashi enough.

“Thank you for telling me,” Iruka whispered. “And…for keeping your promise. For coming back.”

He didn’t just mean physically, and Iruka knew that Kakashi knew it. Kakashi did more than come back, he let Iruka in. He laid parts of himself bare, parts that other people in this village, no matter how high up on the food chain, didn’t get to see. That kind of trust was impossible to fake, and the weight of it had started to settle in Iruka’s chest. But it wasn’t an oppressive weight; it was warm and comfortable, like a blanket during the winter.

“Thanks for asking,” Kakashi murmured, looking back at Iruka again. “And…for giving me something more to come back to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like all these chapters have been so heavy recently! We're coming up on the end faster than I ever could have expected, and it has continued to be a wild ride. As always, your thoughts and comments make my day! <3


	23. Chapter 23

_“Maybe later.”_

The words had been ringing in Iruka’s mind ever since he had heard them. The Naruto he knew was never that sad—not since his early days in the academy, not since before Iruka had gotten his head out of his own ass and acknowledged how much he had in common with the boy who used laughter as a distraction from hurt. He couldn’t remember a single other time that Naruto had ever rejected an invitation to ramen, either. He knew he was being ridiculous, that Naruto was his own person and didn’t need Iruka breathing down his neck every time he seemed a _little_ _sad_. If Iruka was honest with himself, Naruto hadn’t needed him in a long time. And, while he was proud of Naruto and how much he’d grown up, a part of him longed for a time when Naruto would confide in him, would seek him out for help. He knew it was selfish, and that he was probably prying into things that weren’t his business yet again, but he couldn’t help it. The look in Naruto’s eyes this afternoon had been plaguing Iruka’s thoughts for hours now, he’d lost most of the day because he was so distracted.  Before he knew it, night had fallen, and he had gone out looking for Naruto.

He’d found him on a park bench, a double popsicle melting onto the ground and making a puddle mixed with the tears dripping off his chin. By this point, Iruka had heard more information, and had a better idea as to what was troubling Naruto. He didn’t feel the need to mention that he’d relentlessly hounded every source of information he had until he was finally able to gently bully someone into telling him, Naruto didn’t need to know that much. But he sat beside him, and he did his best to speak words that would comfort and encourage Naruto, and he did earn a small, tearful smile by the end of the night. Iruka wished it were enough to ease the ache in his chest.

He made sure Naruto got home soon after that, seeing that his body and eyelids were both heavy with the desire for sleep. Rest didn’t come so easy for Iruka that night, his mind still running wild with the events of the day. He didn’t know how long he lay motionless in his bed, staring up at the sliver of light that the break in his curtains let streak across the ceiling. But after what must have been several listless hours, he had had enough. He pushed his blankets off himself with a disgruntled huff, swinging his legs out of bed and standing. Before he could really think about what he was doing, or give himself a concrete plan, he was shoving his feet into his sandals and messily tying his hair up as he walked. He knew, in his gut, where he was going to end up when he left, but even then it didn’t stop the heat from embarrassment creeping up his neck when he landed in front of Kakashi’s apartment. He didn’t know what he hoped to accomplish in coming to Kakashi’s house this late at night, if Kakashi was home he was surely asleep. There was nothing to be gained in waking him up…for what? Because Iruka was having trouble sleeping? It only sounded dumber the longer Iruka thought about it. He’d almost talked himself out of it, going so far as to turn his back on Kakashi’s door, before he stopped himself. Honesty, right? That was his and Kakashi’s new schtick. He came here, he wanted Kakashi, he needed to follow through.

He turned back sharply, knocking on Kakashi’s door without giving himself a chance to back out. He stood by Kakashi’s door for several tense seconds, hearing no sign of movement from inside. He let out a heavy breath, his shoulders slumping with the release of tension. Kakashi probably wasn’t home. Iruka had gotten all worked up for nothing.

When the door opened up, Iruka nearly jumped out of his skin. Of course Kakashi wouldn’t make any sounds, even just coming to his door.

“Iruka?” Kakashi’s visible eye widened, surprise evident in his voice. “Is everything okay?”

“I, uh,” Iruka took Kakashi in, realizing that he was fully dressed, as if he was expecting a summons. Iruka internally smacked himself, biting his tongue hard. What was Kakashi supposed to expect, getting a knock on the door in the middle of the night? “Sorry, I woke you up, I didn’t mean—”

“Iruka,” Kakashi’s voice cut through Iruka’s rambling thoughts, and Iruka could recognize the rough undertones of grogginess in it now. “It’s okay. You can come in, if you want?”

Iruka nodded, following as Kakashi stepped aside to allow him in. He heard Kakashi shut the door behind him, feeling suddenly, incredibly awkward.

“So,” Kakashi spoke from behind him. “To what do I owe the surprise, Sensei?”

“I…couldn’t sleep,” Iruka admitted, feeling his cheeks heat up again. “I found out what happened, to Jiraiya, and I spoke to Naruto about it, but I can’t stop thinking about the conversation, and what I said, and—”

“Hey. Slow down,” Kakashi murmured, stepping around to face Iruka and taking both of Iruka’s fidgeting hands in his own. “Take a breath, okay?”

Iruka nodded, taking in a breath, letting Kakashi lead him onto his couch. He couldn’t fight off memories of the last time they were here; after Mizuki escaped from prison, and Iruka broke down in front of someone else for the first time since he was twelve years old.

“How is he? Naruto, I mean,” Kakashi asked, leaning closer. “I…wasn’t able to see him since…since he got the news.”

Iruka looked up, reading the guilt in Kakashi’s face as clear as in his voice. “You were there? When—when he found out?”

“I was,” Kakashi confirmed, sighing heavily. “I learned about it the same time he did. And if I had heard even a moment before, I would have done it differently.”

Iruka heard himself give a small, tired laugh. “I can assume he didn’t take the news quietly, Naruto.”

“Definitely not. He had some pretty choice things to say to Lady Hokage. Takes after a certain someone, challenging his superiors like that.”

Iruka laughed again, shaking his head and drawing his knees up to his chest. “Of all things I hoped I could teach him, that wasn’t on the list.”

“How was he?” Kakashi asked again. “When you saw him?”

Iruka paused, biting at his lower lip as he considered the question. “He wasn’t good. He was out, on a bench just…crying. And I talked to him, I tried to help, but I…”

Kakashi was quiet for several moments after Iruka trailed off, undoubtably waiting to see if he would complete his thought. When he didn’t, Kakashi spoke up again, softly.

“What happened, Iruka?”

“I don’t know, I—I helped. I think. He smiled at the end of it, I—” Iruka sighed heavily, scrubbing at his eyes with the palms of his hands. “I don’t know. I feel like it isn’t enough, anymore. The kind of help I’m giving…how much does it actually help? What good am I even doing, Kakashi? Naruto, he…he doesn’t even seek me out anymore, for help. I just…” he paused, looking down at his own hands. “It feels like I was only ever good at one thing, and…now I can barely even do it anymore, for the people who matter the most to me.”

Both men were silent after Iruka’s confession, and Iruka could feel his own personal shame growing with every passing second. He couldn’t help but feel stupid, voicing his insecurities aloud like that. He hadn’t ever before, not to anyone. He felt weak, like he was proving every shinobi who ever called him useless or soft entirely correct. There were bigger problems for him to worry about, as a shinobi sworn to protect the village. His friends, his comrades, even his current and former students all had bigger and more important worries. He shouldn’t be so hung up on petty insecurities, and he definitely shouldn’t be dragging Kakashi into them.

“Iruka,” Kakashi broke the silence, reaching out and taking Iruka’s hand in his own again. “I can’t speak for Naruto. Or anyone but me, but…I can tell you seriously, genuinely, I don’t know how I would have made it through the past few years if you weren’t around. I know that I’m not the best at comforting words, or any words, really, but…believe me, you are needed in this village. Naruto needs you, your students need you…I need you, Iruka.”

Iruka drew in a sharp breath, looking from his and Kakashi’s hands, up to Kakashi’s face, and back down to his lap.

“I don’t really see how anyone as strong as you or Naruto would need me, anymore.”

“I know you don’t,” Iruka looked up when Kakashi spoke again. He sounded…sad? “I know you don’t, not now. But it’s the truth. I don’t know if I have time to explain all the ways you matter to the village, but…the fact that you’re here at all, when I come home? Even if it’s just at the mission desk, to throw my report at me, you’re here. And you care that I come back. And that…means more than you know, Iruka.”

“Oh.”

It was all Iruka could think to say, feeling as though all his intelligent thought had flown out the window along with most of the reserves of his energy. He was very tired, and grateful and…relieved. He actually felt better. It was awkward, and a little embarrassing, but he felt better.

“I…thanks, Kakashi,” he murmured. “I’m sorry I woke you up for this. It was stupid.”

“Trust me, I’ve been woken up for worse,” Kakashi snorted softly. “I’d rather wake up to you than…most things, if I’m honest.”

Iruka choked on a breath, feeling his cheeks burn. “Well, uh. Glad I’m more preferable than a summons, at the very least.”

“You definitely are,” Kakashi paused, looking at Iruka seriously. “You, uh. Seem like you’re over your insomnia for the night?”

Iruka’s smile was overtaken by a yawn. “You can tell?” he shook his head quickly, trying to wake himself back up. “No, yeah. I’m exhausted. I guess I should, uh. Get out of your house.”

“You don’t have to,” Kakashi shrugged, his fingers giving Iruka’s a small squeeze. “You can stay. Sleep here. If you want.”

Iruka smiled a little, ducking his head before slowly pulling his fingers out of Kakashi’s gentle grip. “I do want,” he admitted, starting to stand. “I do. But I…shouldn’t. I have classes in the morning, and—”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kakashi stood to face Iruka, sliding his hands into his pockets. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me, you know.”

“Yeah,” Iruka fidgeted awkwardly. “But, um. Some other time?”

Kakashi laughed, shaking his head slowly and shooting Iruka a grin. “I think that could be arranged, yeah.”

“Okay,” Iruka turned, pausing when he reached Kakashi’s door. “Thanks, again, Kakashi. Really.”

“Anytime, Sensei.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have an excuse for how long it took me to post this, aside from the fact that my work life has been very intense lately. This chapter is pretty short, but I was stuck on it for a while. Hopefully I can get my writing mojo back after this. Your thoughts and comments make my day, as always <3


	24. Chapter 24

Despite all comforts and assurances from Kakashi, and despite all outward appearances of the village, Iruka couldn’t shake the feeling of impending doom. Even as Iruka went through the motions of his daily routine, something seemed wrong. He tried to tell himself that it was residual anxiety from the recent news of Jiraiya, not to mention the fact that Naruto was leaving to train in yet another undisclosed location. All he’d managed to get out of him, in between mouthfuls of ramen, was he was going somewhere _super cool_ to learn a _super awesome power_. Iruka was happy for him, and proud, he really was. But, despite Naruto’s excitement, he hated the thought of Naruto leaving again, and so soon after he returned.

No matter how much Iruka tried to push those feelings aside, they only continued to fester deep in the pit of his stomach. He wished there was some way to ease his mind, but he’d trusted his instincts for this long. Something was brewing, something bigger than his pay grade. No matter who he asked, no matter which sources of information he shook, he wasn’t getting any insight. He’d eventually returned home, discouraged, curling up on the floor with a stack of overdue grading that he’d ignored for long enough.

“Hey,”

Iruka looked up from the papers on his coffee table, shooting Kakashi a fond glare as he slid through Iruka’s window. Iruka pushed his papers away, curling his legs up under himself and leaning his back against his couch.

“Yes, please, Kakashi-sensei. Come in,” Iruka rolled his eyes. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

“You actually offering?” Kakashi teased.

“Ah, why the hell not,” Iruka shrugged, pushing himself off his floor and stretching his arms above his head as he walked toward the kitchen. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“I can’t come by for no reason?”

Iruka snorted softly, setting the kettle on the stove and turning back to send Kakashi a challenging look.

“Statistically? No, you can’t,” Iruka grinned. “You never have before. So, what is it?”

“Ouch,” Kakashi feigned a wounded tone of voice. “So skeptical of my intentions, Sensei.”

“Not without good reason,” Iruka turned, pulling two teacups down from his cabinets and starting to search for tea. “So, what is it?”

“It’s just been a bit since I’ve seen you,” Kakashi answered measuredly, leaning back against Iruka’s kitchen counter. “I’ve…been aiding the investigation into Jiraiya’s death.”

“Right,” a slow grin spread over Iruka’s face. “I hear you had to read your dirty books aloud to the cryptography division.”

Kakashi groaned, the tips of his ears turning pink. “Dammit, who told you?”

“Word came from Lady Tsunade herself,” Iruka paused. “Right after she said she was glad to hear that we were speaking again.”

“Who told _her?_ ”

“Um,” Iruka fidgeted. “Probably Kotetsu. Or Izumo.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, surprised. “They…know?”

“Not everything!” Iruka protested, feeling his cheeks flushing. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. They didn’t know details, no. But they also knew some things Kakashi didn’t, didn’t they? Things about _feelings_. “They know that you and I, are. Complicated.”

“Out of…purely professional interest, of course,” Kakashi began, moving closer. “What have you told them?”

“I. I, um,” Iruka swallowed heavily, folding his arms over his chest and casting his eyes towards to floor. “A while ago, after we…fought. We were under house arrest, and Izumo came to check on me, and he…talked some things out with me. About you. What I…think of you.”

“Oh?” The raise of Kakashi’s eyebrow wasn’t surprised or suspicious anymore, but teasing. “And what, exactly, did you tell him you thought of me?”

“I thought a lot of things,” Iruka muttered, slightly defensive. “But not all of them were bad. In fact, most of them weren’t.”

Kakashi laughed, shaking his head gently. “That’s the best I’m gonna get out of you, huh?”

“You’re lucky to get that much, Hatake.”

Iruka turned away, his back toward Kakashi as he busied himself with any idle task that could keep his hands from fidgeting, settling on putting teabags in cups. Kakashi’s voice was quiet, so quiet Iruka almost missed it. Almost missed the warmth he hadn’t heard coming from anyone in years.

“I know.”

Iruka nearly dropped the teacup he’d picked up, his heart stuttering heavily in his chest. Oh. _Oh_. For all that he wasn’t prepared for his own emotions, or how to deal with them, he _definitely_ wasn’t prepared for the prospect of Kakashi’s being anything remarkably close to his own. He hadn’t even _thought_ about it being real; Kakashi returning his feelings. It just didn’t seem like it ever could be real.

“Iruka,”

Iruka took in a sharp breath, turning back quickly to face Kakashi. His breath caught in his throat when he realized that Kakashi had moved closer. Much, much closer. Iruka had to tilt his chin up to look Kakashi in the eye.

“Yes?”

Kakashi’s brow had furrowed, like he was struggling to come up with words to say what he wanted to Iruka. He reached a hand out to Iruka’s shoulder, drawing him just the slightest bit closer, before drawing in a steadying breath and speaking.

“I—” he cut himself off with a soft noise that Iruka vaguely recognized as frustration. Before Iruka could ask what was wrong, Kakashi spoke again. “War is coming, Iruka. Can you feel it?”

Iruka swallowed heavily, unable to look away from Kakashi’s gaze. “I know.”

“I don’t know what…kind of things I’ll have to do. Where I’ll be, by the end of it,” Kakashi’s hand tightened on Iruka’s shoulder, and Iruka could hear his heartbeat in his ears, but he couldn’t look away from Kakashi. “Before any of that happens, Iruka, I want—”

“Kakashi,” Iruka’s voice was sharp, bordering on desperate, and he only just managed to avoid covering Kakashi’s mouth with his hand, opting instead to press his palm against Kakashi’s chest. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest, and judging by what his hand was feeling, Kakashi was in much of the same predicament. Kakashi had frozen when Iruka cut him off, waiting for Iruka to find the words that currently had fled his mind. “I-I—”

Iruka _couldn’t_ let Kakashi finish his thought. He wanted to, he really wanted to, but he couldn’t. His heart was pounding, his stomach was twisting, his palms were sweating—he wasn’t ready to hear whatever it was Kakashi was going to say. Somewhere, within the turmoil he was currently facing, Iruka recognized the symptoms. He was fucking terrified. Letting Kakashi voice his feelings would mean not only having to face those, but also to face his own. Iruka couldn’t take that, not all at once, not right now.

“Keep your promise,” he ended up blurting out, lowering his gaze to where his hand rested over Kakashi’s heart. “Come back to me, after…and tell me then. I promise I’ll listen.”

Kakashi’s grip tightened yet again on Iruka’s shoulder, accompanying a new, sad roughness to Kakashi’s voice that made Iruka’s insides squirm with guilt.

“But, Iruka, if I don’t—”

“You _will_ ,” Iruka insisted, turning his gaze back up to meet Kakashi’s. Kakashi held his gaze steady, visible eye glassy and unreadable.

“You know damn well that is a promise I can’t make,” Kakashi’s calm façade was breaking, his voice becoming louder as he lost some of his control. “We’ve been lucky so far, Iruka. But it’s _luck_. Just let me—”

“ _Please_ , Kakashi,” Iruka whispered, his fingers digging in slightly to grip at the front of Kakashi’s flak vest. “I can’t right now, I—Just promise me. Please.”

Kakashi didn’t answer immediately. A desperate silence stretched between them, pulled taught as both waited, silently begging for the other to yield. It was familiar, in a way—the two of them butting heads, pitting the infamous stubbornness they both seemed to possess against one another. But on the other hand, it was entirely different; the battle of wills this time being fought with a rare betrayal of vulnerability from Kakashi’s gaze, and Iruka’s frantic hopes that his own eyes weren’t betraying the crushing, paralyzing fear he so often hid behind them.

By the time Kakashi relented, his shoulders deflating in a heavy sigh as he nodded, Iruka felt as though his heart was in his throat. Kakashi’s hand moved to cover Iruka’s; slowly, gently, detaching it from his vest and taking a step back from Iruka’s personal space.

“Fine,” Kakashi spoke softly, releasing Iruka’s hand. “Fine, Iruka. I…I can wait.”

Iruka swallowed thickly, quickly burying the sudden guilt along with the urge to reach out for Kakashi again. He knew he’d disappointed Kakashi, and he wished he could take it back, but he just…couldn’t. If Kakashi was right, as Iruka knew he was, and they were headed into war…Iruka knew he couldn’t have this on his mind. He couldn’t be focusing on Kakashi, and he couldn’t let Kakashi be focusing on him. They had been putting it off for years, it could certainly wait until they at least had the illusion of safety to fall back on. That was the life they were sworn to lead. Priorities, duty, the village came first.

And maybe, maybe, Iruka was afraid to face whatever Kakashi wanted to say.

Iruka snapped out of his own thoughts when Kakashi moved to leave; turning his back towards Iruka and heading towards the door. Iruka’s feet were moving before he could really think, closing the distance between the two of them and wrapping his arms tightly around Kakashi’s waist. He felt Kakashi stiffen in surprise and squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his face into Kakashi’s shoulder and his chest against Kakashi’s back. He felt Kakashi relax in his arms, sighing softly as he folded his arms gently on top of Iruka’s.

“Kakashi,” Iruka breathed, “I—”

“Hey,” Kakashi murmured, the low timbre of his voice sending a shiver through Iruka’s body. “I know.”

Iruka looked up, his hold on Kakashi loosening in confusion, allowing Kakashi to turn in his arms.

“You…know?”

“I know you need time. And I want to give it to you,” Kakashi sighed softly, tucking a loose strand of Iruka’s hair away from his face. “And I will still be here when you’re ready, Iruka. I’ll be here.”

Iruka pulled Kakashi closer again, pressing his face against Kakashi’s shoulder, feeling Kakashi’s arms settle around his neck and hold him securely.

Iruka couldn’t let this distract either of them from their duty. But he had Kakashi’s promise, as well as his own, and he would make sure that was enough to keep his mind at ease. It had to be.

“You better be,” Iruka whispered, his voice muffled by the fabric of Kakashi’s flak jacket. “Or I’ll come after you.”

“Gods help me if I incur the wrath of Iruka Umino,” Kakashi murmured, gently nuzzling his nose into Iruka’s hair. Iruka could hear the smile in his voice, and he held on tighter.

“Yeah, don’t you forget it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A timely chapter update from me? Unheard of.  
> As always, your thoughts and comments make my day. All your lovely words on the last chapter really lit the fire under my ass to keep writing. <3


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1: Every time someone in the comments mentioned the Pein arc, it added months onto my life bc I was so excited to write it  
> 2: The writing of these last few chapters was basically me watching the arc and taking very detailed notes about everything that happened in canon and then proceeding to crack my knuckles and say "my city now" about certain details. This is why I tag fics as canon-adjacent. I hope you all enjoy!

The illusion of safety broke, as it so often did, in an instant. Iruka had been in the middle of a class demonstration at the academy when the first explosion rocked the village, and he felt his blood run cold. Reports came in within minutes; there were multiple points of attack on the village, and anyone available should report to emergency squads to lend aid. Iruka took one look around his homeroom, and he made his decision.

He left his students with another capable teacher, and reported to a response squad. He felt guilty for leaving his students, but he couldn’t bear to sit idle any longer. He had to be fighting, he had to _help_. He felt like his breath was knocked out of him the moment he stepped outside of academy walls; the noise and the chaos hitting him full force. He teamed up with a squad of fellow Chuunin told to investigate damage made with what was reportedly several large summons. When Iruka’s squad arrived at the scene, it was to find Sakura and a small civilian child surrounded by rubble and the corpse of a monstrously large centipede. The relief he felt upon seeing Sakura alive and well was only a brief respite from the heart-pounding adrenaline that the battle brought. Iruka rejoined his group once he was assured that Sakura would head to lend aide to the hospital, heading towards the sounds of battle from the center of the village.

Iruka’s team was focused primarily on rescue and aide, which let Iruka slip fairly easily into his practiced role as both leader and caretaker. He set to work clearing rubble, digging out both shinobi and civilians trapped and injured by fallen buildings and other rubble. Every time another explosion shook the village, it sent remnants of homes and businesses falling down anew, undoing the efforts of the rescue teams and sometimes trapping them with the very people they were helping. Iruka had just managed to pull one of his teammates out of a collapsed house after one such explosion, just managed to pull his unconscious body out onto the street, when a presence behind him made his heartbeat slow.

Iruka stiffened, turning sharply to look up at the man who had landed, completely silently, behind him. Iruka had been hearing rumors for years, almost nonstop, about the people who were hunting his friends and family. But he’d gone the whole time never really knowing what they were up against. He never laid eyes upon the greatest enemy Konoha had known since Iruka could remember. Not until right that moment, when he came face to face with a member of the Akatsuki.

Iruka’s world seemed to slow as his eyes met hypnotic rings of purple, as he moved, instinctively, to protect the man lying prone beside him. He realized, immediately, that he wouldn’t survive if things came down to a fight. He was kneeling on the ground, all his weapons stowed away from his hands. He couldn’t make a solid move, neither defensive or offensive. He clenched his jaw, hardening his stare, and did whatever he could to ready himself.

“Where is Naruto Uzumaki?”

The question was unexpected, but perhaps it shouldn’t have been. Of course, the aim of the invasion was Naruto. He’s what they had wanted for years, it only made sense that a full-scale invasion of his home was a step that would be taken.

“You’re wasting your time,” Iruka grit out, pleased that he somehow managed defiance around the threat of his heart beating itself into his throat. At least he could die proud. “I have no intention of telling you anything.”

“I see.” Iruka resisted the urge to shut his eyes as the man drew his blade from his sleeve. “Then I have no use for you.”

Iruka took in a deep breath, gripping tightly onto the uniform of his fallen comrade, almost falling backwards in shock when a clash of metal-on-metal rang loudly beside his head. In the instant it took for the Akatsuki to swing his blade, Kakashi had landed firmly in between them, catching the weapon in a fist.

“Kakashi,” Iruka managed the name, regaining feeling in his hands only to notice that they were shaking.

“Take that injured man and go.” Kakashi voice was firm, commanding, his eyes never straying from the challenging stare of the man who had been seconds away from ending Iruka’s life.

 _No._ Iruka felt the protests rising like bile, moving to stand, to back Kakashi up. There was no way, no way in hell, that he could turn his back like this.

“Leave this to me!”

Kakashi did look then. It was only for a fraction of a second, but it was enough. Iruka gathered the body of his teammate in his arms, leaping towards the hospital. He would go, he would do his duty, but there was nothing that could keep him from going back. Once he was certain that this man was getting help, he could come back. Kakashi would be okay for that long. He had to be. He promised.

Getting to the hospital wasn’t as easy a task as Iruka would have liked, especially not with a passenger that was, almost literally, dead weight on his back. Iruka knew to expect delays, but with his current state he was a hair’s breadth away from blowing up the next few buildings himself to get a clear shot to the hospital. He didn’t have _time_ for this. If he couldn’t go himself, he needed to get _someone_ out there to back up Kakashi.

By the time Iruka actually reached the hospital, it was to find only more chaos. The wounded littered every available space on the floor, med-nins frantically trying to staunch bleeding or move out the already deceased. The noise was overwhelming, even inside the hospital. Grunts of pain, people calling out for their loved ones, the muffled sounds of the battle still raging outside. But, as Iruka handed off his teammate to one of the med-nin, he could hear Choji’s frantic cries from the front entrance clear as day.

_“Kakashi-sensei! He’s dead, he killed Kakashi-sensei!”_

The din from before wasn’t so loud, suddenly. It was all fuzzy, muffled, like someone shoved cotton into Iruka’s ears. The only thing he heard was the echo of Choji’s words, repeating endlessly. Dead. _Dead._

Iruka wished he could cry. He wished he could scream and sob, wished he could let himself be filled with anguish and rage, wished he could let those feelings spur him to go out and avenge Kakashi. But he couldn’t. He was overwhelmed by complete and total nothingness; a crushing void of feeling that left him hollow. And he could do nothing. There was no point in feeling any of those things he wanted to feel. No amount of pain, no amount of grieving, no amount of mourning, no amount of desperate, bloody revenge was going to bring back the man that he—

Iruka coughed sharply, collapsing to his hands and knees and emptying the contents of his stomach onto the mercifully empty patch of floor. The tears came then, if for no other reason than his body reacting to the violent expelling of bile from his throat. He spat at the ground forcefully, wiping at his eyes and choking on a shaky breath.

 _Loved._ The man that he loved. Died without even really knowing that Iruka loved him, because Iruka was too much of a goddamn coward to ever say. Iruka could feel the regret burning in his stomach like he’d swallowed branding iron.

“—ka. Iruka!”

Iruka was pulled out of his head as strong hands gripped at his shoulders, holding him upright. As his vision swam back into focus, he was able to register Izumo, his face pale and tight with worry.

“He’s dead,” Iruka heard the words leave his mouth, his fists clenching onto Izumo’s jacket and sleeves, trying to find purchase anywhere that could ground him. “Izumo—”

“I know. I know,” Izumo’s voice was low, and calm, and meant to keep people from panicking. Iruka knew that voice. They couldn’t use that on him. “Iruka, look at me. Look.”

“No,” Iruka shook his head, pulling more insistently at Izumo’s uniform. “No, it’s my _fault_. I have to go, I have to get him. I have—no, _Izumo, I have to get him,_ I can’t _leave_ him—!”

“You have to control yourself!”

Iruka gasped sharply as Izumo shook him firmly by the shoulders, making eye contact for the first time since he entered the building. Izumo _yelled_. And he was holding him tight, so tight it hurt, like it was taking effort to hold Iruka still.

“Iruka. There is nothing you could have done. No, no, you _listen_ ,” Izumo raised his voice to cut off Iruka’s rising protests. “You will breathe. You will calm down. There are still people who need you, Iruka!”

Iruka froze, wide eyed, perfectly still aside from his heaving chest. He felt like he was dropped, very suddenly, back into his body; just now registering the dampness on his face, the frantic pounding in his chest, the shaking of his hands clenched so hard on Izumo’s uniform his knuckles went white. Panic. This was panic.

“Izumo. Izumo I can’t breathe,”

“Shh,” Izumo worked quickly, unzipping Iruka’s flak jacket, loosening Iruka’s hands from his own clothes. “Listen to my voice. You need to calm down. Breathe with me, okay?”

Iruka nodded weakly, shutting his eyes, taking in a shaky, shallow breath. He knew what Izumo was doing, he’d done it himself countless times for others. For children worried about their parents, for new Chuunin who’d got blood on their hands for the first time, for comrades who’d lost loved ones in combat. Slowly, painstakingly, Iruka managed to even his breathing out, feeling his heart rate slow to a more manageable level. The sounds of the hospital and the battle outside slowly returned to Iruka’s senses, the voice of Katsuyu providing intel cutting through the sounds of explosions and groans of pain.

“Retreating?” Iruka gasped out, shaking his head quickly to try and clear his mind. “Wait, Izumo, why would they retreat, it doesn’t make sense.”

“I know,” Izumo’s face was grim. “Iruka, we need to get back out there. Are you good to fight?”

Iruka swallowed heavily, zipping his flak jacket and nodding. He stood, wiping his face on the back of his sleeve and fallowing Izumo outside. No sooner did they leave the hospital, then did they feel a low rumble from under their feet.

Iruka had time to lock eyes with Izumo in a moment of shared concern, before the wave of destruction hit them head on. A sweeping force unlike anything Iruka had ever felt knocked Iruka off his feet, slamming him backwards into something unexpectedly soft.

The last thing he saw before being enveloped in the protection of Katsuyu was the flying debris of the entirety of Konoha, his friends and comrades nowhere in sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my update schedule has been the most inconsistent thing ever but! This time it's an early update! And I've been writing so much recently I'm really cranking these out. All your comments on the last chapter really really helped, I'm so glad you all are loving this bc I'm loving this so much! Your thoughts continue to make my day <3


	26. Chapter 26

By the time Katsuyu moved off of Iruka, the dust had settled over what was now the leveled land where Konoha once stood. Iruka looked over the zone of the blast radius with his heart in his throat, crawling into a sitting position despite all protests from his battered and aching body.

“Izumo,” Iruka’s voice broke as he called out, feeling the panic rising again as his eyes searched over the rubble around him. “I—Izumo!”

“I’m here.”

Iruka turned sharply, crawling over to where Izumo was pushing debris off of himself and pulling him out into the streets. “Shit, ‘Zumo, are you okay? What the hell—”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just shaken. I don’t know, where did it come from?”

“It’s the whole city,” Iruka breathed, his mind racing to catch up with what his eyes were seeing. “All of it, it’s gone. That’s why he retreated.”

Izumo just nodded grimly, his gaze sweeping over the remains of their home. Around them, shinobi were picking their way out of fallen buildings, or being released from the protective custody of Katsuyu. They were still here, still as strong as they could be.

“I don’t understand,” Izumo muttered, moving to stand but falling with a yelp of pain and gripping onto his left leg. He waved off Iruka’s obvious worry, gritting his teeth and speaking again. “I’m fine. It’s a sprain at worst. Iruka, why did he even send in an invading force if his aim was total destruction? Why not lead with that?”

Iruka chewed on his lower lip, deciding between theorizing about Izumo’s question and arguing with him about treating his injuries. He decided on both, pulling his field med kit out of his vest with a stern shushing of Izumo’s budding protests, and thought over the invasion white he set to work wrapping Izumo’s leg.

When the memory hit, Iruka nearly dropped the roll of bandage.

“Naruto,” Iruka gasped. “Izumo, the goal of the invasion wasn’t simple attack. It was search and destroy.”

Izumo raised an eyebrow. “How do you know?”

“One of the invaders—he almost killed me,” Iruka pushed his loose hair out of his face, distracted. “He asked where Naruto was. I told him I wouldn’t tell him anything and he was gonna kill me. Their goal was Naruto, but—” Iruka cut himself off, eyes wide.

“Then he must have found out that Naruto wasn’t in the village,” Izumo’s tone was grim. “Someone cracked. Someone with very high clearance.”

“Maybe it wasn’t someone who knew where he was,” Iruka suggested weakly. “Maybe he just knew that Naruto wasn’t here. Not where to actually find him.”

“We better hope for his sake that’s the case.”

“And we better hope he stays well hidden,” Iruka murmured, grateful for the first time that Naruto had been sent far away. Missing him was a much less painful substitute for losing him.

“Naruto has returned!”

Katsuyu’s voice, ordinarily a soothing sound, now made Iruka’s blood run cold. Returned? Now, of all times, Naruto was in the village?

“What do you mean,” Iruka’s voice rose with mounting terror. “Katsuyu, he can’t have! He has to get out of here!”

“He has returned with Shima and Fukasaku, to help,” Katsuyu replied, her lilting, soothing tone doing nothing but raise Iruka’s blood pressure. “He has returned with the power of Sage Mode. He’s our strongest hope for defeating Pein.”

“No, it’s not! It’s playing right into his hands!” Iruka protested, moving to stand when Izumo pulled him back down by his vest. “Let me go, Izumo, I’m going to help!”

“You are doing no such fucking thing,” Izumo stated sternly. “Iruka. I know you are strong, and I know you’re worried, but you— _all of us_ are in way over our heads. There’s nothing we can do. It won’t help Naruto if he watches you die.”

“I just need to be closer,” Iruka knew he was begging, he didn’t much care to stop. “I can’t—I can’t just sit here and hope for updates, Izumo! I need to _see_ —”

Iruka was cut off as explosions rocked what was left of the village yet again, causing Iruka and Izumo to duck and cover themselves Whatever battle Naruto was fighting, it could be heard for miles. Clouds of dust and rock were flying from the site of the battle, drawing the eyes of every person still conscious to witness it. Izumo was gripping Iruka’s arm hard, and at this point Iruka wasn’t sure if it was out of anxiety or the desire to keep Iruka from rushing to the scene of the fight. Whichever it was, Iruka wasn’t going anywhere. Katsuyu brought them regular updates as the fight progressed, and Iruka was fairly certain he was going to pass out when she began to describe the extent of the Nine-Tails’ effect on Naruto; the cloak of black and orange chakra encased in fox bones like an exoskeleton. How any one man, no matter how powerful a shinobi, was standing up to a foe like that, Iruka didn’t think he would ever know. He felt his heart sinking with every word used to describe the sight, knowing that there were some shallow, cruel people in the village who could spin this situation and use it to re-spark the fear-driven hatred of Naruto. All that depending on if he even survived this fight. It felt like it dragged on for hours, the path of destruction spreading across huge expanses of empty land around the village before falling eerily still.

“Is it over?” Iruka finally whispered, when he couldn’t stand the sudden silence any longer. “Katsuyu? Where’s Naruto?”

“Naruto is going to confront the real Pein,” Katsuyu answered. “He’s requested that no one follow him.”

“Of fucking course he has,” Iruka growled. “And we’re all letting him go?”

Izumo swallowed heavily, chewing on his lower lip anxiously. “Iruka…”

“I know,” Iruka deflated, holding his head in his hands. “I know. And I trust him, I trust him with my life, but Izumo, how am I supposed to just let him go, after everything that happened today?”

“He’s strong,” Izumo murmured. “Stronger than any of us ever gave him credit for. He’ll come back, Iruka, you know he will.”

“Yeah,” Iruka’s voice broke, just slightly. “Naruto will come back.”

The silence that followed the mayhem of the battle slowly began to break as survivors began to move, regroup, and search for each other. Iruka joined their efforts, needing something to do to be useful, something to prevent him from running off to do something reckless. It made the time pass faster, made the worry in Iruka’s mind a little quieter. So much so that he was completely distracted, helping pull a trapped Jonin out from the remains of a building when it happened.

Glowing green lights began to streak through the air, surrounding the entire village with a strange, unearthly glow. They seemed to originate from a single high point on the outskirts of the village, and were landing like meteors all over Konoha. Even less believable still, with every strike of strange green light, the dead were coming to life at Iruka’s feet.

Once the initial shock of one of his many dead comrades stirring to life beside him had time to sink in, Iruka slipped easily into his role as both teacher and shinobi. He was midway through the act of helping get a very confused Chuunin steady on his feet again when the last _thing_ clicked. All through the village, the dead were coming back to life.

 _Kakashi_.

Iruka all but dropped the poor Chuunin he’d been helping, his body reacting on autopilot. He had to get to Kakashi. He had to _know_. He was able to make fleeting, but meaningful eye contact with Izumo, before he took off in a dead sprint. He realized, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he didn’t even know where Kakashi was. Even so, it didn’t matter. He would run through the entirety of Fire Country if he had to; if it meant Kakashi would be alive at the end of it. His feet ended up taking him toward the last place he saw Kakashi, where Kakashi had stepped in front of a blade for Iruka’s life. His instincts didn’t lead him wrong; once he got close to the street where they’d last seen each other, he saw movement in the distance.

Kakashi still looked worse for wear; a wound from his shoulder staining his uniform red with blood, his movements slow to compensate for pain as he slowly managed to crawl his way out of a pile of rubble. But no matter how injured he was, he was _alive_. He was alive, and here, and Iruka somehow managed to push more strength into his exhausted legs to carry him faster.

“Kakashi!”

Kakashi faltered in his movement, surprised by the sudden cry of his name. His eyes widened as he caught sight of Iruka, moving to stand when Iruka’s body collided with his own.

“Holy shit,” Kakashi managed, barely managing to keep himself upright; balancing them so they were both on their knees amongst the rubble. “Iruka? Wha—”

 Kakashi never got to finish his sentence. The moment Iruka had Kakashi in front of him, alive and warm and living and breathing and _real_ under his hands, there was nothing else he could think to do. He took Kakashi’s face in shaky hands, tugging his mask aside and pressing his lips to Kakashi’s clumsily.

It wasn’t the greatest kiss of Iruka’s life by any means; his nose was squished against Kakashi’s cheek, he partially missed the mark of Kakashi’s lips due to the fact that he was mid-word at the time, Kakashi was gripping his shoulders a little too tightly to be comfortable, and Iruka was pretty sure he was doing the same to Kakashi’s face. But it was the only thing Iruka could do, the quickest way Iruka could think to express, without question, everything he’d been feeling for Kakashi for years.

Iruka pulled back once he was feeling his lungs starting to burn, taking in heavy breaths as his eyes searched over Kakashi’s face. Kakashi looked shellshocked, like he couldn’t quite believe the reality of what had just happened. His eyes were following a similar path, darting over Iruka’s face and body, clutching tighter to the shoulders of Iruka’s uniform.

“You’re alive,” Iruka finally spoke, his voice breaking with emotion. “You were dead, you died, you saved me and then you _died_ , Kakashi, I—”

Iruka cut himself off, unable to finish his thoughts before he was overcome again. He let his fingers slip from Kakashi’s face to his hair, pulling him closer and connecting their lips again. This time, Kakashi moved with him; encircling Iruka in his arms and hugging him close, humming softly against Iruka’s lips. Iruka felt a shiver run down his spine from the sound, tightening his fingers in Kakashi’s hair and pulling him even closer still. Iruka didn’t know the outcome of the battle, didn’t know what he and Kakashi would ever have time again. But they had time, and that was all that mattered. Time for Iruka to hold Kakashi, time to try and wordlessly convey every single damn thing he should have let Kakashi say that night in his apartment. Every single damn thing that had run through Iruka’s mind when he thought he might never get another chance. I’m sorry. I was so scared. I thought you were gone. I love you. I almost lost you. _I love you, too, Kakashi_.

When they broke apart for the second time, neither was willing to let the other move very far. Iruka pressed his forehead against Kakashi’s, the metal of their headbands clinking together softly as they held each other. Iruka could feel Kakashi’s breath against his lips, feel his chest heaving in time with his own, and he could have cried in relief in that moment. Instead, he pressed his lips to the side of Kakashi’s mouth twice more in quick succession, feeling Kakashi smile weakly.

“Iruka,” Kakashi murmured, finally pulling back far enough to look Iruka in the eyes. “What…what happened? Why am I…?”

“I don’t know,” Iruka admitted. “But it’s happening to everyone, everyone who died isn’t dead anymore, I’ve never seen anything like it, there were these green lights everywhere—It happened after Naruto—”

Iruka cut himself off, his entire face shifting into a horrified expression. “Oh my god, _Naruto!_ Kakashi, Naruto went off alone, he went to—”

Kakashi stood abruptly, pulling Iruka up with him and tugging his mask back up over his face. “Where did he go?”

Iruka just pointed, not sure he’d be able to get the words out any longer. Somewhere in his mind, he was marveling at Kakashi’s ability to process important information on the battlefield, knowing that he probably wouldn’t have been able to explain the situation with Naruto’s arrival quickly enough. Kakashi’s gaze followed the direction of Iruka’s finger before he gave a curt nod of understanding, turning to leave before he paused.

Kakashi turned back, taking Iruka’s hand and firmly holding his gaze. “I’m bringing him back,” he squeezed Iruka’s hand quickly. “Wait for me,”

Iruka gripped Kakashi’s hand harder, tugging so Kakashi turned to look back at him again.

“I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh BOY you guys is today a doozy of a day. It's my birthday, I spent all day traveling for work, and I get to post a chapter like this!! I'm so excited. As always, your thoughts and comments make my day! <3


	27. Chapter 27

Iruka released Kakashi’s hand, watching as he leaped out of sight in an instant. His heart stuttered as Kakashi disappeared from view, and he felt ever muscle in his body tense with the urge to follow, to keep Kakashi in his sight, to make sure it was all still _real_.

He snapped back into the moment when another academy teacher called his name, asking him to assist in carrying some injured shinobi towards what remained of the hospital. Iruka readily agreed, taking the woman’s arm around his shoulders and carefully beginning to walk her towards the crowd of med-nin that had set up a field station with whatever supplies they could gather from the hospital.

When they had arrived at the remains of the hospital, Iruka found the majority of the village coming together, reuniting with loved ones, filling in the gaps of what happened in between heartfelt embraces and the treating of wounds. He found Izumo again a few feet from the biggest crowd, kneeling next to a disheveled and bewildered Kotetsu, holding him so tightly it looked like it might hurt. Iruka felt guilt squirming in his gut at the sight, despite the fact that both his friends were now alive and well. He was so wrapped up in his own frantic grief that he didn’t even consider why Izumo had been in the hospital when he was. It could have been that he was going through the same thing Iruka was, only he had been holding himself together better. Iruka knelt down beside the two of them, accepting when Izumo pulled him into their hug, letting himself smile for the first time since the attack began. When the three of them untangled from each other’s arms, Izumo reached out to grasp Iruka’s shoulder.

“Iruka, did you find him?”

“Yeah,” Iruka heard the relief in his voice as he felt it, and Izumo grinned. “I—I got him. He’s okay.”

“Wait, Hatake _died?”_ Kotetsu shook his head, clearly in awe. “This guy got the drop even on him?”

“He saved me,” Iruka said, quietly. “And he didn’t survive the fight. But whatever happened with Naruto, and the lights…”

Kotetsu let out a low whistle, nudging Iruka playfully. “So, like…after a man dies and comes back for you, you’re finally gonna get on that, right?”

“Oh, he’s _been_ on it,” Izumo smiled knowingly. “He just needs to make it official.”

Iruka felt his cheeks burn, and he shoved both of his friends’ shoulders. “You don’t think we have more important shit to think about? The entire village was destroyed today!”

“Oh, you better not think you can run from this conversation—”

“Naruto’s back!”

Iruka recognized Kiba’s voice from a few meters away, and jumped to his feet at the same time that the crowd of shinobi and civilians alike surged toward the edge of the forest where Kiba yelled. In the distance, Iruka saw them clear as day: Naruto, looking exhausted but mostly unharmed, carried carefully on Kakashi’s back. Iruka let out a heavy breath, feeling his eyes well up as he watched Kakashi put Naruto down and he was immediately swarmed by his peers and admirers. Iruka knew he should go, he should hug Naruto, congratulate him in person. But the exhaustion of the day was catching up with him all at once, and his aches and bruises from the day were protesting even the thought of trying to wade through such a crowd. Besides, Naruto looked entirely occupied as it was, and Iruka was more than content to watch the boy’s face light up as he was congratulated and praised and hailed as a hero. This moment had been all he had ever worked for since he was a child, and it had finally happened. The rest of Konoha finally recognized the boy Iruka had known for years. A grin split Iruka’s face, and he felt a tear slip down his face at the sight of Naruto’s classmates throwing him in the air in celebration.  

Somewhere, amongst the din of cheering Konoha citizens and the blur of his own tears of joy, Iruka registered the sound of his name. He looked over his shoulder to see Kakashi, who looked as though he needed about a week’s worth of rest and at least an hour long shower to cope with the day. Before Iruka could speak, Kakashi pressed a folded piece of paper into Iruka’s hand, murmuring that he should congratulate his student before slipping away again.

When Iruka unfolded the paper, a familiar phrase met his eyes. He laughed softly to himself, slipping the note into his pocket before going to join the throngs of his current and former students surrounding Naruto.

___

When Iruka made it to what was left of training ground 11, it was empty except for the rubble the covered a vast majority of the training grounds. Kakashi was lounging in the remnants of a felled tree, relaxed with both eyes shut even though Iruka knew better than to assume he’d fallen asleep.

“I’m getting déjà vu,” Iruka commented with a wry smile, pulling Kakashi’s note out of his pocket and holding it up between two fingers. “I’m warning you now, I’m too tired to fight this time.”

Kakashi snorted softly in laughter. “God, no. I’m tapped out of fighting for today, Sensei. I hope you’ll indulge me the talking anyway.”

“Of course, I will. I promised, didn’t I?” Iruka moved to sit beneath the tree Kakashi had taken residence in, watching as Kakashi slipped off his branch to land in front of him. He waited as Kakashi moved to sit beside him, seeming to deliberate about whether or not he wanted to reach out and touch Iruka. He decided against it, leaning instead back against the trunk of the tree.

“So, I, uh. I died today.”

Iruka laughed, sudden and loud and unexpected, quickly covering his mouth with his hand. “I’m sorry,” he apologized quickly, though he knew that the laughter was probably the only alternative to keep him from crying at the memory alone. “I’m sorry, it’s not funny, I just thought…I think you’re the only shinobi in the world that followed through on the promise to _always_ come back, wherever you go.”

Kakashi snorted softly, but Iruka could see that he was smiling. “While I’d love to take credit, I think this fluke was entirely out of my hands.”

“Then either you’re the luckiest man on Earth, or I am,” Iruka said softly. “I didn’t think—when you stepped in front of that blade, Kakashi, I—”

“I would do it again in an instant, Iruka. I don’t regret my choice,” Kakashi cut him off, his gaze burning into Iruka’s. “I knew what I was getting into when I did it. I didn’t think, then, that I’d ever get to have this conversation with you. I’ve done a lot of regrettable things, but that was the only one on my mind.”

Iruka swallowed heavily, his gaze flickering down into his own lap before returning to meet Kakashi’s again. They both knew it was Iruka’s choice not to have this conversation before. And they both knew how near-unbelievable it was that they had a chance to make up for their regrets now.  

“You can tell me now,” Iruka’s fingers tightened to grip his pants at his thighs. “And, for what it’s worth…I—I’m _so_ sorry I made you wait.”

“Hey, it worked out,” Kakashi’s voice was light, but it did little to ease Iruka’s guilt. It must have shown on his face, because Kakashi’s brows knit closer, and his voice softened. “Iruka, if you don’t want—”

“No!” Iruka cut Kakashi off, shaking his head. “That’s not it, I—Please, tell me what you wanted to tell me.”

“Okay,” Kakashi let out a small huff of air, seeming to consider his words for a short moment before he spoke. “I think I’m in love with you.”

It wasn’t like Iruka hadn’t been expecting something like this. But he hadn’t expected the confession to be so straightforward, not after all the dancing around he had Kakashi had managed for literal years. He felt his cheeks heat up, his heartbeat pounding in his ears as he stared at Kakashi in silence for several long seconds.

“That—that’s it? Just like that?” Iruka finally blurted out.

“Uh. Yeah? I guess?” Kakashi’s visible eye widened at Iruka’s reaction. “I don’t think I can mince words anymore, Iruka. Not after today.”

Iruka laughed again, breathless and disbelieving. For as long as he had been thinking about this moment, of talking to Kakashi about his feelings, he hadn’t imagined it being like this. How could he have?

“You’re in love with me,” Iruka breathed out, as if testing the words. “You love me?”

“I do.”

“You were going to tell me, that day in my apartment,” Iruka swallowed heavily. “You were going to tell me that you loved me?”

“Well—I wanted to,” Kakashi fidgeted slightly, the tips of his ears turning pink. “I’m not sure I would have gotten it out so frankly, then. I don’t know if you could tell, but I was a nervous wreck.”

Iruka smiled then, shifting closer so his shoulder was touching Kakashi’s. “And…you’re not, right now?”

“Oh, no. I’m absolutely fucking terrified,” Kakashi confirmed. “But…I don’t know. It wasn’t as hard to say, now. I think…I think it’s something about dying that makes you want to stop taking what you had to live for for granted.”

Iruka gasped softly, Kakashi’s words knocking the breath out of him. He shifted suddenly, moving away from his seat against the tree and positioning himself so he was kneeling in front of Kakashi. Kakashi raised an eyebrow, cocking his head slightly in unspoken question.

“Kakashi, I…today, when you—” Iruka took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “When I found out what happened to you, I lost it. Izumo had to talk me down. And when people were coming back to life, the only thing I could think about was how I had this fucking crazy once-in-ten-lifetimes chance to fix my mistake, so I—”

Iruka cut himself off, his already messy ponytail getting further disturbed when he ran his hands through his hair distractedly. Kakashi laughed softly, sitting up from against the tree and moving closer, taking Iruka’s fidgeting hands in one of his own.

“Yes, Sensei?”

“I’m saying that I think I love you, too,” Iruka confessed in a rush, visibly flustered. “And I’m sorry I didn’t let you tell me when you wanted. And that I acted like a dick to you about it for so long. And, uh,” Iruka felt his cheeks growing warmer. “I’m sorry I pulled your mask down in the middle of a war zone where anybody could see so I could kiss you when you came back to life.”

Kakashi just snorted, pulling Iruka closer by the hips. “It wasn’t so bad. I’d probably even let you do it again.”

“Would you let me do it right now?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Iruka hooked his fingers under the hem of Kakashi’s mask, gently tugging it down until it was pooled around his neck. He ran his fingers over Kakashi’s jaw lightly, feeling goosebumps erupt down Kakashi’s neck. Kakashi lifted his chin in response to Iruka’s gentle touch, his eyes slipping shut as Iruka leaned down to press their lips together.

This kiss was soft, and warm, and nothing like the kisses they had ever shared before. Any previous kisses had been hard and rough; clashes of tongue and teeth in the heat of the moment, or desperate attempts for closeness in the chaos of a battlefield. But this was slower, more exploratory, almost shy. Iruka’s hands slid over Kakashi’s neck to grip at his shoulders, sighing softly into the kiss when he felt Kakashi’s arms wrap snugly around his waist. He moved with the pressure, letting Kakashi pull him half into his lap as they kissed deep and slow. Iruka’s breath hitched against Kakashi’s lips, and he let his body melt against Kakashi’s; feeling a shiver run down his spine as Kakashi hummed gently into the kiss.

Iruka pulled back with a small gasp, short of breath and flushed in the face. Kakashi just smiled, his fingers rubbing small circles on the small of Iruka’s back.

“God, why haven’t we been doing that this whole time?” Iruka laughed softly, running his fingers through the hairs at the nape of Kakashi’s neck.

Kakashi let out a short huff of laughter. “Probably because we’re idiots, who are bad at this.”

“Yeah,” Iruka agreed, a slow grin growing across his face. “Hey, Kakashi?”

“Mm?”

“You admit, then, that you _suck_ at love?”

“Oh, my god,” Kakashi rolled his eye, falling back against the tree and laughing when Iruka fell forward on top of him. “Yes. Yes, I suppose I do. But so do you,” he teased, raising his eyebrow. “But I hear we get better at things with practice, what do you say?”

Iruka flushed, groaning softly and pressing his face into Kakashi’s chest. “It’s not fair that you came back so _smooth_ , give me a fuckin’ chance here.”

Kakashi laughed louder, hugging Iruka close. “Hey…do you want to come home? With me?”

Iruka sat up, his eyes slightly wide. He could do that. He could go back to Kakashi’s apartment, and stay with him, and not be scared. He didn’t have to worry about saying something wrong, or revealing too much. He and Kakashi _loved_ each other, and it was out in the open and a weight off Iruka’s mind.

Iruka nodded, pressing his lips against Kakashi’s again quickly.

“Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys. I know this chapter is pretty late. But it was a very important chapter, and I wanted to make sure it was RIGHT. Also, for those of you who noticed, yes. I think there is only one more chapter of this story to go. I'm pretty sad about it, too, but I think I've told the story I've wanted to tell. I hope you guys are still enjoying, your thoughts and comments continue to make my day every day <3
> 
> (Also you know. You KNOW I had to get the name of the fic in there. I had to.)


	28. Chapter 28

As it turned out, in the aftermath of the events of the day, neither Iruka nor Kakashi’s apartments were in any state to be lived in. Any available buildings deemed safe and stable enough to be lived in were being offered to civilians to sleep in, shinobi who were currently off-duty were provided with tents, field cots, and other such bedding.

Which is how Iruka came to find himself up one of Konoha’s surrounding trees, laying in the hammock that Kakashi had rigged. It was something of a tight fit, the field hammock not being made for more than one body. But it was okay, it was better than okay, because the close quarters meant Kakashi was pressed against his side, his face bared and tucked in the crook of Iruka’s neck, his breath warm and comfortable against Iruka’s skin. Iruka could feel Kakashi’s heartbeat against his side, and everything was perfect.

“You know,” Kakashi murmured. “I’m sorry that I asked you to come home with me and all you get is sharing a one-person hammock on the outskirts of a crater.”

Iruka laughed softly, turning his head and nuzzling into Kakashi’s hair. “It’s hardly your fault that both of our apartments have been razed.”

“I suppose it’s not.” Kakashi paused, shifting slightly in Iruka’s arms. Iruka leaned away slightly, his brows furrowing when he saw Kakashi’s subtle wince.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Kakashi offered him a small smile, shifting further onto his back. “Yeah, I’m okay. My shoulder’s a little sore, where he got me. But it’s not too bad.”

“Okay,” Iruka settled back down, easing closer and smoothing a hand over Kakashi’s chest slowly. He made a loose fist in the fabric of Kakashi’s uniform shirt, tucking himself into Kakashi’s side again. He felt Kakashi’s arm come up around his shoulder and he smiled, pulling himself even closer.

“You’re clingy tonight,” Kakashi observed, one of his fingers absentmindedly winding in a loose lock of Iruka’s hair.

“Yeah, you _died_ today and then told me that you loved me for the first time, I think I’m allowed.”

“Alright, fair enough,” Kakashi chuckled softly, low in his throat, and the sound sent a shiver up Iruka’s spine. “I certainly don’t mind.”

“Well good,” Iruka huffed softly, leaning up and pressing his lips to Kakashi’s jaw lightly. “Because we’re here, and we’re safe, and I just want to keep kissing you for a little while longer.”

Kakashi grinned, slow and easy, hugging Iruka closer. “I think I can make that work.”

Kakashi’s hand moved to gently cup the back of Iruka’s neck, using his other to gently lift Iruka’s chin and press their lips together sweetly. Iruka all but melted into the embrace, sighing softly into the kiss, smiling against Kakashi’s lips when he felt Kakashi pull his hair free of the tie. Iruka slid his arms around Kakashi’s waist, pressing closer as he felt Kakashi threading his fingers through his hair. Iruka parted his lips when Kakashi did, feeling Kakashi’s soft hum of pleasure as much as he heard it.

Kakashi shifted then, moving to cover Iruka’s body with his own. Iruka moved with him, rolling onto his back to accommodate Kakashi before feeling the hammock tilt dangerously underneath them. They both broke apart with yelps of surprise that quickly dissolved into laughter as they steadied themselves.

“Okay, maybe sex in the hammock isn’t a great plan.”

“Sex in the hammock wasn’t ever on the table in the first place, Kakashi.”

“What? You didn’t even _think_ about it?”

Iruka flushed, turning and burying his face in Kakashi’s uninjured shoulder before answering in a muffled voice.

“Okay, maybe I thought about it,” He looked up when Kakashi snorted in laughter, swatting his arm gently. “But I didn’t think about it seriously!”

“No, no, of course you didn’t,” Kakashi murmured, voice smug and sarcastic. “You would never.”

“Shut up,” Iruka groaned. “I don’t want the first—God, I don’t wanna fall to my death with my pants down.”

“The first?” Kakashi questioned, raising an eyebrow. “Iruka, I hate to break it to you, but this wouldn’t be the first time we had sex.”

“No, I know _that_ ,” Iruka huffed, feeling his face flush anew. “But It—it would have been the first time with _feelings_. I mean, not that I didn’t _have_ the feelings earlier, because I did, I had them for years but—this would have been the first time I wasn’t scared of _looking_ like I had feelings because you already knew, so—”

Iruka cut off his own rambling with two hands to his own face, groaning softly. “I’m sorry, holy shit.”

“What are you sorry for?” Kakashi’s voice was soft, and his hands were gentle as he moved Iruka’s wrists away from his face.

“I dunno, I just. I’m talking too much.”

“You’re not,” Kakashi murmured, pressing his lips to Iruka’s temple briefly. “I feel the same, you know. About hiding how I felt for so long.”

“Kakashi?”

“Mm?”

“When did you know?” Iruka asked, his voice uncharacteristically small. “That you, um. That you loved me?”

Kakashi huffed out a short breath, clearly caught off guard by the question. He was quiet for several seconds, thinking it over thoroughly before speaking again. When he did speak, he was quiet, but his voice was so sincere Iruka felt as thought he could feel it in his chest.

“It—it came in stages, kind of. I mean, I was attracted to you pretty much since we met. But the first time…the first time I thought it might be more than that, was that day, after the Forest of Death. Before I left the village with Sasuke.”

“What?” Iruka’s eyes widened. “You...really?”

“Yeah,” Kakashi laughed shortly. “You just…you came at me no holds barred, like you always do. You didn’t give a damn about who I was or what the rules were, you wanted to protect your kids and your village, and you were willing to do anything to do it. It stood out to me, Iruka.”

Kakashi took in a deep breath, staring up at the twilight sky through the canopy of their tree. “After that, it was small stuff. You were there at the hospital after I woke up from a coma, and you didn’t walk on eggshells about it. You told me I looked like hell, and to get back on my feet. We actually had conversations that didn’t end in arguments. And then you showed up at my door after the prison break, begging me to act like I cared about you. And…it hurt way worse than I thought it would.”

Iruka flinched, apology on the tip of his tongue, when Kakashi shushed him gently.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know. You were hurting, and you had no idea. It made me realize that this meant something more to me, though. That I would never have to pretend to care.”

“Then, that one night,” Kakashi smiled sheepishly, shifting his shoulders. “When I came back after my mission, to you. I was half-asleep, barely knew what I was doing. But I wanted home, and I came to you. But you let me stay,” he paused, his voice dropping in volume, even though they were very much alone. “That morning, in your bed. I wanted to kiss you so badly, and I almost did.”

“I stopped you,” Iruka whispered, the memory coming back as soon as Kakashi spoke the words. “I remember, I—that was it, for me. That was when I knew. I—I wanted to kiss you, too.”

“Yeah, well, we’ve established we’re bad at this,” Kakashi’s tone was light, and he squeezed Iruka’s shoulder gently. “But that—when you stopped me, then, I knew I needed to back off until you were ready. I was okay with it. You were worth the wait.”

“Oh, my god,” Iruka turned, burying his face in the crook of Kakashi’s neck. “I can’t believe…after all that…we had to spar in order to _talk_ about this shit, before.”

Kakashi laughed loudly at that, shaking his head slowly. “Yeah, we sure did,” he grinned down at Iruka.

“It took me until you fucking died to admit out loud that I loved you. You knew for so long and I must seem like such a _mess_ sometimes…”

“Maybe,” Kakashi shrugged, the motion jostling the head that was still resting on his shoulder. “But it’s okay. I love you even though you really, _really_ suck at talking about your feelings.”

The words were delivered with a teasing lilt and a wide grin, and Iruka scowled.

“Don’t make me push you out of this hammock.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“You wanna try me?” Iruka challenged, shifting so his elbow was just barely pressed into Kakashi’s ribs.

Kakashi laughed, shifting away from Iruka’s elbow to press a wet kiss to his cheek. “You wouldn’t. Because you _love_ me.”

“Oh, shut up,” Iruka huffed, cheeks flushing dark red. “Yeah, I do.”

Kakashi let Iruka nuzzle into his shoulder, relaxing into each others’ arms as a gentle breeze rustled the leaves above their heads in a soft, soothing sound. Iruka could feel himself drifting off to sleep and for once, he didn’t try to fight it. He just pressed closer, sighing contentedly against Kakashi’s chest.

As he drifted into unconsciousness, he thought he may have heard the words whispered into his hair:

_“I really love you, too.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, thus, with a fluffy and peaceful chapter, this journey I wanted to take with this story has come to a close! This was such a ridiculous ride, and it ended up being so much more than I ever could have anticipated it would be. My longest story before I wrote this was only 14 chapters, which means this story is twice that of my previous "long fic"! That's so wild to me.  
> Ending this is bittersweet, I loved writing this, posting each chapter and hearing you guys' feedback. I know I say it on every chapter, but it really does make my day. I also always struggle with final chapters, I never really want to leave these worlds behind, it never feels like I do them justice.  
> Anyway, I've rambled enough. If you enjoyed this story, I'm so, so glad you did! I'm always plotting and outlining more stories, so you can be sure I'll have new work up soon. Feel free to visit me on my [main tumblr](http://www.mascmalfunction.tumblr.com) or my [writing sideblog](http://www.masc-malfunctionfanfic.tumblr.com) if that's your scene. And thank you for following this story with me! Your thoughts and comments, as always, make my day <3


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